Notes to Myself 4

Binged today too. 
Thanks to a msg from a friend that informed me about this mega sale at Landmark, I went there and bought books for about 1600 bucks. 


I bought
Graphic Novels
Jason Lutes - Jar of Fools
Craig Thompson - Goodbye, Chunky Rice
Jeffrey Brown - Little Things: A memoir in slices
William Messner Loebs - Journey - The adventures of Wolverine MacAlistaire
Matt Madden - Exercises in Style - 99 ways to tell a story
Larry Gonick - Cartoon guide to Genetics
Jeremy Love - Bayou (Zuda Comics)


Each 199 flat. 


Non-graphic books
Andrew Schelling - Dropping the Bow - Poems from Ancient India

Ring Lardner - Best of Ring Lardner
Divisadero - Michael Ondaatje


These cost another 200 put together. 




First set of graphic novels I own. 
I am a happy man. 


I remember telling her a year and a half back at one of the landmark sales that very soon I will come back and buy books to my heart's content.
That day just happened. 
It took a while getting there though. 


-----------------------
Thats two days of over indulgence.
And the weekend is just here.
Tomorrow and day after is going to be a food + movie binge. 
I am leading this life that I certainly can't afford. And I don't mean monetarily. Its just the kind of lifestyle that will have great repercussions at a later stage in life. 




Whatever. That's just guilt's voice from a distant corner.
SHUT UP, guilt!
-----------------------------
But i think I know what I am doing.
I am trying to compensate. 
For my loss.
By crowding my room with Books and DVDs. 
I am trying not to let myself think too much. 


That's just rationale's voice from a distant corner. 
SHUT UP, rationale. 
------------------------------
But it was a fairly unproductive day as far as work is concerned.
Not good. 


That's just my sense of duty's voice from a distant corner. 
SHUT UP, sense of duty. 
----------------------------
I am looking to hire. 
I know exactly the people who would be a fantastic fit for the job profile I have. 
It's just that these people won't agree.
Sigh. 
--------------------
My to do list is ever increasing. 
And October is already here. 
--------------------
It's amazing how the things I wanted to write about slowly disappear from my head once I have had my dinner. 
--------------------------
I am a brain, Watson. The rest of me is a mere appendix. - Sherlock Holmes.
------------------

OH SHIT. My phone fell into a bucket of water.
Fuck. 


How convenient?

Notes to myself 3

DVDs. Truck loads of them.
I binged. Bought like 120 of them. 
At ten/twenty bucks a piece.
Total expense 1600.
Thanks Chinni for the heads up. I wish I had listened to you two months back.
----------------------------------


I miss her terribly and I constantly worry about her.
Who wouldn't? 


-----------------------------


I went to HLC international school today and met Mr.Srikanth there. He is T.M.Krishna's bro. And it's a very small world. I think he likes the idea. Let me sell it to him and then come back and gloat. 


----------------------------


I finally have some faith. And some belief. And some hope. That I might just do well for myself.

Pls do remind me every time you meet me to work my ass off though. Will you?


------------------------


Another evening spent with Bala. We spoke about things we like. Movies, and books and people from history and theatre, and acting and a li'l bit of gossip. 


In a surprising moment of honesty I told him about my personal life. He was surprised. But never said anything. 


-----------------------------
Here's a shameful secret.
I weighed 90 kilos the last time i checked. 
That nine zero.
For the first time in my life. 

I am going to join a gym. And run and run and run.
Please help me lose weight. please no?

My target is to become 75 kilos by end of 2011.


--------------------------------------------
On the way back from his place I realised something. I have this constant need for a mentor. I need someone to keep telling me that they are doing something worthwhile. And that's what makes me want to do something worthwhile with my life. (may or may not be what my mentor is doing) It's like I need to know that there is some sort of a purpose to life and I need to reassure myself that people around me who I look up to are doing something with a purpose.

The days I don't have a mentor, the days they are out of my mind are most certainly the days that I aimlessly waste away.


-----------------------------

Corollary to previous realisation is this - I always look for purpose in people around me. I almost entirely base my life on them. I am of this theory that life is quite meaningless and that one must find someone with a purpose and just stick to them and ride along with them and help them out and in the process find some happiness.

If you leave me alone in an island I would most probably just set everything on fire and die in like half a day. 


---------------------------------


I am waiting to see how I am going to act up. I am almost certain that I will. Historically speaking, I have always acted up under current circumstances.

This time around... I am just waiting for the right moment. Or inspiration. Or some such thing. 


-----------------------------


I am scared, you know? Of myself. For myself. 
I am scared I am gonna end up on the streets one day.
I am scared that I will kill someone or be the cause of someone's death.
I am scared that I will run away from the most important people in my life right when they need me. 
I am scared that I will be forgotten very soon. 


Most of all, I am scared I will be someone mediocre. 

Notes to Myself 2

Dude, you definitely need to stop ranting to B-boy and hogging all his time. 
Man finally has a life and a wife (to be) and all. 
Let him talk to her in peace.


