She sleeps so peacefully.

Let her sleep.
She isn't waking up.
Let her sleep.
She will be alright tomorrow.
Let her sleep.
Let her sleep.
Let her rest
in peace.

Can't stop crying

I can't stop crying. She heard the bell ring. She walked with the support of her husband. She came and sat down next to me. One seat away from me. She could hardly speak. I smiled at her. She said she wanted to sit next to me. For the first time in her life she was in a nighty. Four sizes too big for her even though it said medium in it's tag. I smiled at her. I was drunk. And I walked away. From one seat away from her and sat at the dining table. And I broke down. I can't stop crying. I haven't spoken to her in years. I can't stop crying. she is 83 and dying. All she wanted was to sit one seat away from me. And she was happy to see me. It was 11 in the night. And I can't stop crying.

notes to myself 23

and we try to overwrite memories, in vain.
We hope we can do the exact same things, remembering the past, recreating the present, in hope we overwrite the past.
It doesn't  happen as well as you hope it would.
It happens in a way you aren't in control of.
You then resort to hoping that the other version of the same day same time happens in way that the current memory gets destroyed with passage of time, with new, powerful memories.
I hope you had a good diwali.
A new life, a new movie, a new movie.

In retrospect, I think it was okay the last time around, the same way it was okay this time too.
I hope you never have to go through what i had to, I hope you had already forgotten what I tried hard to erase
---------------------------------
I think I have a much larger memory than I had hoped I had.
------------------------------
So I am going to make it tougher than I had hoped it would be.
------------------------------
Why is it that we hold on so much than we expect we would?
------------------------------
In fragmented sentences, in fragmented thoughts,
I capture memories that I wish to forget.
In measured words, in censored versions,
I pray not to remember you.

notes to myself 22

My friend Sancho.
Such a nice read.
A pleasant breeze.
-------------------------
Was busy writing the b-plan exec summary last two nights.
Just about finished.
Waiting for edited version to come back.
Wish me luck, ok?
------------------------
So, I have a feeling we are going to blow away 5k for an unsatisfactory output.
Because there seems to be something basically wrong here.
You don't want to do it anymore.
------------------------
I can't believe I convinced this girl to block that boy today!
I seriously can't believe it.
And then I gave her a bit of faith, and a bit of strength and she did it.
But the surprising part was that she broke up with the other boy.
I wonder what was going through her head.
------------------------
Happy Diwali, folks.
------------------------
Milestones,
insignificant ones.
Like writing a 100 posts.

Lets talk
where there is something
significant,
ok?

notes to myself 21

Very long day.
Very little to say.




Won't someone
just take me away?

Ono no Komachi

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ono_no_Komachi

The autumn night

is long only in name --

We've done no more

than gaze at each other

and it's already dawn.

         (Tr. Hirshfield & Aratani)

Though I go to you

ceaselessly 

in my dreams,

the sum of those trysts

is less than a single glimpse

granted in the waking world.

  Was it because I fell asleep

      Tormented by longing

        That you appeared to me?

      Had I but known I dreamt

      I should have wished never to awaken.

               (Tr. Helen Craig McCullough)

                 I thought to pick

              the flower of forgetting

                for myself,

              but I found it

              already growing in his heart.

                       (Tr. Hirshfield & Aratani)

      A thing which fades

              With no outward sign

                Is the flower

              Of the heart of man

              In this world.

                       (Tr. Arthur Waley)

                 Those gifts you left

              have become my enemies:

                without them

              there might have been

              a moment's forgetting.

                                          (Tr. Hirshfield & Aratani)

        Sad -- 

              the end that waits me --

                To think at last

              I'll be a mere haze

              pale green over the fields.

                                     (Tr. Burton Watson)

                This body

              grown fragile, floating,

                a reed cut from its roots...

              If a stream would ask me

              to follow, I'd go, I think.

                                     (Tr. Hirshfield & Aratami)

The flowers withered
Their color faded away
While meaninglessly
I spent my days in the world
And the long rains were falling


  (Tr.Donald Keene)

fleeting thoughts 2

I was going through some old chat conversations.
A lot of them.


And...
I hate to admit it.

I was an idiot.
I was mean and rude most of the time.
I was selfish.
I was lazy.
I refused to go out.
I hardly said nice things.
I was discouraging.
I was controlling.
I was always making jokes.
I never listened.
I never paid attention.
I was all about me.

I wasn't respectful.
I wasn't caring.
I wasn't decent.
I wasn't accommodating.
I wasn't fair.
I wasn't kind.
I always took.
I hardly gave.

I had very little to give other than my time.
And I stopped giving that too.

I know I tried compensating by providing whatever little I could.
And I realise that it didn't matter much.

I am sorry.



I think I took away too much and gave too little and I never realised it.

I think that explains the desperation in my posts, the craving for your all-giving kindness. 


I hardly gave you what you you wanted.
I never gave you what you desired.

