My dad is Zen

I have spent a lot of time trying to read about being Zen and detachment and all that jazz. 
http://zenhabits.net/zen-attachment/ that article has been open in one of my tabs since August.
Always open.
I glance at it everyday just to see if any of it makes sense, to see if I can be Zen too by practicing some of the things it talks about. Do read it sometime. It is thought provoking. 


And the more i read it the more i realise that it takes a lot of effort to be Zen. Some of it sounds brilliant on paper but nearly impossible to implement in real life. And the more I read it the more I realise I have someone around me who practices it on a daily basis without giving a damn about the difference between the philosophy and the car. 
My dad is Zen.


He is! I kid you not. 
He is totally Zen.
And the best part is
he doesn't know it. 


I can't believe I am actually going to type the last sentence of this blog. I have spent hours, days and years vehemently fighting it, protesting, kicking and screaming against the very notion. I have debated long and hard (don't go thats what she said on me now, I am actually typing something very serious! Oh god, I can't help it. That's what she said!!!) with people around about parent child relationships and how they have such a great influence in our lives and all that. I have struggled to accept the fact that my parents have shaped my life in more ways than I would like to accept in public. But then that was before, when I was a rebellious, hot blooded, testosterone influenced youngster, who had to take the other side just for the heck of it, who had to argue because I liked a good debate, and went so far as to believe in the sides I took even though I sometimes realised that I wasn't always right. Now, I am older, with a slightly broader perspective on life, having encountered my share of deaths and defeats and defenselessness. 
Okay here I go, and I will never be able to say it out loud, never be able to admit this to anyone anywhere inebriated or otherwise, never admit in court or elsewhere that it was me who typed this out, in my senses, in a state of mind that would be considered normal by society standards. 




 
I wish I could be like my dad. 

This is the end, This is the beginning.

...I like you. I want to date you. I am attracted to you. I think yo are a beautiful person. I want to be with you. I want to make love to you. I want to be able to possess you and belong to you. I want to hold hands with you and walk miles. I want to cuddle up with you and watch corny movies.
I want to have endless conversations with you. I want to look you in the eye, say I love you and mean it. I want all of that. Now now. Not today. In due course of time. 

The dance

He
Takes a deep breath,
Unfurls his wonderful plumage,
Showcases his full splendour,
Jumps around on his two scrawny legs,
Weaves strange mesmerizing patterns,
Not stopping till he finds a mate.




The hunt has begun. 

Diminished to an Excuse

How did this happen?


You were a living breathing soul, 
full of yearnings, 
and unfulfilled desires,
with wants and dreams
both mundane and fantastic.
Never missed your serials, 
Always made everyone comfortable, 
Forever concerned about 
everyone's well being.
Curious like a child,
wanted to know everything
that happened around you. 


And just like that
you shrank within yourself
pushed out the dreams
shooed away the desires
severed connections
breathed your last
turned into ashes
disappeared 
into the raging waters, 
diminished to an excuse.



A feast every day in your name
Pavakka pitla, Kathrikka kootu, vazhaikka podimas, paal payasam
Poshnikka sambar, beans poriyal, chowchow kootu, semiya paysam
mor kozhambu, koas poriyal, vellai pooshnikka kootu, kadala pradhaman
vendakka pitla, many vegetable poriyal, porichakootu, kesari
capsicum sambar, urulai curry, aviyal, rice payasam.

"Sorry, I couldn't meet you last week, my paati passed away so I had to be at home"

How did this happen?

borrowed from xkcd...

The cement garden

"there!" she said, "wasn't that a lovely sleep."




























































Such a gripping read it was. 
The way the four children cope with the loss of their parents... 
It's not everyday you come across a book that portrays vividly a crumbling suburban family of four children and  their ordinary lives with an extraordinary eye for detail. 
They jump out of the pages and walk around you, in flesh and blood, and the tension is so thick in the air that a stray sharp breath shatters the silence.
The boys puzzle you with their experiments, the girls catch you off guard with their swift back and forth transitions from responsible adults to giggling adolescents. 
The last few pages startle you, shake you out of your skin, leave you gasping for breath, staring at nothingness.


Where do I go from here?
Anything I pick up next will pale in comparison.
The soft sweet smell of paper lingers on long after I put down the book. 


This has to be a rare haunting read. 

The Conversations

Lots of calls, from all around the city and from outside as well. 
Mostly women, married, with children who want to do their little bit. 
Lots of repetition, spelling out my email and telling them the one liners about the company.
I haven't had so many one on one conversations in a single day. 


I must admit that I was surprised by some of the people who spoke. 




And I think I have about 10 potential team members. 
And three schools. 
And loads of kind hearts


who like what we do.
who have immense faith in us. 
and who believe we are doing something great. 


And...
here is the best part. 


My dad.
My mum.


They are happy. 




Ha!

About a boy, a girl and a man.

Kamal Hassan must be a fun guy to hang out with.
He is smart, charming, knows lots of stuff, and has a great sense of humour.

I met him.