--------------------


Cops in Chennai are actually decent people after you pay them their due.
And they are now using a hand held device for collecting fines and giving out receipts that I saw from close quarters. Its a pretty neat device. And they are using docomo sim to connect to the server thru gprs.

It feels good to be booked finally. 


------------------------


Doubts doubts, setbacks setbacks. 


Ha.
Inspite of being a non believer, I keep thinking there are things like good time and bad time and i am surely going thru a super rotten time! 
Apart from personal ones, work seems to be suffering setbacks as well. 


Keep fingers crossed and wish me luck, please?


Sigh. 
Wake me up when September (and October) ends.


-----------------------


All you need is love.
Love is all you need. 
Love is all you need.




I get by with a li'l help from my friends...




Yesterday...




Across the Universe.




Some of the Beatles numbers that came into my head today at various points.


---------------------------

Dude, get back on Shelfari. 
I am reading a lot these days. 
Need to keep track. 


------------------------


Bala's place. Every time I go there, it feels like I am going back home. 


--------------------


Maids - Jean Genet. Wow. Such a fantastic script. I am sure it's gonna be an awesome play too. And as usual, very few people will come see it. And even fewer would get it. 


It's amazing though. the man never gives up.

And when i put the whole speech that my prof gave me in his context, it makes so much sense. My prof explained this to me in very simple terms.

There are three things to life - paNam, paer, pugazh. (Money, Name & Fame)


And the guy genuinely interested in what he is doing is not after PaNam or Pugazh. He is only after establishing a name for himself in the field he is working in. He is only looking to get recognized as someone who is good at what he is doing. He isn't bothered too much about the other two. They may come, they may not. But let that not bother you. Make sure you work so hard and so well that you will get recognized.


And he added, make sure you are doing something that you really like. It can happen in two ways. one, you let your heart lead your head, ie, you like something a lot (writing, music, arts, theatre, gossip etc) and you figure out with your head how to go about pursuing a career in your field of liking.
two, You let your head lead your heart - you know that you are good at something (math,accounts,research,arts, writing, digging holes in the ground, etc) and your brain tells you that it makes logical sense to follow a career in that field because you can make some name and money in it, and then you convince your heart to like it. 


The catch here is to find that thing that you really like doing.
Otherwise it really doesn't matter. 


Oh and getting back into the context,the man has never been deterred by lack of money or fame. He just loves doing what he does and he pursues it day and night, week after week, month after month. 
Very Inspiring. 


------------------------


But what about lazy bums like me who like to watch life as it goes by? :)


------------------------

Notes to myself 1

Went to Mehta Nagar Bookshop 


The lady at the shop: Vaanga saar. Epdi irukkeenga. Enna romba naala aalaye kaanum?
Me: Hi! Epdi irukkenga. Adhu dhaan ippo vandhutaene!
Lady: Avanga varaliya? 
Me: (smiling to myself at the irony) Avanga varala. (and as an afterthought) Avanga velaila romba busy aa irukkanga.


I continue browsing books. 
After a while. 


Lady: Saar!! Enna ivvalo gundaaiteenga?! Neenga modhala varumbodhu evvalo olli kuchiyaa irrupeenga theriyuma? Ippo ivvalo gundaiyiteenga.
Me: (I become puppy shame) heh heh. Aaamam. Ippo oru edathula okkandhu velai seiyaraen. Saaptu saaptu thoongaraen. Adhdhaan. 
Lady: (giggles) 


I bought for a sum of 270 rupees the following. 


1) Ed Mcbain - Hail, Hail, The Gang's All Here! (An 87th Precinct mystery)
2) Bertolt Brecht - The Good Person of Szechwan
3) Daydreamer - Romantic Adventure Library No.268 (WOW! okay so there is absolutely no info online about this book. Its a b/w comic which has handsome men and pretty women and some indian looking guy and some adventure happening)
4) Peter Lovesey - The False Inspector Dew
5) Steve Jackson & Ian Livingstone - Midnight Rogue (its my first Fighting fantasy gamebook!)
6) Vidya Pradhan - The Milkman's Cow
7) Asha Nehemiah - The Rajah's Moustache (this and the book above won top awards in the read out loud/picture books category in competition for writers of children's books organised by Children's Book Trust, CBT)
8) Aravind Adiga - Between the Assassinations 
9) Amit Chaudhuri - Freedom Song
10) Bhavna Chauhan - Where Girls Dare
11) Rohinton Mistry - Such a Long Journey


They came upto 290. And the lady gave me a 20 buck discount. 


---------------------------------


A quote that I contemplate often came back into my head today. 
Its a proverb and it goes "never look a gift horse in the mouth".
I keep wondering when is it okay to look a gift horse in the mouth? maybe two years after you got it as a gift? Is it okay to look then? 


