Wonder why...

women can't shut the fuck up about their boyfriends? I mean, have you ever had a conversation with someone for half hour without 'his' name popping up like an undigested piece of meat? Of course, you should be privileged enough to know the fact in the first place. And then you are doomed. Absolutely nothing can ever save you from the tirade. Oh my god, he's such a sweetheart. Ooh, he did this! Ooh, he did that! Ooh, he fucks like a god. Ooh, he farts like a god! Ooh, he is a god. Yeah, sure. He must be. 

Chances are, if a girl hasn't mentioned another guy's name within an hour of conversation, she's most probably single and you must have gotten up on the right side of bed!

Of course, if "his" name does pop up, you better change topics fast and start talking about food. You do not want to make the mistake of feigning interest, academic or otherwise. You might wrongly think it's a good point of discussion for you to build your conversation. Don't do it. You will not live long enough to see the end of it. 

Another common trap that many of us fall into is asking "Hey, what's wrong? You seem dull. Did something happen?" Now, this is not such a bad start. But you better not wait for an answer. "Hey, don't worry. Buy me a cuppa coffee and I'll cheer you up!" is one of the safe ways out. But if you weren't smart enough to realise it early on, you might end up donning the role of agony aunt for the day. Your head will be filled with a million new crazy characters who are somehow connected to this extremely insignificant incident that happened between "him" and "her" because of which they've not been on talking terms for the last five mins.  And you know what, you'll actually feel good about it. For about an hour. You can only kick yourself for taking the garden lizard off the wall and putting it into your underwear. 

But you know what is worse? Listening to a guy pour his heart out. It's interesting for about two mins when he's all worked up and swearing his head off, dragging in mom, sis, grandfather, uncle etc into the insults. But that's about it. Unless you derive some kind of a voyeuristic pleasure out of all this, you better stay out. The details are monotonous. The incidents cheesy. The dialogues nauseating. You'd have sobered up by second act and would be fighting a loose battle with your bladder. And that's when you'll hear "Why me, man?? Why is this happening to me??" 

I wish I knew.

Here's the funny part. I've been there. Mostly at the receiving end, but sometimes at the giving end too. It's fun! Plus I feel so ordinary and sane at the end of the day. 

Now you are wondering... what was this guy doing talking to a girl who had a boyfriend? I dunno! I was probably bored, hoping to have an intellectually stimulating conversation. 

Yeah right. 

"Whatever happened to Gary Cooper, the strong, silent type? That was an American. He wasn't in touch with his feelings. He just did what he had to do. See, what they didn't know is once they got Gary Cooper in touch with his feelings, that they wouldn't be able to shut him up. And then it's dysfunction this and dysfunction that and dysfunction va fa culo!" 

-Tony Soprano, The Sopranos Pilot Episode