--------------------------------------
And first pangs of love kick in for the man.
He misses her like crazy.
His minutes crawl like years in eager anticipation of an sms or a call.

She is out of the country on a vacation that is stressing her out
because she is away from him.
She spends 4k on international roaming calls every day.

He admits that he hasn't felt like this every before.
He realises that this could be a big turning point in his life.

She is madly in love with him.
She is ready to throw everything away to come be with him
this very instant.

He jokes most of the time but in reality he
can't
be
without
her
for
long.


She is
truly
madly
deeply
in
love.

And they are getting married in February.
------------------------------------------------

Alas, I wish I could be like that, just for a few hours.
The innocence of first love.
The storm it stirs up within. 
The obsession.
The passion.

-----------------------------------------------

the talk

Was attended by a massive crowd of 25 people.
It was well received by yawns and walk outs.
And it was quite short, just over an hour long.

But...

Unfortunately, I have convinced people to work with me.
Now I don't know what to do.

:'-(

Sid's paati passed away today.


Why are we going through tough times?

I remember you used to sing me this lullaby when i was very little...


I remember the kindness in your voice. 
I remember the pathos.

I know you cared the most for me of all your grandchildren.
Because you thought I was special. 
Because you strongly believed that I was a blessing from your favourite gods, a boon for your prayers and all the payasam you made and gave the children in your streets. 


I didn't treat you like you were special to me. 
You were just an old annoying lady who interfered too much with my life. 
I matched every act of kindness with an equal act of scorn.
I matched your every word of concern with equal disdain.


I wish I could have said sorry for being rude and silent all these years. 


I did feel sorry. 
But I never had the courage to look you in the eye. 
I was too proud to admit that I was wrong.
too proud to say it. 




It was too difficult to see you so weak and shrunk.
Just yesterday I came to your room and stood behind you.
I wanted to tell you everything will be alright.
I just couldn't get myself to do that. 
You were not aware of my presence.
You were in pain.
Waiting for your time
to go.






I can still hear your voice when i think very hard and try to remember. 


I wish I could sing this for you. Just once. 




Hallula Hai… hai hai hai apadalu kaayi
Kurra vaandranu kayi sriranga sayi
Kurra vaandranu kaayi sriranga sayi… 
Pedda vaandranu gayi perugala thandri 


Kanchikipoyeti gaajula setti
Kanchi kaamakshamma yevaraadapaduchu
Sivakanchi yelina sivuniki bharya
Vishu kanchelina vishnuvu chellelu 


Yevoori vaadavo yevadavaadivo
Mayintikochhavu maababu neevu
Aavooru eevooru anniyu tirigenu
Maababu chadivenu mamanchi chaduvu 


Chadivina chaduvulu andaru meccheru
Mechi mechi manchi bahumatulu iccheryu
Vachina bahumatulu anniyu choochenu
Maa manchi alludani maama pogidenu 


Chichose kukkaku siggela lede
Chinni maa advaitku nidarela raade 
Andaari maamalu chandamaamalu
Maa abbayi maamalu rama lakshmanulu 


Chinnariponnari chalakave nuvvu
Gunnamaami meedi panjarapu chiluka
Chilakamma chelaregi chintakommekkenu
maabaabu chelaregi maama bhujamekkenu 


yedavaku yedavaku verri na tandri
yediste nee kalla neelalugaaru
neelalu kaarite ne choodalenu
palaina kaarave pasibabu kanula


achhamma buchhamma adilacchamma
sri venkatesuniki yendare satulu
acchamma bucchamma adilachamma
andarilo chakkanidi alamelu manga 

And she is no more.



Rest in peace, dear Krishnaveni.
(1928 -2011)







:-(

goodnight, and good luck

hmm... who would have thought that good conversations can be waiting around the corner to take me by surprise and make me happy? :)


----------------------------
And the landmark sale came to an end and I went there thrice in the last two weeks.
I went there today and bought another 16 books.
You won't believe what happened there. The guy at the counter gave me everything for half the price after the discount! That meant books that had 199 written on them were billed for 99 and those with 99 were billed for 49!
And on top of that the fello gave me a 200 buck discount for no reason. 
Shit. 
I can't believe that actually happened.

October -Nov 2011 is the first time I ended up spending over 10k on myself.
And almost all of it was on books. 
Happiness. 




-------------------------------


Big week this.
I have a talk and a storytelling session lined up at the end of the week.
I am totally looking forward to it.


-------------------------------


Back to work tomorrow. I hope great progress is made this week. Wish me luck. 

Our changing lives

It wasn't what I had expected at all.
She was a pleasant surprise.
A woman after my own heart.
She reads books like there is no tomorrow. 
We even like the same authors and books and quotes and words.
A little reserved to begin with but we couldn't stop talking once we got started about books.
She is comfortably single.
With a tinge of regret on not having lived outside home. 
Her dad is her life.
She likes her work.
She goes for Yoga classes. 
"Whatever works", works for her. 
Such uncanny similarity. 


