I never liked you

Saturday Night Blues?

2012-02-05T00:05:00.002+05:30

What is this sense of belonging all about?

Do I belong to my laptop with which I spend a major part of my day?

Do I belong to my EXcess love about who I wonder about on full moon nights?

Am I a part of this wonderful group of friends who I proudly proclaim as mine?

Am I a part of this city which gives me this strange sense of security?

Is my dad mine? Can I crawl back into my mum?

Can I claim I belong to this race? this clan? this religion? this faith?

Should I feel proud that I am from this nation called India?

Maybe I should thump my chest that I can speak Tamil?

Or should I feel proud that I have people who claim that they belong to me?

The ones that say I inspire them?

What about the ones who live in my apartment? my street? my area? my city?

This is a strange day, with a lot of fun stuff thrown in.

In the name of entertainment. Intoxication.

Hello, Death.

2012-01-30T12:55:00.000+05:30

"Under the wide and starry sky,
Dig the grave and let me lie.
Glad did I live and gladly die,
And I laid me down with a will.

"This be the verse you grave for me:
Here he lies where he longed to be;
Home is the sailor, home from sea,
And the hunter home from the hill."

- Requiem - R.L Stevenson

Encountered these wonderful words as I waited for inspiration.

Never will I quote these again. Never will I forget.

sweet refrain

2012-01-23T12:22:00.003+05:30

This is the song I am gonna be singing for a while!
Catchy stuff.

The best things in life are free
But you can keep them for the birds and bees
Now give me money
That's what I want
That's what I want, yeah
That's what I want

You're lovin' gives me a thrill
But you're lovin' don't pay my bills
Now give me money
That's what I want
That's what I want, yeah
That's what I want

Money don't get everything it's true
What it don't get, I can't use
Now give me money
That's what I want
That's what I want, yeah
That's what I want, wah

Money don't get everything it's true
What it don't get, I can't use
Now give me money
That's what I want
That's what I want, yeah
That's what I want

Well now give me money
A lot of money
Wow, yeah, I wanna be free
Oh I want money
That's what I want
That's what I want, well
Now give me money
A lot of money
Wow, yeah, you need money
Now, give me money
That's what I want, yeah
That's what I want

In search of...

2012-01-21T20:58:00.001+05:30

We start writing in the hope that we are going to create something epic, plunge headlong into the plot, protagonist, the characters surrounding them - mother, estranged dad, baby brother, best friends, acquaintances, and so on
But
It falls short.
Disappoints.
The epic in your head falls short,
The pic in your phone turns ugly,
The story so far is beautiful,
But uninspiring,
It gets over too soon,
Simply
The end.

And the fishing begins again.

Fun, partly.
Tiring, mostly.

Faith.
Hope.
Love.

The next big epic awaits us.

Season of Change.

2011-12-19T16:38:00.002+05:30

I am feeling warm & cozy.
I am feeling loved & happy.

Although it has been my trend,
to signpost the onset of a new romance
and stop writing after that
because the spoken word sounds sweeter
has a loving ear
and its effect immediate,
I think it would be a good idea
to document
the good times
for future reference.

Dear readers, stalkers, ex-lovers, current ones, curious boys from around the world,
and you,

please to continue patronage.
I shall reappear in an old hang out,
in new clothing,
and dish out
happy sappy
pappy nappy
sloppy poppy
posts
about

new romance,

love songs,
misty walks,
holding hands,
corny lines,
and
happy times.

Not here.
There.
Ok?

PS: I never liked you. :-)

I will write soon

2011-12-17T02:02:00.001+05:30

About the year that was 2011, about the weddings i attended, about this new book I am reading which I am already in love with and can't stop thinking about or for that matter talking about, about Aakash, certainly about the new company and my wonderful team.

Mr.KR said that I am a simple fellow and a man of action. And I hated him for labling me that way. But in the end it is impossible not to become what people believe you are, and the more I think about it, the more I seem to realise that I do believe in and want simple things in life, and that I prefer actions to words.

Hmmm...

I will write soon.

My dad is Zen

2011-11-30T12:57:00.001+05:30

I have spent a lot of time trying to read about being Zen and detachment and all that jazz.
http://zenhabits.net/zen-attachment/ that article has been open in one of my tabs since August.
Always open.
I glance at it everyday just to see if any of it makes sense, to see if I can be Zen too by practicing some of the things it talks about. Do read it sometime. It is thought provoking.

And the more i read it the more i realise that it takes a lot of effort to be Zen. Some of it sounds brilliant on paper but nearly impossible to implement in real life. And the more I read it the more I realise I have someone around me who practices it on a daily basis without giving a damn about the difference between the philosophy and the car.
My dad is Zen.

He is! I kid you not.
He is totally Zen.
And the best part is
he doesn't know it.