I think you deserve better.

Much better.

And I hope you will get it someday...
-------------------------------------------------------

me: hmmmmmmmmm

R: :)
I love you :)

me: i love you tooooooo R.

R: thissss much?
 :)

me: yeah!
thisssssssssssssss much!

 R: :) aww..
 uve become so nice... since we got back.

me: whats that supposed to mean???
 huh
 huh
 

R: hahahahha..
 i mean u wre nice before..
but that whole.. u being nice. respectful.. extra caring..
 was not there.

me: what?!
 WHAAAATTTTTTT?
 

R: not as much as now!
 i mean.... u wud never say ... " why do u sound like u got fucked from behind?" ...
 to me now..

me: hahahahaha
 hahahahaha
 ofcourse i will!
 :P

R: of course u wont.

me: i dont remember when i said this!

R: nto as serious as how u said it then though

me: lol
 hahahahahhahahaha
 

R: whaat :(
ure much nicer now.

me: awwwwwwww
 thank you
 you are much nicer now too

R: and you've helped me grow. and i think it took awhile for u to realize.. ive grown.

me: hmmmm

R: i was always nice :D

me: hahahah
 yeash
 thats true though
 you have always been nice
 :)

 R: :)
 thats because i love you.
i am very selfless when it comes to you.

me: hnmmmmmmmmmm
 yeah
 :)
 true

R: :)
ok ill go sleep now ok..
 temme something nice before i go no
okay ill call u.
 bye

me: okay
 you call
 and i will say nice things
 :)





I don't remember if i did.

 --------------------------------------------

Goodnight.

Notes to myself 20

I have been posting continuously since 15th of last month (barring the 3day gap during my Kotagiri visit)
I am going to give myself a round of applause.
applause
applause
clap clap clap
clap clap clap
--------------------------------------------
Today I thought about a lot of people in my life.
I was mailing a lot of people and before I typed out the mail I spent a few minutes thinking about the last time i met them or spoke to them.
I had forgotten that I knew a lot of people. And I had known them well, too.
At some point of time I had been very good friends with them.
And then they had disappeared from my life.
Sad, no?


It breaks my heart
\to think
that you are going to
disappear too.
-------------------------------------------
And then I got in touch with my long lost friend.
My agony aunt, my 'trip' friend (for we used to trip on each other ever so often), my all time love, my once-upon-a-time college crush, my very dear, happy drunk Maneetah...
And she would describe me as her girlfriend, her bitch, her trip mate, her comedian, her entertainment...

She was, between 2006-2008, quite close to my best friend and my favourite senior in college.
And these phases overlapped. (Oh yeah, they did. How come? because... keep reading)

We used to like similar things. Our tastes in book, music, men were sometimes very similar.

We used to be very good friends, but then we randomly stopped talking to each other sometime at the end of 2009. And I renewed connections with her today and we have a lot of catching up to do.

Girl talk!


Because
she
is
a
leo.
-------------------------------
Long working weekend ahead.
All over again.
Sigh. 

Notes to myself 19

Hmmm....

So I usually know within two months where it is going. I am not the kind to stall too much. If it is taking longer than that, then it could mean
a) balls need to be grown 

b) comfortable where it is right now, not gonna do anything about it. 

c) am not that attracted.

d) I will milk it as much as I can till I find something better. 

This is my rule of thumb. 

And yes, it gets complicated the minute "where is this going?" or "why hasn't it happened yet?" comes into the head. 

I would have gone for it by now, if I really really wanted to. I won't think too much about the shadows of yesterday or the shape of tomorrow.
And I did too, long ago. 

And got myself a keeper, too, you know?

-------------------------------------------------

I really need to learn to be clear and precise when I write. 

I am learning though, slowly.
The hard way.
I learnt today that "to begin with" is not the same as "in the beginning" and they could be interpreted in vastly different ways. 

-----------------------------------------------

I have been meeting quite a few people these days.
And I found a strange commonality in these people.
People seek out comfort zones and get into them easily.
We always want simple things in life. A work that we like or don't mind too much, decent salary, a house as close to work as possible, vegetables and provision stores close to that house, a few friends at work, a few friends outside, few living nearby, weekend outings, long walks, healthy food, movies, dinner, sleep, a boyfriend/girlfriend without any complications, maybe a long distance relationship, a place to call home that we visit once in a while and long for at other times, a mother and a father who will be around for very very long and not fall sick too often, a mother and father who we don't want to be like but secretly admit to be otherwise, a hobby or a sport to follow, a belief system to fall back on whenever in doubt, a party or a function to attend once in a while, a little celebration, a comfortable bed and a cozy pillow, a good loo where we get to be ourselves for a few minutes every day, lots of  happy memories of school and college life, a few sad ones thrown in to make the happy ones seem happier, a few books to read and some time for ourselves to do all the nothing that we want to do. 