-----------------------------------
It stuck me recently that your emotional dependency on people is way more than normal. I realised this when I was driving to Mehta Nagar. I figured that the only reason I am so depressed in life is because I feel like someone took away my safety blanket. Now I feel so naked and vulnerable to the forces of life. I am scared they would get me before I can get the blanket back around me. 
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The boy who could never relate to most of my depressed rants is falling in love. He is slowly getting to know what it is to be emotionally involved with a woman (that is not his mum). It is always so cute to hear stories about the blossoming of love, especially first love. It is in a way reassuring. You know, the big deal about having faith in life and keeping hope and stuff? This is the kinda story that works well in those situations. 
--------------------------------------------------
When it comes to moving on, how soon is too soon? 
When is it okay to hold hands, cuddle up, sleep with another person after a break up? A week? A month? two months? I keep wondering if it is time bound at all. If you make up your mind and there is someone around waiting for you, then i would say two and a half hours. Go watch a movie (90mins) and get drunk/stoned and have dinner (an hour or so) and get right on with life. 
note to self - ask the J about her take on this. 
-------------------------------------------
The age old question of purpose of existence has been bothering me again ever since last month. knowing fully well that there isn't any purpose doesn't really help. The loss of my greatest illusion so far has really put me in a fix. Now I have to build another one from scratch. Or go back to my old one. Neither seems to be possible. Wtf are you gonna do dude?? Machi, nee tholanja po. 
--------------------------------------
It's a great struggle to keep malice out of my heart. Its nearly impossible not to build this ridiculous anger against someone whom I have never met. Even if i am fairly confident that this person played a crucial role in fucking with someone's head, I feel ashamed to give this random person so much credit. Are you telling me that some fello did a better job of convincing someone madly in love with you to walk away in approximately two months? Really? Wow. Come on, take a little more credit dude. You saw this coming. You played a big role in it. You let this happen to you. Stop playing the victim.


Okay. Fair enough. I am not altogether innocent. 
But what about fair play? What about benefit of doubt? What about... having faith, and keeping hope and all that bullcrap?
What about the two years that I invested in this? Are you telling me that people around me are gonna keep doing this thing where they ask me to get out whenever they feel like it? Are you telling me there is a pattern here that I am supposed to figure out and be aware of? 

Aren't I cynical enough as it is?


Are you telling me that I used up all my second chance coupons in 2007-2009? Are you telling me that people have been super lenient with me so far and all the niceties were back when I was on the other side of twenty and henceforth people are gonna start shitting all over me the minute I start acting up? 
Remember, I am not innocent. Everything that's happening to you is because of you. 




Hmmm... be warned man. The ride's just starting. 

My Dear Naresh

Okay. So I am gonna stop writing letters to random people.
Because these letters aren't meant for them.
And these letters are not gonna be read anymore. 


So I will write notes to myself.
That makes so much more sense.



Take care man.
And hold on tight. 
The ride's just starting. 




Suresh

My dear Dinesh

Its been a while. How was your weekend?


I left friday afternoon to bangalore. I reached by around 9 and we had dinner at ashwin's place. After that Buay and I left to his place. On the way I picked up half a bottle of Royal Stag and Pepsi. 


Buay lives in this amazingly huge residential colony/apartment complex. There are supposedly 650 houses inside his complex. It was massive. It was overwhelming.


The first impressions of his house was very positive. Its a small single bedroom place. There is a hall and on the far right there is a kitchen and next to that the only bedroom. On the left of the hall is the loo. Thats all. It was a simple house.

We freshened up and i mixed my drink in the pepsi bottle and we stepped out for a walk around the apartment. Thats when It actually hit me how big it was.

We got back and settled down in his bedroom. There are no furniture in his house. The hall is empty except for the tv and its stand. (which btw doesn't work because he has no cable connection) The kitchen is okay. he has a stove and a hot plate and everything but he rarely uses his kitchen. The bedroom has a cupboard on one side and the other wall is a window that opens out to a lovely view of the apartment complex. His bedroom has just one bed and a charpoy. 


We watched Dr.Strangelove. Have you seen it? Pls do whenever you get the chance. Its super. 


We woke up early next day. And we had absolutely nothing to do. So I got drunk again. By about 9-30am I was drunk dialing people asking them to tell me where I can go score in blore. I even called Sathya in the US. lol.


We lazed around and went for a late lunch to Bhagini & had andhra meals. This is a strange story. Apparently I had been to that place once before with Ashwin & buay for lunch and I had absolutely no recollection of that. No memory at all. I kept arguing with buay and we even called up Ashwin to confirm. He said we had been there once. 
Why don't I remember anything then?


Came back home and slept. Ashwin came and woke us up later. Then their colleagues joined us. We then played cards. At 8-30 we left for Kurt's budday party. 


Kurt is their colleague. Genial guy from a very sweet family. We were joined later by his friends. 30 something fun loving bunch of boys. We were drinking there from 9pm to 4am. We cut cake at 12 and even gave Kurt budday bumps. 