Our comfortably lonely lives.


I will have to work hard to make a space for myself in hers.
I am not going to do it. 


And that has pretty much been the case in so many people I have met in the recent past. 
Irrespective of gender.
Everyone's got something going for themselves. Everyone's happy in their own little worlds.
Nobody seems to be ready to experiment. Ready to try out something new. 
Nobody wants their routine disrupted.
Nobody likes change.


And I am not saying that with regret or longing or anything.
It is simply an observation.
Maybe because I am in a turbulent, evolving phase of my life, I find it a little strange that people my age are happy with things around. They few I know rarely seem to try out new things, they really don't want to get to know new people, don't want to visit new places.

Why is that the case?


I mean, I can understand the reluctance my mum shows whenever I try dragging her to a new restaurant or make her play a new game on my comp... But people my age?




And then, every once in a while these changes happen and take me by surprise.
The walk out by her.
The marathon by thambi.
The romantic side of buay. 
The angst that surfaced in me. 


I talk as if I am always evolving and changing. I was the most comfortable man you could have found four months back. My world revolved around 2nd main road, gandhi nagar & mandaveli and insti.




Our changing lives.

Notes to myself (don't care about the numbers anymore)

What do I write today?
That I felt like an adolescent falling first time in love while watching Dhanush in Aadukalam especially the euphoria he captures so well in otha sollaala and yathe yathe?
That I can't stand too see my grandmum die day by day, trying to shit through a hole in a plastic chair with a bucket under it to collect her trickling feces?
That I can't believe that inspite of her repeated "I want to go away without troubling anyone" she is actually unable to fight back or let go and needs to be taken care of like a baby?
That I am simultaneously disappointed and enlightened at the ease and anxiety with which her sons and daughters are waiting to see her kick the bucket?
That I am amazed at the strength and will power of her 91 year old husband who is doing everything he can to make it last?
That I am trying hard to convince people to cut down on the budget of the bachelor's party that we are planning to throw for ashwin who is probably going to get drunk too soon and pass out?
That I need to pay a visit to the doctor to get that little thing growing out of my anus checked?
That I am looking at every possible interaction with a member of the opposite sex as if I need to remember it to tell my grandchildren that I am going to have with her, "hey so thats the first thing I told your grandma and she was floored by it" or "she thought I was a total jerk at our first meeting"?
That I can't believe that I forgot how hard I tried to be detached throughout my longest relationship only to realise later that I wasn't so detached after all?
That I am not really focused or that I am not really putting in my 100% into what I believe to be my only decent chance at doing something worthwhile?
That I realised I might actually be good at a lot of things which I thought I sucked at, like making a good first impression, planning work, getting work done by others etc?
That I am looking forward to my first newspaper interview more because I think I might actually try to flirt with the interviewer than the fact that it is my first interview?
That I am actually going to give a talk in the insti to a bunch of MA final year students and I am super confident that I am going to be remembered for it by those who will attend it?
That I urge to possess is greater than the urge to appreciate what I possess?
That I would much rather buy books and smell them rather than sit down and read them?
That I have realised that I want to write for a living but I simply can't even if my life depended on it?
That I am so conflicted that I am starting to wonder what my so called fundamental beliefs are?
That sometimes I wonder if I might actually be a Fire sign instead of a Water sign knowing fully well that neither means shit?
That I like to imagine what life would be like if I ended up spending the rest of my life thinking about what the rest of my life would be?
That I am often surprised and shocked at the effort and energy people put into things that mean more to me than to them?
That I am usually unappreciative of such effort, be it in the form of love, affection, time, energy, work, kindness etc?
That I am so much like my dad and mum in expressing love, that takes on the form of "I will do a,b,c,d things to make sure your life runs smoothly while you need to do e,f,g,h things to make sure mine is equally good"?
That I keep hoping to see a familiar face in the latest mms clips that I watch often?
That I would much rather watch life than live it?
That I actually believe I am going to pop off very soon, by 2015?
That I don't actually feel like waking up in the morning fresh and energetic and getting started with work even though this is the closest I have ever gotten to loving what I do?
That I keep telling myself I don't care who reads these rants of mine while I secretly hope that someone would be mighty impressed and fall madly in love with me and change their thoughts and opinions based on these rants?
That I ended up writing way more than I thought I would?
That I am going to stop writing these posts because I don't feel like anymore?

Is this unconditional love?

She is delusional.
She keeps asking if she is sitting up or lying down.
She wonders why people are trying to wake her up in the middle of the night.
She keeps thinking she has soiled her clothes. She can't remember her loo visit that she struggled to walk to, half hour back.
She is 83.




He takes care of her.
He spends sleepless nights sitting next to her.
He keeps talking to her, while she drifts between consciousness and sleep.
He feeds her, he gives her medicines.
He is fiercely protective about her.
He barely gets out of that room, and even when he is sitting in the hall,
He hears her call and runs to the room. It turns out that he imagined it.
He is hanging on to her for dear life.
He is 91.



They have been married for over 65 years.