I can't believe I am actually going to type the last sentence of this blog. I have spent hours, days and years vehemently fighting it, protesting, kicking and screaming against the very notion. I have debated long and hard (don't go thats what she said on me now, I am actually typing something very serious! Oh god, I can't help it. That's what she said!!!) with people around about parent child relationships and how they have such a great influence in our lives and all that. I have struggled to accept the fact that my parents have shaped my life in more ways than I would like to accept in public. But then that was before, when I was a rebellious, hot blooded, testosterone influenced youngster, who had to take the other side just for the heck of it, who had to argue because I liked a good debate, and went so far as to believe in the sides I took even though I sometimes realised that I wasn't always right. Now, I am older, with a slightly broader perspective on life, having encountered my share of deaths and defeats and defenselessness.
Okay here I go, and I will never be able to say it out loud, never be able to admit this to anyone anywhere inebriated or otherwise, never admit in court or elsewhere that it was me who typed this out, in my senses, in a state of mind that would be considered normal by society standards.

I wish I could be like my dad.

This is the end, This is the beginning.

2011-11-30T00:51:00.001+05:30

...I like you. I want to date you. I am attracted to you. I think yo are a beautiful person. I want to be with you. I want to make love to you. I want to be able to possess you and belong to you. I want to hold hands with you and walk miles. I want to cuddle up with you and watch corny movies.
I want to have endless conversations with you. I want to look you in the eye, say I love you and mean it. I want all of that. Now now. Not today. In due course of time.

The dance

2011-11-19T22:57:00.001+05:30

He
Takes a deep breath,
Unfurls his wonderful plumage,
Showcases his full splendour,
Jumps around on his two scrawny legs,
Weaves strange mesmerizing patterns,
Not stopping till he finds a mate.

The hunt has begun.

Diminished to an Excuse

2011-11-18T21:53:00.001+05:30

How did this happen?

You were a living breathing soul,
full of yearnings,
and unfulfilled desires,
with wants and dreams
both mundane and fantastic.
Never missed your serials,
Always made everyone comfortable,
Forever concerned about
everyone's well being.
Curious like a child,
wanted to know everything
that happened around you.

And just like that
you shrank within yourself
pushed out the dreams
shooed away the desires
severed connections
breathed your last
turned into ashes
disappeared
into the raging waters,
diminished to an excuse.

A feast every day in your name
Pavakka pitla, Kathrikka kootu, vazhaikka podimas, paal payasam
Poshnikka sambar, beans poriyal, chowchow kootu, semiya paysam
mor kozhambu, koas poriyal, vellai pooshnikka kootu, kadala pradhaman
vendakka pitla, many vegetable poriyal, porichakootu, kesari
capsicum sambar, urulai curry, aviyal, rice payasam.

"Sorry, I couldn't meet you last week, my paati passed away so I had to be at home"

How did this happen?

borrowed from xkcd...

2011-11-16T19:49:00.001+05:30

The cement garden

2011-11-16T18:16:00.001+05:30

"there!" she said, "wasn't that a lovely sleep."

Such a gripping read it was.
The way the four children cope with the loss of their parents...
It's not everyday you come across a book that portrays vividly a crumbling suburban family of four children and their ordinary lives with an extraordinary eye for detail.
They jump out of the pages and walk around you, in flesh and blood, and the tension is so thick in the air that a stray sharp breath shatters the silence.
The boys puzzle you with their experiments, the girls catch you off guard with their swift back and forth transitions from responsible adults to giggling adolescents.
The last few pages startle you, shake you out of your skin, leave you gasping for breath, staring at nothingness.

Where do I go from here?
Anything I pick up next will pale in comparison.
The soft sweet smell of paper lingers on long after I put down the book.

This has to be a rare haunting read.

The Conversations

2011-11-15T15:47:00.001+05:30

Lots of calls, from all around the city and from outside as well.
Mostly women, married, with children who want to do their little bit.
Lots of repetition, spelling out my email and telling them the one liners about the company.
I haven't had so many one on one conversations in a single day.

I must admit that I was surprised by some of the people who spoke.

And I think I have about 10 potential team members.
And three schools.
And loads of kind hearts

who like what we do.
who have immense faith in us.
and who believe we are doing something great.

And...
here is the best part.

My dad.
My mum.

They are happy.

Ha!

About a boy, a girl and a man.

2011-11-13T18:40:00.001+05:30

Kamal Hassan must be a fun guy to hang out with.
He is smart, charming, knows lots of stuff, and has a great sense of humour.

I met him.

--------------------------------------
And first pangs of love kick in for the man.
He misses her like crazy.
His minutes crawl like years in eager anticipation of an sms or a call.

She is out of the country on a vacation that is stressing her out
because she is away from him.
She spends 4k on international roaming calls every day.

He admits that he hasn't felt like this every before.
He realises that this could be a big turning point in his life.

