Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Notes to myself 1

Went to Mehta Nagar Bookshop 


The lady at the shop: Vaanga saar. Epdi irukkeenga. Enna romba naala aalaye kaanum?
Me: Hi! Epdi irukkenga. Adhu dhaan ippo vandhutaene!
Lady: Avanga varaliya? 
Me: (smiling to myself at the irony) Avanga varala. (and as an afterthought) Avanga velaila romba busy aa irukkanga.


I continue browsing books. 
After a while. 


Lady: Saar!! Enna ivvalo gundaaiteenga?! Neenga modhala varumbodhu evvalo olli kuchiyaa irrupeenga theriyuma? Ippo ivvalo gundaiyiteenga.
Me: (I become puppy shame) heh heh. Aaamam. Ippo oru edathula okkandhu velai seiyaraen. Saaptu saaptu thoongaraen. Adhdhaan. 
Lady: (giggles) 


I bought for a sum of 270 rupees the following. 


1) Ed Mcbain - Hail, Hail, The Gang's All Here! (An 87th Precinct mystery)
2) Bertolt Brecht - The Good Person of Szechwan
3) Daydreamer - Romantic Adventure Library No.268 (WOW! okay so there is absolutely no info online about this book. Its a b/w comic which has handsome men and pretty women and some indian looking guy and some adventure happening)
4) Peter Lovesey - The False Inspector Dew
5) Steve Jackson & Ian Livingstone - Midnight Rogue (its my first Fighting fantasy gamebook!)
6) Vidya Pradhan - The Milkman's Cow
7) Asha Nehemiah - The Rajah's Moustache (this and the book above won top awards in the read out loud/picture books category in competition for writers of children's books organised by Children's Book Trust, CBT)
8) Aravind Adiga - Between the Assassinations 
9) Amit Chaudhuri - Freedom Song
10) Bhavna Chauhan - Where Girls Dare
11) Rohinton Mistry - Such a Long Journey


They came upto 290. And the lady gave me a 20 buck discount. 


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A quote that I contemplate often came back into my head today. 
Its a proverb and it goes "never look a gift horse in the mouth".
I keep wondering when is it okay to look a gift horse in the mouth? maybe two years after you got it as a gift? Is it okay to look then? 


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It stuck me recently that your emotional dependency on people is way more than normal. I realised this when I was driving to Mehta Nagar. I figured that the only reason I am so depressed in life is because I feel like someone took away my safety blanket. Now I feel so naked and vulnerable to the forces of life. I am scared they would get me before I can get the blanket back around me. 
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The boy who could never relate to most of my depressed rants is falling in love. He is slowly getting to know what it is to be emotionally involved with a woman (that is not his mum). It is always so cute to hear stories about the blossoming of love, especially first love. It is in a way reassuring. You know, the big deal about having faith in life and keeping hope and stuff? This is the kinda story that works well in those situations. 
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When it comes to moving on, how soon is too soon? 
When is it okay to hold hands, cuddle up, sleep with another person after a break up? A week? A month? two months? I keep wondering if it is time bound at all. If you make up your mind and there is someone around waiting for you, then i would say two and a half hours. Go watch a movie (90mins) and get drunk/stoned and have dinner (an hour or so) and get right on with life. 
note to self - ask the J about her take on this. 
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The age old question of purpose of existence has been bothering me again ever since last month. knowing fully well that there isn't any purpose doesn't really help. The loss of my greatest illusion so far has really put me in a fix. Now I have to build another one from scratch. Or go back to my old one. Neither seems to be possible. Wtf are you gonna do dude?? Machi, nee tholanja po. 
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It's a great struggle to keep malice out of my heart. Its nearly impossible not to build this ridiculous anger against someone whom I have never met. Even if i am fairly confident that this person played a crucial role in fucking with someone's head, I feel ashamed to give this random person so much credit. Are you telling me that some fello did a better job of convincing someone madly in love with you to walk away in approximately two months? Really? Wow. Come on, take a little more credit dude. You saw this coming. You played a big role in it. You let this happen to you. Stop playing the victim.


Okay. Fair enough. I am not altogether innocent. 
But what about fair play? What about benefit of doubt? What about... having faith, and keeping hope and all that bullcrap?
What about the two years that I invested in this? Are you telling me that people around me are gonna keep doing this thing where they ask me to get out whenever they feel like it? Are you telling me there is a pattern here that I am supposed to figure out and be aware of? 

Aren't I cynical enough as it is?



Are you telling me that I used up all my second chance coupons in 2007-2009? Are you telling me that people have been super lenient with me so far and all the niceties were back when I was on the other side of twenty and henceforth people are gonna start shitting all over me the minute I start acting up? 
Remember, I am not innocent. Everything that's happening to you is because of you. 




Hmmm... be warned man. The ride's just starting. 



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