I want these things too, sometimes. 

But I want more.

Lots more.


I don't want a comfort zone.
Not yet.

-----------------------------------------------

The best part about having fantastic realizations or coming up with theories is the certainty that we get with it. And the little voice at the back of the head that says, "ha, you fool" that we choose to ignore but remember later on and laugh about. 

----------------------------------------------
I have a little piece of goodnight with me.
It's came in the mail this evening, in the form of "Congratulations, your program has qualified to the next round of our business plan contest.", one that I applied to in a hurry, typing furiously with tear-blurred vision... 

Thank god for small mercies eh?

--------------------------------------------

And another round of indulgence.


Black Hole - Charles Burns

Zot! - Scott McCloud

Lucky - Gabrielle Bell

Louis Riel - Chester Brown

Abandon the Old in Tokyo - Yoshihiro Tatsumi

At 199 a piece.


Ohhh, Somebody Stop Me!

-----------------------------------------------

A Retrospective, from Illusions, Illustrated.

This was a poem I had found long ago and posted in my first blog on Thursday, August 21st, 2008.

I read it again recently and I thought, hey, why not end with a little taunt. - :-)

'It's raining in love'

I don't know what it is,
but I distrust myself
when I start to like a girl
a lot.

It makes me nervous.
I don't say the right things
or perhaps I start
to examine,
evaluate,
compute
what I am saying.

If I say, "Do you think it's going to rain?"
and she says, "I don't know,"
I start thinking: Does she really like me?

In other words
I get a little creepy.

A friend of mine once said,
"It's twenty times better to be friends
with someone
than it is to be in love with them."

I think he's right and besides,
it's raining somewhere, programming flowers
and keeping snails happy.
That's all taken care of.

BUT

if a girl likes me a lot
and starts getting real nervous
and suddenly begins asking me funny questions
and looks sad if I give the wrong answers
and she says things like,
"Do you think it's going to rain?"
and I say, "It beats me,"
and she says, "Oh,"
and looks a little sad
at the clear blue California sky,
I think: Thank God, it's you, baby, this time
instead of me.

-- Richard Brautigan

fleeting thoughts

It popped up in my head this morning, between the twin states of dream and sleeplessness.

A very good friend told me, a long time ago, when I had gone to him looking for sanity,

"the best thing to do is to talk it out. No point ranting about it to yourself or some third person. Be it a matter of the head or the heart, get the concerned person, sit down and have a straight conversation. No point in playing with it in your head. It doesn't help at all. Go, sit down, don't stand, sit down and talk - heart to heart, head to head, individual to individual. "

Hmmm... talk it out. 

Notes to myself 18

Did you know that there was originally a tagline below my blog title that read in black font in black background,
"I = you"?
------------------
I attended Pandit Shiv Kumar Sharma's concert today.
With Chinni.
And then I showed him my library and office.
And then he wanted to treat me for taking him to a fantastic concert.
So I took him to Treat.
And we had a lovely dinner of rotis and stuffed tomato and Veg Kohlapuri.
And then on our way back in Awesom-O I asked him to help me out with a story that I have been thinking about for two years.
And he listened to me patiently and he gave me my first piece of advice.
Rule number one - Make it as personal as possible. The story has to be about individuals and not types. So write from your life experiences. Do not write from the cinema you have seen or from the morality that has been ingested by you over a period of time. Do not to be judgmental about the characters you create. Let them speak and act for themselves. Write from your heart. Let it flow. Do not have any rules or restrictions when you write.

Thank you Chinni.
I hope to write my first draft soon and get to the more interesting part.
----------------------------
It's such a nice feeling to hear from an old friend, who is now in Texas and calls himself El Sapo from El Paso.

And so much faith and confidence he has in me.
It's reassuring.
Gives me hope.
Thanks El Sapo.
You made my day.
--------------
First day with first new member of the company went well.
Hope it gets better from now on.
-------------
Today,
I
go
to
sleep
a
happy
man.

Notes to myself 17

It was a long walk from the bus stand.
I crossed the road slowly, dragging my feet.
There were two people standing at the bus stop.
A boy, with a backpack and glasses and a girl.
They looked like sales reps, the ones you spot in pondy bazaar
peddling encyclopedias.
They stood three feet away from each other.
It was 11-25pm by my watch.

And yet they stood there
unmindful of the time,
eyes fixed at the distant road
wishing for a bus.
Casting quick glances,
feeling secure
in each other's presence.
----------------------------------

Such a Long Journey is coming to an end and the unrest in the book coincides with the unrest within. I don't want to get out of that world. Please let it not get over no?
Gustad... Dilnawaz... such earnest characters I wish I knew them. And so much love they have for each other, day after day twenty years into their marriage... 

Abhi na jao choddkar, 

Yeh dil abhi bharah nahi. 

