Notes to Myself 10

I think I have finally come to terms with my relationship with this girl.
It is over. 

I was struggling with this decision because I was holding on to her like a drowning man. Even though I figured that she doesn't want to be there for me any more, I wasn't ready to let go. 

It took me a while to realise that I am not really drowning. So I don't need to hold on to anyone or anything anymore. 

Yes, It is sad. And I did cry bucket loads day and night for the last three weeks.

I was heartbroken and disillusioned and lost.

It took me a while to realise that I can't do much after this. She has clearly moved on. I should have fought for her on Sep 21st. I did not. I simply let her have her way and came back home crying like a little kid who lost his favourite toy. I was taken by surprise with all her accusations of not showing love, not caring for her, criticising her too much, and taking her for granted. Maybe I did take her for granted - well we were together for about two years. I can't say I stopped trying, maybe I stopped trying too hard. 

But I had the last three weeks to puzzle over the other reasons she gave for breaking up with me. And in the end I think they were only excuses. That she had grown tired of me and wanted a break and was looking elsewhere is the only justification I could come up with. 

Then there is the other aspect of her spending a lot of time with people at work and this one boy in particular. I was okay with it because this was her new job and she was getting to spend time with new friends and everything. But over a period of time I think she started spending a lot of time with this boy and maybe I should have asked her not to sleep over at his place... well, I am not sure. But it did hurt me later when she came and told me that she hadn't told him that I was present in her life. Not a word was spoken about me. This came as a little bit of a surprise. And I have spent a lot of time thinking about it and no explanation on her part justifies her actions of completely hiding my presence in her life. 

And now I find out from people around and from her own blog that she spends a lot of time with him, sleeping over at his place and going stoned to work. She told me that she liked him and he liked her too. I am not sure if she is already seeing him but I suppose it is just a matter of time. 

In retrospect, It seems like she was just bored with me and was looking to move on to someone new and this guy came along at the right time. It seems like that. Maybe it is my imagination. Maybe it is true. I will never know.

But it doesn't matter.

It is over between us.

I must add that a lot of my self doubts played on the relationship. I wasn't sure to begin with if she was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and I wasn't sure if I would be in a position to get married in a year's time. I wasn't sure if i was ready for the big fight that would surely have come up with the two families of staunch opposing religious views. I wasn't sure of a lot of things. 

But I was sure that I really really liked this girl. And I was sure that I loved her a lot. 

It doesn't matter. 

It is over between us. 

So I have taken a resolve that I am going to stop stalking her blog a 100 times a day and I am going to remove the stat counter from my blog too which i had installed hoping to see if she visited my blog at all (It looks like she doesn't.) I am going to stop googling for her name everyday to see if she has written something somewhere online. I am going to stop visiting her twitter page. I have already been blocked from facebook and gtalk. 

It doesn't matter. 

It is over between us. 

Those were two fantastic years though. We were a lot of fun. And some great memories that get triggered as i travel around the city. Every corner has a story to tell. And every word and every gesture of mine of reveals her influence. Everyone around me reminds me of her because I had made her an integral part of my life so much so that a "hello how are you?" was usually followed by "how is your girl?" and now these people are taking a conscious effort not to talk about her. It's ironical you know. That people around me had taken us for granted. They just assumed we were gonna be together for ever. 

It doesn't matter. 

It is over between us. 

You know what's my latest nightmare is... that I will see her with that boy at some theatre or beach or restaurant or someplace and I will spot them having a good time and she would suddenly spot me and act all awkward. And maybe it would upset her evening. It will definitely kill me. I really hope I don't bump into her anywhere. Alone or with someone.

It doesn't matter. 

It is over between us. 

It is over.

It is over. 

-------------------------

"...this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her." 

- Neruda.