Next morning we woke up very late. I had a long bath to get rid of my hangover and then buay and I headed to Taco Bell for lunch. Its at the Sony World junction at Kormangala. 


Taco Bell is worth a try. We got out and then i dragged buay to the toy store across the road.

I got in and my eyes welled up and I had to struggle to keep the tears at bay. 

Whereas buay was so mesmerised by the remote control cars they had. A million thoughts ran thru my head. Of how you would have loved it there and how we would have spent a few hours happily in there, longingly looking at all the toys and reminiscing. I thought of all the toys I have had and all those I so badly wanted but never got my hands on... I thought of all the things I had missed out in my childhood and before I could start feeling bad about it, i remembered this small "tankie" thats there in my Golu set.

That tankie was my dad's priced possession. I don't think my dad had any other toy other than this tankie. Its a small brown colored one where the barrel moves back and forth as the tank moves forward. And it is still there in his possession. I suddenly felt very sad. I felt sad for all that my dad missed out on and all the sacrifices he had to make to provide for his family, to provide for me. I remembered my mum telling me long back when I was much younger that my dad's family was very poor and they had a lot of stomachs to feed and that my dad has gone without food on many days. I remembered my mum telling me how he walked long miles to college and his only possession were three sets of white dhoti and shirts. I remembered my mum telling me that he studied on a govt loan and that he repaid it within two years of finishing college. I remembered how he gave up his dream of becoming an artist to support his brothers and sisters. I remembered how my dad and mum decided after great deliberation to abort their second child because they thought that I was more important and that they may not be able to provide for another son or daughter. I remember my mum telling me how after this heartbreaking decision my dad decided to get a Vasectomy.


We then got out and got into Chroma. I looked around without any interest at some of the latest gadgets - awesome smartphones, uber cool laptops and all-in-one desktops.

I was in this blah mood for a while. Then buay decided to take me to Total Mall near his place. Thats a super massive shopping center. Its really huge. Like half a km in length and four floors. We roamed around there for a while.

I imagined furnishing buay's place and making it my own. I saw this very nice cot and table set which i thought would suit his place very well. I picked out matching bedsheets and curtains. I imagined getting married to you, moving into that place, decorating it with all our wedding gifts, both of us working in bangalore; I imagined coming back home early and making a surprise dinner for you of dosa and fish curry. And once it became dark, we would go for a quiet walk around the apartment, holding hands, and talking about our day and speculating what the people in the other apartments were upto...
I imagined coming back home and cuddling up with you in our two seater couch and watching a movie till you dozed off. 


And I imagined all of this and I became very jealous of buay. I wished I could swap places with him. Oh I forgot to tell you, our man is slowly falling in love. Its very cute. And the girl is already in love with him. They are both up late messaging each other, getting to know each other. Its very heartwarming you know. Something similar is happening with ashwin too. Except I didn't get to see it at close quarters. You know how buay has this very cute smile that makes him look like he knows a secret that nobody else does? Well, if you saw him now, thats what he would look like. :-)


We roamed around Total Mall and shopped for some vegetables and fruits and I missed you terribly. I felt this sudden urge to bring you to bangalore and take you to this mall.

We got out and got back home. There was a bottle of Vat 69 that we had bought the previous day and having nothing better to do, I got drunk.

And I spoke a lot. I spoke a lot to buay as we drove from home to his office to get print out of my tickets and then to dinner at Panjabi Tadka and back home. I spoke all this while about my life. I told him about my plans for the next to years, the new company and my hopes and dreams for it. I told him about my depression and I told him why this is the most difficult phase of my life so far and I told him about you and me. 


We then changed topics and continued talking about random things until we dozed off.

We got up in the morning, and he dropped me at the station and I got the train and got back home today.

It broke my heart to see that I have been removed from your blogroll and that you are going to stop writing to me. I understand that you want to move on. I respect that.

But I think I will keep writing. I am writing for you. And I am writing for myself. Somedays it's for me and somedays its for you. I want to hold on to this for dear life. It may not do me much good. But I want to do it because it matters to me. Because it is important for me. Simply because I want to do it. 


I want to remember this phase of my life. I want to record all my thoughts. I want to be able to read all of this some day and remember how much I cared about someone in my life. For all I know, I may not care so much again about anybody else. My memory is bad but I want to record as much of it as i can before I forget and before life takes over and before time heals all wounds. 


Thats why I want to keep writing. 




take care. I hope you are alright. I hope you are having a good time otherwise.




love, hugs and kisses
Suresh. 

My Dear Nareh

I am in bangalore. 

I reached at 9 and buay came to pick me up. 

We came off to ashwin's place for dinner.
Theres a t20 champions league match on tv. 

I chanced upon this today just before leaving.
It helped me thru the train journey. 

Have a nice weekend. 

Love,

Suresh.

PS:I would have typed out a longer letter. but buay wants to go home soon. will hopefully write a little more tomorrow.