------------------------------------

notes to myself 16

Lonewolf, Upstairs.
Good one, no?
-------------------------
I keep saying "Mannneyh Mannneyh Manneyh Mannneyh Manneyh" the way Ajit says it in Mankatha and its a strange adrenaline rush. I end up laughing that evil laugh and feeling like I own the world.
Surely, those guys were onto something big. Go ahead, try it out.
Say it the way he says it and I dare you to tell me that you don't feel the rush too.
---------------------------
I just get this strange feeling that very soon I will witness death around me.
I wish I could express this sensation in words. I can actually feel the cold fingers of death coiling around her neck slowly... squeezing out the life juices drop by drop. I can see her struggle, put up a fight.
I can smell the fear the escapes from her mouth whenever she gasps for air.
I can see the longing in her eyes, the lust for another day, an extra hour, a few stolen minutes.
And I can understand her need to speak, to interfere with life that seems to be happening without her contribution. She wants to be heard, she wants to speak as much as she can before it is too late but nobody listens to her. She is made to shut up, by her son, by her husband and sometimes by her conscience.
She is dying, and she knows it. She is putting up a good fight. She is a survivor. She always was.
I can't look at her.
I avert my gaze quickly if our eyes meet perchance.

I don't have the decency to smile at her or acknowledge her presence.

I don't have the courage to walk up to her, go close for she can't hear very well, and say sorry.
I know it would make her happy if I spoke to her. I know she would find peace if I did.
I don't know why I wont.
---------------------------------
I need to learn grammar of
English.
Cinema.
Life.
----------------------------------
Are mothers really that attached to their sons?

And this is how i stay sane

Binged again at Landmark. 
I outdid my previous outings and bought 17 books this time. 
Not to mention the six I bought yesterday. 


I think I know what the problem is.
I have money to spend. And I have no life.
Plus I think I am subconsciously satisfying my urge to possess. 


Anyway, 


I bought the following books yesterday. 


American Born Chinese - Gene Leun Yang - My library has a paperback which I had borrowed and read, but this hardcover feels nice in my hands. It is a multi layered story about trying to fit in. It has a Monkey King who wants to be taken seriously as a god, a Chinese boy who is trying to fit in to his new school in the USA... 

Notes for a War Story - Gipi - Wow, Such lovely watercoloured panels. Its by an Italian Artist known as Gipi, about the lives of three boys in a war torn country in Europe.

Bloomsbury Good Reading Guide - It was 99 bucks and I thought it would make a nice companion for the year ahead. 


Astro Boy - Osamu Tezuka - Finally I have something by the genius. It's a small book and I think it covers about two episodes in the super long, extremely famous series. 


Arzee the Dwarf - Chandrahas Choudhury - I had ordered a copy from flipkart but it's not with me anymore and I wanted to read the book so I picked this up at 99 bucks. It's about a short man who works in a cinema theatre. I think it will be a good read. 


Anthropology: 101 True Love Stories - Dan Rhodes - this caught my eye and is turning out to be a nice read. It has 101 stories with each having exactly 101 words. They are fictional stories from the point of view of a guy. There are a lot of girlfriends with strange and quirky names and some of them are hilarious. 


Try this one for example. 

As part of the getting-to-know-me process, Nightjar told me all about her ex-boyfriends. She went through her shoe box full of photographs. 'His penis was much bigger than yours,' she would say, 'but he had bad breath.' Or, 'He was quite old but he could still go all night.' When, at last, she had finished, she asked me about my romantic history. I told her I had been waiting all my life for that special someone, and how glad I was now I had finally found her. 'Ah, I see.' She rolled her eyes.
'You're one of those.'


I laughed so hard after reading that. I think this one's a keeper.


So all those I bought yesterday. 


And these I bought today. 


Yarns and Shanties (And Other Nautical Baloney): The Twelfth Sherman's Lagoon Collection - Jim Toomey
Sharks Just Wanna Have Fun: The Thirteenth Sherman's Lagoon Collection - Jim Toomey

These two books are collections of comic strips about "the misadventures of an overweight, lazy Great White shark named Sherman, his controlling, hot-tempered wife Megan, and the friends and foes they share their tropical home with." 


They were 49 bucks a piece. 


Beware in the Graveyard - Satyajit Ray's Feluda mysteries in graphic novel format. 49 bucks, and I thought this might be interesting. 


Rude, Crude & Tattooed - Zits Sketchbook - Jerry Scott, Jim Borgman. - This is again a comic strip collection. I love Zits! It is hilarious. About a teenage boy Duncan and his friends and family. It's sort of like a grown up Calvin & Hobbes. 

Thats just a sampling of what Zits is about. Go read it online. There are truckloads of it archived everywhere. 
49 bucks again. 


Klezmer: Tales of the Wild East - Joann Sfar - This was the most expensive buy of the day @ 249. I always wanted to read/own something by this guy. He is supposed to be one of the biggest French Comic Artist today. This one is about Jews during the War.