She is madly in love with him.
She is ready to throw everything away to come be with him
this very instant.

He jokes most of the time but in reality he
can't
be
without
her
for
long.

She is
truly
madly
deeply
in
love.

And they are getting married in February.
------------------------------------------------

Alas, I wish I could be like that, just for a few hours.
The innocence of first love.
The storm it stirs up within.
The obsession.
The passion.

-----------------------------------------------

the talk

2011-11-12T10:49:00.001+05:30

Was attended by a massive crowd of 25 people.
It was well received by yawns and walk outs.
And it was quite short, just over an hour long.

But...

Unfortunately, I have convinced people to work with me.
Now I don't know what to do.

:'-(

2011-11-10T20:50:00.001+05:30

Sid's paati passed away today.

Why are we going through tough times?

2011-11-09T10:44:00.002+05:30

I remember you used to sing me this lullaby when i was very little...

I remember the kindness in your voice.
I remember the pathos.

I know you cared the most for me of all your grandchildren.
Because you thought I was special.
Because you strongly believed that I was a blessing from your favourite gods, a boon for your prayers and all the payasam you made and gave the children in your streets.

I didn't treat you like you were special to me.
You were just an old annoying lady who interfered too much with my life.
I matched every act of kindness with an equal act of scorn.
I matched your every word of concern with equal disdain.

I wish I could have said sorry for being rude and silent all these years.

I did feel sorry.
But I never had the courage to look you in the eye.
I was too proud to admit that I was wrong.
too proud to say it.

It was too difficult to see you so weak and shrunk.
Just yesterday I came to your room and stood behind you.
I wanted to tell you everything will be alright.
I just couldn't get myself to do that.
You were not aware of my presence.
You were in pain.
Waiting for your time
to go.

I can still hear your voice when i think very hard and try to remember.

I wish I could sing this for you. Just once.

Hallula Hai… hai hai hai apadalu kaayi
Kurra vaandranu kayi sriranga sayi
Kurra vaandranu kaayi sriranga sayi…
Pedda vaandranu gayi perugala thandri

Kanchikipoyeti gaajula setti
Kanchi kaamakshamma yevaraadapaduchu
Sivakanchi yelina sivuniki bharya
Vishu kanchelina vishnuvu chellelu

Yevoori vaadavo yevadavaadivo
Mayintikochhavu maababu neevu
Aavooru eevooru anniyu tirigenu
Maababu chadivenu mamanchi chaduvu

Chadivina chaduvulu andaru meccheru
Mechi mechi manchi bahumatulu iccheryu
Vachina bahumatulu anniyu choochenu
Maa manchi alludani maama pogidenu

Chichose kukkaku siggela lede
Chinni maa advaitku nidarela raade
Andaari maamalu chandamaamalu
Maa abbayi maamalu rama lakshmanulu

Chinnariponnari chalakave nuvvu
Gunnamaami meedi panjarapu chiluka
Chilakamma chelaregi chintakommekkenu
maabaabu chelaregi maama bhujamekkenu

yedavaku yedavaku verri na tandri
yediste nee kalla neelalugaaru
neelalu kaarite ne choodalenu
palaina kaarave pasibabu kanula

achhamma buchhamma adilacchamma
sri venkatesuniki yendare satulu
acchamma bucchamma adilachamma
andarilo chakkanidi alamelu manga

2011-11-09T07:32:00.001+05:30

And she is no more.

Rest in peace, dear Krishnaveni.
(1928 -2011)

:-(

goodnight, and good luck

2011-11-07T01:54:00.001+05:30

hmm... who would have thought that good conversations can be waiting around the corner to take me by surprise and make me happy? :)

----------------------------
And the landmark sale came to an end and I went there thrice in the last two weeks.
I went there today and bought another 16 books.
You won't believe what happened there. The guy at the counter gave me everything for half the price after the discount! That meant books that had 199 written on them were billed for 99 and those with 99 were billed for 49!
And on top of that the fello gave me a 200 buck discount for no reason.
Shit.
I can't believe that actually happened.

October -Nov 2011 is the first time I ended up spending over 10k on myself.
And almost all of it was on books.
Happiness.

-------------------------------

Big week this.
I have a talk and a storytelling session lined up at the end of the week.
I am totally looking forward to it.

-------------------------------

Back to work tomorrow. I hope great progress is made this week. Wish me luck.

Our changing lives

2011-11-06T09:49:00.001+05:30

It wasn't what I had expected at all.
She was a pleasant surprise.
A woman after my own heart.
She reads books like there is no tomorrow.
We even like the same authors and books and quotes and words.
A little reserved to begin with but we couldn't stop talking once we got started about books.
She is comfortably single.
With a tinge of regret on not having lived outside home.
Her dad is her life.
She likes her work.
She goes for Yoga classes.
"Whatever works", works for her.
Such uncanny similarity.