My Dear Taruna

How are you?
How is work?
How was your vacation?




Let me keep this short.

I had a rejuvenating, refreshing conversation with my prof today. He told me to pursue with conviction whatever i believe in and to work my ass off. Its exactly what i wanted to hear even if it is right off the shelves. 


I saw Crazy, Stupid, Love. You should watch it.
I think I subscribe to that theory (in the movie). 




Cheers
Suresh





PS: I want to write well thought out stuff. Not just off the top of my head. 

My dear

I am not sure who this is meant for.


I am lost. 




I am defeated. 




I am tired. 




Goodnight. 






Suresh.

Dear Ashwin

You know what's been a major motivating factor for me to continue writing? Blogger has an awesome new interface. I used to hate the old one. Now its so clean and supremely usable. 


Hello man.
How it goes?


My day was okay. More or less. I spent a major portion of it staring at an excel sheet. I made it from scratch today. And to think that this sheet of numbers is gonna determine my life for the next 18 months is a little scary. But its empowering too, because in a way, i get to choose my destiny. 


Today was some function at home. My mum had invited Revathy athai home for lunch. There was special food too. Vadai, Paruppu pradhaman, kathrikka kootu, vazhaikka usili, pooshnikka sambar, rasam and raitha, and rice and curd. It was a feast on a leaf.

My mum exhausts herself putting these function feasts together. Its a lot of time spent in front of the stove and on top of that she has all these madi-aacharam mannaangatti (sand-cake) issues. I suggested to her at a later point that I will get her a cook (a pious, clean brahmin woman at that) and she flatly refused it. She won't be okay with any intrusions into her fortress. But then she confessed so humbly that this is her only duty in the house and if i took that away from her, then she would be quite jobless. 


And at that moment I sort of understand what she means. I know what it feels like to take away the only 'purpose' in life. Please don't think I am exaggerating if i say that I going thru a bout of purposelessness right now. 


I tried counter arguing that she could get a new hobby, like read books, or visit temples or hang out with other aunties in the area, and so on. She said, she could do all that but none of that would match the satisfaction she gets out of feeding us. She then went all mega-serial on me and declared that the day she is unable to get up and walk to the kitchen i should go look for a cook. 


The rest of my day was also about the excel sheet. You know what. I don't trust the guy i sent the sheet to. I think he is going to put personal interest ahead of the company's. I honestly don't trust him. I hope for the sake of the company that I am wrong. I keep hearing these distant warning bells go off everytime i interact with him. But that could be more from the mistrust that happened over our personal tiff more than anything else. I am not sure anymore. 


I then took my dad to the temple. While i waited outside, I spoke for a longtime with buay and rashwin. OH!!!! I almost forgot to tell you dude.
I am going to B'lore this weekend!!!!!! 
I think I need this vacation. To say that I have had a rough month would be putting it mildly. So the plan is for me to take the Lalbagh Express on friday at 3-30pm which will drop me off at K.R.Puram by about 9pm. Buay has promised to pick me up and take me to dinner and then home. Saturday will be lunch at rashwin's place - his parents are in blore. So homemade lunch and then evening we are attending their colleague Kurt Gilby's budday party. We intend to get super drunk and pass out at his place. Sunday morning means Oil massage and head bath and then Andhra meals. Sunday night I am taking the train back to chennai.

I want to meet a few people too. Maybe i will meet Brinda. I want to meet Rehaz. I am not sure if he would pick up my calls though. I want to go congratulate him on his new job and maybe buy him a beer. I doubt if that will happen. I want to goto Blossom and buy truck loads of books. I doubt if i will do that. I want to goto Corner House and have death by chocolate. I doubt if i will get there. 


But more than anything else, I want to take you along to blore....


I am sorry to put you thru emotional crap like this man. I miss you and I hope I will get to meet you sometime soon. I know things haven't been great between us, but I am sure we can put all of that behind someday and be what we were... Best friends for life. If you need me to sign on the dotted line someday, I am sure I will be ready very soon. In about half a year? But it is really your choice.


How was your day like? I know you are doing great at work and I am very proud of you, dude. You are growing at an amazing speed that sometimes startles me. In a year, you will be ready to do great things... Do your own thing, or move on to bigger roles and eventually realise your dream. Not very far off. And nothing is going to stop you. Not me, not your family pressures, nobody can stop you. I have heard that determination in your voice. You have what it takes and you can do it. Just make sure you never doubt yourself. Not for a second, ok?


Take care man. Enjoy yourself. I know you need a vacation too. Please take one as soon as possible. Go for a trip to pondy or something, with friends... Or goto a nice quiet hillstation or a beach resort with someone you want to be with. And just forget about all that went wrong and forget about all your work issues and just chill the fuck out. I know you need it. 




Peace out, bro.  
Suresh. 