Lie - A traditional tale of Modern India - Gautam Bhatia - Indian Graphic Novel. @ 99 bucks. Had to get it, didn't I?

Forge - A CrossGen Anthology. NO idea what this is about. It came for 49 bucks and looks super colorful. 

Commando - 3 in 1. For action and Adventure. -Again at 49 bucks, I had to get myself this comic for its very mention makes Bala and Chinni go nostalgic. I think a lot of people grew up reading Commando. Did you?

Strangers In Paradise - Treasury Edition - Terry Moore. - Oh this is special! So Strangers in Paradise is a b/w comic about these two girls, women actually, Francine and Katchoo and their friend David Qin. It explores the complex relationship between the two. And this treasury edition is simply gorgeous. Rs.199

Britten and Brülightly - Hannah Berry - Turned out to be the discovery of the day. It's a murder mystery and it looks so mindblowingly beautiful. Rs.199

The Little Man: Short Strips 1980-1995 - Chester Brown. I simply had to buy this one. I am sure very few know/remember this little piece of trivia. This blog got its name from one of my favourite graphic novels by Chester Brown, I Never Liked You. And this book is a collection of his short pieces. Aaaah. I can't believe I own a  Chester Brown! @ Rs.199

Superspy - Matt Kindt - this is again a super buy. "Super Spy is 52 interwoven short stories about cyanide, pen-guns, heartbreak and betrayal. Each story follows the life of a spy during World War II. Spanning the globe from Spain to France and Germany, this book takes the reader on a tour of the everyday life of the spy." @ Rs.199

Animal's People - Indra Sinha. I bought this book because it said Shortlisted for Man-Booker Prize in 2007, and it came for all of Rs.49. It is a work of fiction set in the backdrop of Bhopal Gas Tragedy. (ha. I can't help snigger everytime i say gas. :-( Sigh...) 


Sin City - Hard Goodbye - Frank Miller - Rs.199 and I pounced on it. 


Eisner/Miller - So these two guys, legends in their own right, Will Eisner, and Frank Miller met up for a conversation over a long weekend and spoke about comics. And this book is sort of like a recording of their conversations. Intrigue made me buy it. And the price tag - Rs.199.


Wimbledon Green - Seth - Can't believe it. This is my second Seth! And Wimbledon Green is about a comic book collector told from various perspectives and many different formats. Rs.199 

Push Man & Other Stories - Yoshihiro Tatsumi - 

I teared up a little bit when I found this book on sale. It was such a surreal moment. I still can't believe that I have been reading comics for about 3 years and all of them downloaded from the internet... and suddenly I am the proud owner of a lot of comic books. And some of my favourites too. 
It feels strange. And very unreal. 
If you had to wake me up and tell me it was all a dream, I have just one request to you. 
Please tell me I have been dreaming 
for 
over 
three months. 

notes to myself 15

the future and the past merge, seamlessly. 
I am sad and I am hopeful, at the same time.


I am also drunk.




It is a strange feeling, to experience the moment, where the thoughts of the long gone past encounters the hopes for the future within seconds of each other.
We live in hope. We live in the past. We live with our misgivings, and ourselves.
We live with the scents that we produce, with the stink in our feet and our underarms.
We live in our clothes that we put for wash the next day, or sometime soon.
We live within ourselves, our thoughts and hopes merging, into one simple amalgamation.
A+B.


We live, cheating ourselves, selling out on beliefs, selling out on our little principles which we form during brief moments of heightened sobriety.


We are who we are, without rules, without our guiding lights, in darkness, in our hearts.


We put them out to dry, our hearts,
hoping that someone would notice how well fleshed out they are.


We put them out on the line, "manjaa" laden strings, which carry them as far as we would let them,
defensive, yet optimistic, that some new kite would want to play, a "deal", with this new, yet unknown free bird.


We hope that our past isn't too obvious, isn't too noticeable, isn't how we are judged.


We hope that someone would be up for it.


We live in hope, and die in regret.

Notes to myself 14

I used to write a blog called Our Lonely Lives during my depression era (now famously known as my disappearing act). I had become a recluse at that point, spending all my waking hours either in the company of my PC or with my good friend, Loneliness. 


So this Our Lonely Lives, it was a wordpress blog and at that time I was too conceited that I had to keep it locked and password protected. Only I could read what was written in it. I had spewed venom and spilt all my hatred towards life and those surrounding me. I remember rereading it at a later point and thinking I had hit rock bottom and I would never get there again.


Ha.


I bumped into my good friend, Mr.L (Loneliness, for the uninitiated) quite recently and it was as if we had never parted ways. We spent a lot of time bringing each other up to date. We even managed to talk about the good ol days when there was just us and nobody else around at Somasundaram. 


He proposed an interesting theory though. That my best work happened in his company. He said that almost all my "profound" ideas and thoughts and all my favourite stories came to me during my long affair with him.
And as I thought about it, I couldn't help but agree!


