fleeting thoughts 2

I was going through some old chat conversations.
A lot of them.


And...
I hate to admit it.

I was an idiot.
I was mean and rude most of the time.
I was selfish.
I was lazy.
I refused to go out.
I hardly said nice things.
I was discouraging.
I was controlling.
I was always making jokes.
I never listened.
I never paid attention.
I was all about me.

I wasn't respectful.
I wasn't caring.
I wasn't decent.
I wasn't accommodating.
I wasn't fair.
I wasn't kind.
I always took.
I hardly gave.

I had very little to give other than my time.
And I stopped giving that too.

I know I tried compensating by providing whatever little I could.
And I realise that it didn't matter much.

I am sorry.



I think I took away too much and gave too little and I never realised it.

I think that explains the desperation in my posts, the craving for your all-giving kindness. 


I hardly gave you what you you wanted.
I never gave you what you desired.

I think you deserve better.

Much better.

And I hope you will get it someday...
-------------------------------------------------------

me: hmmmmmmmmm

R: :)
I love you :)

me: i love you tooooooo R.

R: thissss much?
 :)

me: yeah!
thisssssssssssssss much!

 R: :) aww..
 uve become so nice... since we got back.

me: whats that supposed to mean???
 huh
 huh
 

R: hahahahha..
 i mean u wre nice before..
but that whole.. u being nice. respectful.. extra caring..
 was not there.

me: what?!
 WHAAAATTTTTTT?
 

R: not as much as now!
 i mean.... u wud never say ... " why do u sound like u got fucked from behind?" ...
 to me now..

me: hahahahaha
 hahahahaha
 ofcourse i will!
 :P

R: of course u wont.

me: i dont remember when i said this!

R: nto as serious as how u said it then though

me: lol
 hahahahahhahahaha
 

R: whaat :(
ure much nicer now.

me: awwwwwwww
 thank you
 you are much nicer now too

R: and you've helped me grow. and i think it took awhile for u to realize.. ive grown.

me: hmmmm

R: i was always nice :D

me: hahahah
 yeash
 thats true though
 you have always been nice
 :)

 R: :)
 thats because i love you.
i am very selfless when it comes to you.

me: hnmmmmmmmmmm
 yeah
 :)
 true

R: :)
ok ill go sleep now ok..
 temme something nice before i go no
okay ill call u.
 bye

me: okay
 you call
 and i will say nice things
 :)





I don't remember if i did.

 --------------------------------------------

Goodnight.