PS: On a completely different note http://www.facebook.com/ChennaiRTFF
http://sudhishkamath.com/2011/09/20/chennai-roof-top-film-festival-revival-heist-night/
Check these out. There is a potential story somewhere in it. 

My Dear Nirmala

I am late and I am drunk. 

My day was mostly shitty. 

It was majorly wasted in pointless pursuits and aimless wanderings.

I spent it watching MMS clips off some 3gp site and then later in the evening I went with my dad for a preview show to watch a yet to be released movie which was pretty much along the same lines.

And then I went drinking with Sid.
He challenged me. He said i was wasting my life. He asked me to risk it and goto New jersey or London or more practically goto Bombay where he said I should slog like a donkey for a year till I figure out what I am worth. 

And he even said go apply to Mukesh, of the Ambani family. 

I dunno if it was just drunk talk or if he really meant it. I am guessing he really meant it.
It was a lot to think about. I admit, he is right. I think I am wasting away. I should challenge myself. If I don't do it now, I will never be able to do it ever. 

You know what, I think I just might. I just might. 

And sometime during the day, i found this little piece online titled "HOW TO EMPOWER YOUR DAUGHTER"

• Let your daughter get dirty. Children need to explore the world around them and be physically active. Science, nature, sports, arts, and crafts--all these important parts of growing up entail getting dirty.
• Give her time to try to do a task herself rather than "rescue her" by giving advice or doing it for her. Encourage her to be persistent in working out her own solutions.
• Encourage your daughter to state her opinions and thoughts, and listen respectfully to what she says. If she has trouble speaking out in class, practice with her at home and help her plan strategies for the classroom.
• Notice how you compliment girls. Typically girls get compliments on what they wear or how they look, while boys get compliments on what they do. Try to give compliments on specific accomplishments, not general qualities. "Your speech had a powerful opening," not "You are a good speaker."
• Encourage her to participate in sports. Give her the support to join a team sport. Show her you value physical fitness and strength in girls and women.
• Watch television together and discuss the portrayal of women, how realistic it is, what messages it sends. Extend this to movies, videos, magazines, and computer games.
• Find ways to help your daughter develop math, science, and computer skills. Provide games that develop spatial skills such as puzzles, model kits, checkers and chess, etc. For older girls, look into after-school classes or summer camps on math, science, and computers.
• See that she learns some mechanical, building, and repairing skills, and becomes familiar with tools. Give young girls blocks and simple tools. Have older girls learn to repair bicycles and encourage them to take apart old appliances, etc.
• Emphasize the importance of developing talents and interests. Such pastimes give girls pleasure and a self-image that doesn't rely on appearances, popularity, or relationships. Girls need to be good at doing things as well as at dealing with people.
• Examine your expectations for girls and boys. Do you give boys more leeway to be rowdy, physically active, outspoken? Do you expect girls to be more domestic, caring, polite, thoughtful? Do you expect boys to help with outdoor tasks and girls with indoor ones?
• Introduce her to strong female role models. Expose her to a variety of career possibilities and women who enjoy their work. Teach her to assume she will have to make her own living someday, as most women do. Participate in Take Our Daughters to Work Day in April!
• Support your daughter in pursuing her interests and in taking risks. Be ready to help, but encourage her to make her own decisions and choices. Praise her for her intelligence, abilities, and initiative as well as hard work and dedication. Most of all, believe in her.

I think, I did many of those things for you, my dear Nirmala. You may differ, but I definitely did work along the lines of the article above. I was very protective of you, but I let you explore the world too. I watched you get your hands dirty, I taught you little things I knew, I helped you understand the person that you are, I supported you in your pursuits, I encouraged you to try harder, to push yourself, to set high goals, to believe in yourself.
And most of all, I listened to you. To everything you had to say. Very patiently. 

I hope you are enjoying your day off. I hope you had fun last night. 

I hope you get to spend time with people you like, with boys you fancy... without being silly about it. You are a big girl now, Nirmala. I understand that you are attracted to boys your age/boys elder to you. Its quite natural.

I hope you know that I am not going to prevent you from pursuing these boys. I hope you know that I am here for you, if you wish to talk about it. Sure, I am no expert in these topics, but I am willing to listen to you, without being judgmental, without getting angry in the pretext of being protective. 

Like i said, its quite natural and I will not stop you from talking to boys or spending time with them even though it makes me very jealous to think that one day my precious little girl will be swept off her feet and carried away into the sunset by some lucky fello.


Take care my lovely little one.

You will always be my favourite thing in the world.

lots of warmth, love and hugs,
Suresh

My dear Fauzia

How are you, my pretty one?
Is sunday treating you well, my love?


Last night at around 12-30 it started raining pretty heavily. I hope you were safely indoors and enjoying the rains from a distance. I couldn't sleep too well for a long time. The flashes of lightning and the whiplash of thunder kept me awake. I was worried for all those on the road, getting back home after saturday night's party. I was worried you might have got stuck in the rains like the last time. And most of all, i was worried about myself.
A brilliant flash of lightning showed a reflection of me cowering under my sheets, afraid of the wrath of nature, the fury of the winds. I realised I am not a strong person. I am not brave enough to tread new waters all by myself. I realised that I am not going to become the great person that I wish to be simply because I lack what it takes to get there. The conviction. And faith in myself. I don't have it.