With his help I came up with my Matchbox Thieves; He made me think of the middle aged man who gets a chance to meet his favourite heroine; He was instrumental in my puppeteer hero contemplating rescuing his wife sitting in a cinema theater; he witnessed me come up with my trilogy on cinema.

His presence boosted my vocabulary. He gave me my detached vision, with which I could see the world as myself and as him. 




Mr.L!
You are back.
I am looking forward to your sojourn. 
------------------------------------------
Today's conversation with Geetha @ Hippo


Me- Hi, eppdi irrukeenga. 
Geetha - Hi N, epdi irukeenga! pathu romba naal achu. 
Me- Aaan. I am doing good. 
Geetha (with a glint in her eye and a knowing smile) - Ria madam epdi irukkaanga!


--------------------------
I finally got loads of money in my account.
And I will be getting more. 
Lots more. 

------------------------------------------
A rebellion is brewing within him. Thambi, be patient. Your turn is around the corner. You will get your break. Everything will work out in your favour soon.


I sympathise with him though.
I am not even half as deep a shit as him and I cause/caused way more trouble. 
------------------------------------------
Ashok Nagar. 

notes to myself 13

Seems like everyone around me is offering the same solution to my predicament. 

WORK
YOUR
ASS
OFF


And that seems to be the only sensible thing to do. 


And today, Vgoo said, "you can choose today to not have a social life and work long hours. You are at a point where you can decide and do it. I mean, if you have nothing better to do, why not just keep working?"


Which is what he does.
Which is what songi does. 
Which is what Ashwin does.

Which is what my prof does. 


Which is what I need to do too. 


I have been living fairly luxuriously, working 8-9 hours a day, 5 days a week and taking the day off on festivals, national holidays, common colds, headaches, heartaches etc. 


I have spent way too much time thinking about issues in life, brooding on it, wallowing in self pity, remorse, guilt, depression etc. 


I have a year ahead where my company depends solely on me and my performance. I can make it big or not. I can prove myself or not. I can make lots of money or not. I can be successful or not.
It is entirely in my hands. 



It is a good feeling to know that I have a shot and just one shot to make a difference.



I am going for it.
----------------------------------


I think one of the most sensible things I did in life was surrounding myself with lots of level headed, sober people. I am so glad that I have people who offer me sanity when I need it instead of alcohol or weed. (Sure, these people can get me that too. And they have when I have needed that.) 
It is a great feeling to know that I have people with me who are extremely focused in life, who are aware of what they really want and are working towards it, day in and day out. 

There are no pretenses at all. These people aren't saying they want to get somewhere in life while wasting away with intoxicants and idiots. Sure, they have their share of fun. Unlike me, they fix a time and place for fun and don't mix the two. 


I am thankful to them for being there for me. 


I used to be like that at one point. 


I think I will get there soon. 
--------------------------------------


I think I had regressed a lot in the last two months. In thoughts and in action. I had spoken and written stuff that I would not have as my normal self. 


I am sorry if I hurt your feelings. 
I am sorry for stooping to all time lows while speculating about your personal lives. 
I am sorry for misinterpreting your genuine concern as judgmental talk. 
And most of all, I am sorry for my jealousy and envy and pride. 


I said and wrote a lot of things when I was off balance, tottering, struggling to regain my balance after the carpet was yanked off from under me. I am sorry for everything that happened.


I really am. 


I think I have regained my senses. 
And you will not find me ranting too much anymore.

The drama is over. For now. 
-----------------------------------


It's going to be called Multi Story Pvt Ltd. 


And it is going to be my show. 

Lessons in forgetting 1

Always begins after the loss is complete, the remembering. 

- Rohinton Mistry, 

Such a Long Journey. 

notes to myself 12

I got back this morning.
And as my foot touched the floor in Chennai Central, I was hit by an overwhelming sense of reality.

Kotagiri was almost dream-like. I was surrounded by wonderful children, full of love and affection.
I stood on a terrace and watch the clouds float past the most breathtaking view I have ever had the chance to set eyes on.

Four days of no pressure. no worries. and surprisingly no tears.

And then I got back to Chennai.

I was reminded of everything I had left behind the minute I got out of the station.

A drop of tear rolled down my face.

I felt feverish. 

-------------------------------------------

I came home and slept, fitfully between dreams. 

In the one I remember, I was sitting in a theatre where they were showing a live football match. I think Barcelona was playing. And Arjun was sitting next to me. We were sitting right up front. And I get up to go to the restroom and I walk all the way back and I see her in the theatre. She is sitting and watching the match too. She has a nice bag in her lap.

I freeze. She doesn't see me. I run back to my seat, feeling strange and confused. I keep looking back. I compose myself and decide to go back for her. I walk up to the row where I saw her and she isn't there any more.

I get scared. I search frantically. I can only see a few people from the Kotagiri trip sitting in the next row. And they don't seem to recognize me. 

