What do I write today?
That I felt like an adolescent falling first time in love while watching Dhanush in Aadukalam especially the euphoria he captures so well in otha sollaala and yathe yathe?
That I can't stand too see my grandmum die day by day, trying to shit through a hole in a plastic chair with a bucket under it to collect her trickling feces?
That I can't believe that inspite of her repeated "I want to go away without troubling anyone" she is actually unable to fight back or let go and needs to be taken care of like a baby?
That I am simultaneously disappointed and enlightened at the ease and anxiety with which her sons and daughters are waiting to see her kick the bucket?
That I am amazed at the strength and will power of her 91 year old husband who is doing everything he can to make it last?
That I am trying hard to convince people to cut down on the budget of the bachelor's party that we are planning to throw for ashwin who is probably going to get drunk too soon and pass out?
That I need to pay a visit to the doctor to get that little thing growing out of my anus checked?
That I am looking at every possible interaction with a member of the opposite sex as if I need to remember it to tell my grandchildren that I am going to have with her, "hey so thats the first thing I told your grandma and she was floored by it" or "she thought I was a total jerk at our first meeting"?
That I can't believe that I forgot how hard I tried to be detached throughout my longest relationship only to realise later that I wasn't so detached after all?
That I am not really focused or that I am not really putting in my 100% into what I believe to be my only decent chance at doing something worthwhile?
That I realised I might actually be good at a lot of things which I thought I sucked at, like making a good first impression, planning work, getting work done by others etc?
That I am looking forward to my first newspaper interview more because I think I might actually try to flirt with the interviewer than the fact that it is my first interview?
That I am actually going to give a talk in the insti to a bunch of MA final year students and I am super confident that I am going to be remembered for it by those who will attend it?
That I urge to possess is greater than the urge to appreciate what I possess?
That I would much rather buy books and smell them rather than sit down and read them?
That I have realised that I want to write for a living but I simply can't even if my life depended on it?
That I am so conflicted that I am starting to wonder what my so called fundamental beliefs are?
That sometimes I wonder if I might actually be a Fire sign instead of a Water sign knowing fully well that neither means shit?
That I like to imagine what life would be like if I ended up spending the rest of my life thinking about what the rest of my life would be?
That I am often surprised and shocked at the effort and energy people put into things that mean more to me than to them?
That I am usually unappreciative of such effort, be it in the form of love, affection, time, energy, work, kindness etc?
That I am so much like my dad and mum in expressing love, that takes on the form of "I will do a,b,c,d things to make sure your life runs smoothly while you need to do e,f,g,h things to make sure mine is equally good"?
That I keep hoping to see a familiar face in the latest mms clips that I watch often?
That I would much rather watch life than live it?
That I actually believe I am going to pop off very soon, by 2015?
That I don't actually feel like waking up in the morning fresh and energetic and getting started with work even though this is the closest I have ever gotten to loving what I do?
That I keep telling myself I don't care who reads these rants of mine while I secretly hope that someone would be mighty impressed and fall madly in love with me and change their thoughts and opinions based on these rants?
That I ended up writing way more than I thought I would?
That I am going to stop writing these posts because I don't feel like anymore?
That I felt like an adolescent falling first time in love while watching Dhanush in Aadukalam especially the euphoria he captures so well in otha sollaala and yathe yathe?
That I can't stand too see my grandmum die day by day, trying to shit through a hole in a plastic chair with a bucket under it to collect her trickling feces?
That I can't believe that inspite of her repeated "I want to go away without troubling anyone" she is actually unable to fight back or let go and needs to be taken care of like a baby?
That I am simultaneously disappointed and enlightened at the ease and anxiety with which her sons and daughters are waiting to see her kick the bucket?
That I am amazed at the strength and will power of her 91 year old husband who is doing everything he can to make it last?
That I am trying hard to convince people to cut down on the budget of the bachelor's party that we are planning to throw for ashwin who is probably going to get drunk too soon and pass out?
That I need to pay a visit to the doctor to get that little thing growing out of my anus checked?
That I am looking at every possible interaction with a member of the opposite sex as if I need to remember it to tell my grandchildren that I am going to have with her, "hey so thats the first thing I told your grandma and she was floored by it" or "she thought I was a total jerk at our first meeting"?
That I can't believe that I forgot how hard I tried to be detached throughout my longest relationship only to realise later that I wasn't so detached after all?
That I am not really focused or that I am not really putting in my 100% into what I believe to be my only decent chance at doing something worthwhile?
That I realised I might actually be good at a lot of things which I thought I sucked at, like making a good first impression, planning work, getting work done by others etc?
That I am looking forward to my first newspaper interview more because I think I might actually try to flirt with the interviewer than the fact that it is my first interview?
That I am actually going to give a talk in the insti to a bunch of MA final year students and I am super confident that I am going to be remembered for it by those who will attend it?
That I urge to possess is greater than the urge to appreciate what I possess?
That I would much rather buy books and smell them rather than sit down and read them?
That I have realised that I want to write for a living but I simply can't even if my life depended on it?
That I am so conflicted that I am starting to wonder what my so called fundamental beliefs are?
That sometimes I wonder if I might actually be a Fire sign instead of a Water sign knowing fully well that neither means shit?
That I like to imagine what life would be like if I ended up spending the rest of my life thinking about what the rest of my life would be?
That I am often surprised and shocked at the effort and energy people put into things that mean more to me than to them?
That I am usually unappreciative of such effort, be it in the form of love, affection, time, energy, work, kindness etc?
That I am so much like my dad and mum in expressing love, that takes on the form of "I will do a,b,c,d things to make sure your life runs smoothly while you need to do e,f,g,h things to make sure mine is equally good"?
That I keep hoping to see a familiar face in the latest mms clips that I watch often?
That I would much rather watch life than live it?
That I actually believe I am going to pop off very soon, by 2015?
That I don't actually feel like waking up in the morning fresh and energetic and getting started with work even though this is the closest I have ever gotten to loving what I do?
That I keep telling myself I don't care who reads these rants of mine while I secretly hope that someone would be mighty impressed and fall madly in love with me and change their thoughts and opinions based on these rants?
That I ended up writing way more than I thought I would?
That I am going to stop writing these posts because I don't feel like anymore?
2 comments:
I can say ditto to about 70% of this :P
Ah! My only reader. :)
You should also make such lists and post them somewhere so that I can comment too!
How am I supposed to know which 70% you are talking about?!
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