In fact I think I am the kind of person who is very comfortable in his mediocrity. I am more than happy to be jealous of the gifted, more than satisfied in being "sour-grapes" about the risk takers.


And that puts me in a strange situation. Now that I have realised I don't like challenges, and I don't have faith in myself, I am not sure what I want to do with my life anymore. It has lost its charm. 


I am going thru things with a sense of detachment, especially work, with a single minded purpose to keep myself occupied and ofcourse make some money in the process. 


Thats what hit me last night in the rain. And thats why I was worried. 


I woke up rather late. My parents left early in the morning to pondy. They were going off to get sloshed and catch up on all the gujjals that they missed out on all these years.




Yeah, right. 


They went off to meet long time family friends. They are on their way back as i type. 


Makes me wonder though. about long lasting marriages. Let me save it for another day. 


As i was saying, I woke up late and searched online for something to engage me, something to wake me up, grab me by the shoulders and shake me up, something that would spur me into action. 


Dear Fauzia, let me tell you something. The internet has little to offer in that direction. And I looked for you too. In some vain hope that I would find a reason to smile, to cheer, to hoot in joy.

Alas. 



I then remembered it was Vgoo's budday. I called him up and wished him. We spoke for a while. His mum is visiting him so he has some company on his budday. He turns 26 today. He has clearly told his parents to leave the bride hunt to him. He isn't too hopeful though. He says he just bought himself a year or two to chill out. 


I spoke the most. I told him about all the changes in my life - the new company and the story of its genesis, my current state of mind and the reason behind its sadness and so on. He listened patiently, inspite of it being his budday and all that. 


"why the fuck didn't you call me before dude?", was all he said in the end.

I didn't have an answer to him. Honestly, I had forgotten all about him. He is my bestest friend in the whole wide world and I had forgotten to call him when i was going thru some tough shit. What is with that?!


I figured I had surrounded my entire life with only thoughts of work, and you know who. And in the process I had sacrificed my relationship with my BFF. Sigh. It is true, you know, that study that says you lose two of your closest friends when you get into a relationship. 


Then I made noodles (yes, I am back to being noodle-face.) and had a lazy brunch, dragged myself reluctantly to the bath, got out and had lunch after a while and then headed out to for a meeting at office. 


Vikram, from Hyd was interested in what we were doing and had come down all the way to meet us. We spoke at length about our new venture and he seemed very interested in working with us + investing in our program. 


He had to leave by 5 to catch a train. We then went to adyar and discussed the possibilities. Somehow, the other two boys were a little threatened by his entry. I suppose his investment would mean lesser stake for everyone and even lesser control. 


I left by about 7pm and came to meet buay. His mum had made idlis and i stuffed myself with 7 of those. (reminded me of how much you used to look forward to your sunday breakfast...Hot idlis with super sambar! do you still enjoy them as you used to, Fauzia?) We spoke for a bit while watching Mankatha special program on sun tv. I then dropped buay at the mambalam station. On the way I narrated the "Underwear" story. You remember how cutely he laughs? It felt nice to make him laugh so much as I told the story. 


I drove back home. 




Oh, I almost forgot. Sometime during the day I sent a budday card to Vgoo and while I was at it, I picked out some cards that I liked. What do you think?




Thats about it. 


Hope you had a fun weekend.

I...


umm...




warm regards, 
Suresh. 

My Dear Raj

Wuzzzzzzzaaaa!
How are you doing today?
Today is a saturday and I hope you are out having a good time. 
I know you like your saturdays. I hope you are surrounded by beer, loud music, dancing, and most importantly people you like.

My saturday started out lazy. I woke up rather late and sat down after a bath and brunch (dosa again, Mum's got lot of maavu around at home to last a lifetime) to get some work done.

I made a call to Kotagiri and figured out some details for the trip. I told them that I would be bringing someone along to take video. I think they are okay with it although I am not sure how the kids would react to a video camera AND a new guy teaching them something strange.

I also found out that the storytelling classes aren't going too well. The kids aren't interested in listening to their teacher read out from Jungle Book. They want something more engrossing. something with pictures I suppose. They prefer reading by themselves. I know that if i told them the story of Jungle book they would love it. But how do i get the teachers to do a good job themselves? Therein lies the challenge. 


And then I had an interesting conversation with Janani about relationships. She reads this blog regularly (prolly the only other person to do so) and she observed that something was going on. I confessed it was just a strange obsession of mine that i was indulging in. The we spoke about how we are always trying to please the other person in a relationship until we hit a point where we ask, "whats in it for me?" And then i said its gonna go downhill after that. She pointed out that it gets very exhausting when we indulge in obsessive love, to which i said that most of the time we are hardly aware of it. And even if we are, we convince ourselves that we are pursing something great and continue without too much of introspection. I told her a little bit about my new job but then had to stop conversation because it was lunch time and I had to head out to buay's place. 