I woke up in a panic. 

-------------------------------------

I sent a mail from futureme.org.

I am confident. I have hope. 

I am ready. 

-----------------------------------------

About Survival

On my way back, there were thousands of cockroaches in my compartment.
I tossed and turned and every time I opened my eyes,
I could see one scampering away quickly, purposefully.
In all shapes and sizes.
All over the wall, the berth, on my bags.
I squashed a few with my book and threw them away.
They landed on the floor and quickly ran away.

about love

"I love you", it says, 
to no one in particular. 
It takes me by surprise 
as I roll over to my left. 
It's scribbled in violet, 
with a circle around it, 
to the side of my berth. 
These words, as I type them out, 
are dedicated to you, 
whoever you are. 
Your words give me hope, 
whoever it was meant for. 
I smile, lost in distant memories. 
I will spread the message, 
on your behalf. 


I love you. 


I love you. 


I love you.

Notes to myself 11

I was at Chepauk last night. 

Somerset vs Mumbai Indians.

We walked in twenty minutes into the game because buay saw on tv that the stadium was practically empty and that we could easily get tickets. It was a fairly good match except there wasn't too many people to root for and the spirit was just not there. Nonetheless, it was the best I could do on a saturday night without trying to drown myself in a bottle. 

So we are sitting at the match and I spotted this couple sitting a few rows ahead of us.
The seats were empty so I could hear their their conversations. 

The guy must've been about 27-28, definitely a cricket enthusiast. He kept walking off to the front of the stands to get a closer look at the proceedings in the field. The girl, his wife ( I could see the mangalsutra and her metti) was about the same age and she wasn't interested in the match at all. She had the prettiest ear rings in all of chepauk - these big flower shaped ones which often cast colorful shadows on her neck whenever she turned to talk to him.
All through the first half of the match I could here her saying "vaanga polaaam. Enakku bore adikkudhu! Please... " and she even managed to generate these fake tears every once in a while with a big smile on her lips. She was always speaking in a childish tone, in a coy, coquettish kinda way. And the guy simply ignored her and continued to watch the match. He walked off atleast four five times, once to get some food which he polished off mostly by himself, and then in the pretext of going to the loo or getting water or some such thing. On all these occasions he quietly walked to the front of the stands and stood amidst the crowds to watch the match, while his wife sat behind with a bored look on her face. And every time he walked back she would get excited and ask him if they could leave. And somehow he convinced her to stay. 

Apart from the match, he spent a lot of time on his blackberry. He was either talking to someone or typing something furiously. 

I kept glancing at this girl wondering what was going on in her head. She seemed to be pretty calm, and relaxed except for her weak requests to leave.

And the first half ended with Mumbai Indians putting up a traget of 161 for the Somerset boys to chase.
And the second half began and Malinga got two beautiful wickets in his first spell. Stumps went flying, and suddenly this girl, she jumped up and cheered. It was so uncharacteristic of her. She became very excited and was holding this guy's hands and grinning from end to end. She even said something like, "See, i told you he will get the wickets!" 

And then the match went on without anything exciting happening for a while. The guy had by then settled down in his seat with his blackberry in his hand and the girl was leaning on his shoulders and trying to doze off. She must've been talking to him quietly into his ears. He put his hands around her and I could see that they were both very comfortable and just like that they had become a perfectly happy couple.

Somerset were doing well for a while but the last four overs changed the game and Mumbai Indians ended up with an easy victory.

And then we left and as I walked away I could see that they were actually a very happy couple. 

The two stayed in my mind for a while after we had left. 

One, I realised I was jealous of them. I was jealous of the guy. (aside - I have suddenly become this super jealous character who envies everyone and everything these days. It seems to come so naturally to me. I remember a lot of occasions where i had suppressed it, thanks to some misplaced sense of "gentlemanliness", and it has only backfired on me.) 

Two, I realised that inspite of everything, there is some sort of a commitment that transcends the trivialities of everyday life. It's not just these two, there are a few others I know too, who like different things in life, who want to be in different places, who are so busy with work that they hardly get time to spend with each other, who spend more time staring at a computer or with their bosses than with their loved ones, still take that extra effort to be with their loved ones even if it is just for a few hours. It may not be a lot of time, it may not even be quality time, but they are willing to compromise everything else for those few hours. 

And are happy together. 

I know married couples who spend as little as a few hours every week together. I have seen people who hardly talk to each other on the phone during the day and by the time they reach home, they are too tired to even talk for long that they simply doze off in each other's arms. These people take that little extra effort to spend some quality time with each other. Even if it means missing out on an office party or some well deserved weekend sleep.  

It amazes me how they manage so well.
 But then I suppose this kind of effort comes naturally for those with that kind of maturity and commitment. 

I suppose it is unconditional love that keeps these people together.

This is also a lesson in time management.

Lesson learnt. 

-------------------------

I am off to Kotagiri tonight.
I will be there for four days and I will get to interact with a lot of kids. I am doing a small theatre workshop for 12-15 year olds and conducting a few story telling sessions for children between classes 1-5.

I am looking forward to this. It will be exciting.

---------------------

That is ofcourse the only respite in an otherwise difficult phase of my life. 

It is two fold. 

1) there is this insane amount of pressure at work. There are a million things to be done. I am doing everything by myself. And anything I do has a direct impact on my life and on the future of the company. And I am working alone. (If you know me, you know what happens when i am left alone) I have to put together a team soon. A team of 8-10 people. And I will be responsible for them too. Suddenly I have been thrown into something big. It scares the living daylights out of me.

2) then there are my parents. Not a day goes without my mum or dad asking me to get a "real" job - a "steady" one in a Bank or in a "big" company. And not an hour passes by without my dad or mum taking a jibe at what I do. "I had great hopes that you would be studying airplanes or something great. And here you are sitting and reading children's books" or try this one "You are an idiot, a tharuthalai (gone astray) what will you teach the kids? You will be a bad influence on them" and "How are you qualified to be teaching others when you have no qualifications to be of any use on earth". But then, I am glad they still let me live with them and they are generally kind to me and show a lot of concern. Its just unfortunate that they channelize their concern this way. 

------------------------------- 

I missed this fantastic opportunity to take out all my frustrations in life. A few hours back, I was caught by cops at the adyar depot signal. That's the fifth time in the last 15 days. I have already paid fine thrice, tried playing with their "fine" printing device, and made friends with a few cops. And I got caught again today. For the same reason - No helmet.
I started with "saar, naan naethu dhaan fine kattinaen. please give me a few days time to buy a new helmet"

And then he was like "that's okay. I don't want you to pay any fine. I want you to swear at this other guy we caught who is talking a lot of bullshit" 

WTF? And I get down and go to the corner where everyone was standing and this fello, seemed my age, not from Chennai, seemed to be an IT kinda guy, and he was driving a fancy new bike. He had been caught for not wearing a helmet and he was complaining loudly about how the cops are being unfair and had caught only him while there were a lot of others who had been let go. 

The cop told me that he was pointing at old men and ladies on bikes who weren't wearing helmets and asking them to stop so that they could pay the fine too. 

I wasn't particularly interested in either what the cop had to say nor this guy but for some reason he thought I would sympathise with him. He started off with "see, when government lays new rules it should be uniform and unbiased. These cops are being unfair to me!"
I simply took out my wallet, showed the receipt for the fine I had paid two days back and left.

Then the cop came to me and said, "enna saar neenga. vandhu naalu thittu thittitu povenganu nenachaen. Rendu arai vutturundha kooda thappila. Semma mokkaiya engakittiye rules pesaraan"
(What saar, I was hoping you would swear at him or atleast give him two tight slaps. He is talking too much rules to us) 

I wasn't in the mood to get angry or worked up. I just laughed and said "make him pay the fine and let him go sir." 

I drove on and reached Gandhi Nagar. I then realised that I had missed a golden chance to take out everything on him. 

"You stupid motherfucker. Life is absolutely unfair. You can't be talking rules when you haven't obeyed them yourself. You are earning truckloads and drive a fancy new bike and if you can't buy a helmet for your head I hope you get crushed under a lorry and die. Here I am driving a shitty Kinetic Honda that is probably cheaper than the cost of two helmets. I once owned a helmet which was stolen from me by someone I had trusted and employed. I haven't got my salary in two months. I have exactly a thousand bucks in my pocket that I have to survive with for the rest of this month. I am running around trying to make a living and I pay my fines whenever I am under fault. So yes, Life is fucking unfair. please shut the fuck up and pay your fine and leave." 

----------------------

So yes, I had that one chance, and I blew it. I could have probably got him worked up, started a fight and beat the crap out of him and the cops would have been on my side. 

They don't come often, these awesome opportunities.  

-----------------------

I get very tired these days. I hardly sleep well at nights. I am always tossing and turning. There is too much running on my mind and It is very taxing. 

I wish I could simply stop everything and just run away from it all.

But I don't want to do that.
I don't want to give up, however tiring things get. 

I have done that in the past, when I gave up on something because i was very tired. I have given up and quit a lot of things where I should have simply grit my teeth and persevered, or changed my strategy or simply spoken things out. But I quit, I walked out. I gave up on a lot of things. 

I have regretted it later. I have felt absolutely miserable. I have spent days and weeks feeling bad about it and wallowing in misery, and guilt which slowly turns into self pity. And I have hit the bottle, or smoked like a chimney trying to get over it.

I don't want to do that again.
I won't quit.
I don't want to give up easily.

So the next time I complain to you saying I am tired and that I want to run away or some such thing, simply slap me across the face and remind me that I should never quit. Ok?