(I think you should read her recent blogpost about a girl contemplating a dip in a lake. Its very well written.)


Lunch at buay's place was awesome as always. It was chicken kozhambu and roasted chicken. I belted... we were then watching Panchathanthiram on TV for a while and then we headed out.

There was more food in the offing. We stopped at Bajji kadai and had freshly made, super hot, dripping in oil capsicum bajji and vazhakaa bajji.
And then we went to Rado. And I had butterfruit juice while he went for fruit salad with ice cream. Yeah, I know man. We always end up stuffing our faces when we hang out INSPITE of our personal resolutions to lose weight. Haw Haw.


And out of the blue we decided to goto Trade Center to check out the Times automobile fair. In my awesome-O. Thats what he calls my kinetic. we weren't sure if the poor thing would survive the trip. We fueled up and headed towards kathipara. And just before turning towards Nandambakkam, buay had a strange impulse and turned left into the road leading towards St.Thomas Mount.


He said he had been wanting to go there for a long time and BC and him had planned to do it the next time they were in chennai. We stopped next to a nice white house and asked a mallu uncle for directions. He was a handsome man, early forties. With his bulging muscles, in his lungi and banian, i thought he would have given the mallu villains a run for their money. He spoke politely though, without an accent! 


A left turn about a hundred metres from his place took us to the road with an upward incline. Raj, you wont believe it! It felt like we had been teleported to a far away small town on the foothills of a mountain range. There were cows lazing around on the badly laid roads, kids running about, countless shrines, and churches and prayer halls and a quick drop in temperature. We then entered the archway and bought a entry token and the steep climb began.
It was just a half a km ride, and as we turned a bend on the road, madras lay bare in front of us. It was like looking at your favorite heroine without make-up, the way she would be at home before going to sleep? It was a whole new perspective of a long worshiped beauty. 


"faaaaaaak", buay said. "this is awesome!".
I concurred. It was beautiful. We slowed down and took in the view. I spotted a couple standing near the bend in the road, engrossed in conversation, oblivious to the rest of the world, ignoring the fantastic view. They knew they were at a special place, and were completely at ease.

We then parked the bike and climbed up to the church slowly. An opening in the trees on the right gave way to another magnificent view, and just at that moment a flight came in for landing. It was amazing, Raj! 


Then we walked a little up and turned left and I saw a cemetery, with four rows of neatly arranged tombstones, one next to another. They were exactly replicas of each other, the only difference being some had withered bouquets of flowers on them while the others didn't. 


64, 82, 90, 29, 18, 46...The ages of the people laying in rest there was written on their tombstones.


Then we climbed the stairs and there was a wide open ground and the whole of madras was visible in front of us. We could see the airport on one side, the Equestrian academy on the other, and we even spotted the Hyatt far away. It was cloudy and there was a cool breeze.

I felt alone. I had only one thought in my mind. That if i ever could, i would bring you here. And sit with you and while you took in the view and watched planes take off and land with a childish fascination, chattering incessantly, i would stare at you with contentment and savour the moment and store it away for those lonely days that await me later in life. 


The shrine itself was nice, and functional. Not particularly pretty. I suppose they figured that with such a wonderful view, that would touch people's hearts there was really no need to try hard. 

Strangely we observed that there was a Kodimaram, and a thaer (a temple chariot) and bells and other things that are certainly Hindu in their origins.I haven't visited too many churches but i am sure this is an anomaly and not a norm.

We spent a little longer there, thanking ourselves for the detour that we took.

And as we climbed down, all I could think of was... you. 


We then went to the trade center and checked out the cars over there. Raj, you would have liked it. I am sure you and buay would have had an engaging conversation about cars and i would have stood back and watched you both talk about your favourite topic. We saw a white Audi A8 and a red Audi R6.


There was also a chocolate fair next door but i wasn't really in the mood, plus my tummy was full.


We drove back thru Ramapuram and MGR Nagar and KK Nagar and Ashok Pillar and reached Mambalam. I dropped buay off and came home. 


It was a good trip. We had lots of laughs and tripped on everyone on the road.... 


Its nice to know that your days are packed and so are your evenings. Its good to keep yourself occupied. I know you are good at it. I am happy you are able to talk about your life with people you trust and have an open conversation. And that you are taking a serious effort to move on in life without letting things pull you down.

I am very proud of your work too. Its amazing how much you manage to do with so many constraints and under a lot of pressure. I have always admired your work ethic. 


Hope you are okay and hope you are taking care of yourself. 


There were lots of things i wanted to write to you about, but as it always happens i get caught in a train of thought and before i depart i forget the things i wanted to write about. 




Goodnight, have a great weekend.


Suresh.