Our comfortably lonely lives.

I will have to work hard to make a space for myself in hers.
I am not going to do it.

And that has pretty much been the case in so many people I have met in the recent past.
Irrespective of gender.
Everyone's got something going for themselves. Everyone's happy in their own little worlds.
Nobody seems to be ready to experiment. Ready to try out something new.
Nobody wants their routine disrupted.
Nobody likes change.

And I am not saying that with regret or longing or anything.
It is simply an observation.
Maybe because I am in a turbulent, evolving phase of my life, I find it a little strange that people my age are happy with things around. They few I know rarely seem to try out new things, they really don't want to get to know new people, don't want to visit new places.

Why is that the case?

I mean, I can understand the reluctance my mum shows whenever I try dragging her to a new restaurant or make her play a new game on my comp... But people my age?

And then, every once in a while these changes happen and take me by surprise.
The walk out by her.
The marathon by thambi.
The romantic side of buay.
The angst that surfaced in me.

I talk as if I am always evolving and changing. I was the most comfortable man you could have found four months back. My world revolved around 2nd main road, gandhi nagar & mandaveli and insti.

Our changing lives.

Notes to myself (don't care about the numbers anymore)

2011-11-05T00:05:00.002+05:30

What do I write today?
That I felt like an adolescent falling first time in love while watching Dhanush in Aadukalam especially the euphoria he captures so well in otha sollaala and yathe yathe?
That I can't stand too see my grandmum die day by day, trying to shit through a hole in a plastic chair with a bucket under it to collect her trickling feces?
That I can't believe that inspite of her repeated "I want to go away without troubling anyone" she is actually unable to fight back or let go and needs to be taken care of like a baby?
That I am simultaneously disappointed and enlightened at the ease and anxiety with which her sons and daughters are waiting to see her kick the bucket?
That I am amazed at the strength and will power of her 91 year old husband who is doing everything he can to make it last?
That I am trying hard to convince people to cut down on the budget of the bachelor's party that we are planning to throw for ashwin who is probably going to get drunk too soon and pass out?
That I need to pay a visit to the doctor to get that little thing growing out of my anus checked?
That I am looking at every possible interaction with a member of the opposite sex as if I need to remember it to tell my grandchildren that I am going to have with her, "hey so thats the first thing I told your grandma and she was floored by it" or "she thought I was a total jerk at our first meeting"?
That I can't believe that I forgot how hard I tried to be detached throughout my longest relationship only to realise later that I wasn't so detached after all?
That I am not really focused or that I am not really putting in my 100% into what I believe to be my only decent chance at doing something worthwhile?
That I realised I might actually be good at a lot of things which I thought I sucked at, like making a good first impression, planning work, getting work done by others etc?
That I am looking forward to my first newspaper interview more because I think I might actually try to flirt with the interviewer than the fact that it is my first interview?
That I am actually going to give a talk in the insti to a bunch of MA final year students and I am super confident that I am going to be remembered for it by those who will attend it?
That I urge to possess is greater than the urge to appreciate what I possess?
That I would much rather buy books and smell them rather than sit down and read them?
That I have realised that I want to write for a living but I simply can't even if my life depended on it?
That I am so conflicted that I am starting to wonder what my so called fundamental beliefs are?
That sometimes I wonder if I might actually be a Fire sign instead of a Water sign knowing fully well that neither means shit?
That I like to imagine what life would be like if I ended up spending the rest of my life thinking about what the rest of my life would be?
That I am often surprised and shocked at the effort and energy people put into things that mean more to me than to them?
That I am usually unappreciative of such effort, be it in the form of love, affection, time, energy, work, kindness etc?
That I am so much like my dad and mum in expressing love, that takes on the form of "I will do a,b,c,d things to make sure your life runs smoothly while you need to do e,f,g,h things to make sure mine is equally good"?
That I keep hoping to see a familiar face in the latest mms clips that I watch often?
That I would much rather watch life than live it?
That I actually believe I am going to pop off very soon, by 2015?
That I don't actually feel like waking up in the morning fresh and energetic and getting started with work even though this is the closest I have ever gotten to loving what I do?
That I keep telling myself I don't care who reads these rants of mine while I secretly hope that someone would be mighty impressed and fall madly in love with me and change their thoughts and opinions based on these rants?
That I ended up writing way more than I thought I would?
That I am going to stop writing these posts because I don't feel like anymore?

Is this unconditional love?

2011-11-04T09:19:00.001+05:30

She is delusional.
She keeps asking if she is sitting up or lying down.
She wonders why people are trying to wake her up in the middle of the night.
She keeps thinking she has soiled her clothes. She can't remember her loo visit that she struggled to walk to, half hour back.
She is 83.

He takes care of her.
He spends sleepless nights sitting next to her.
He keeps talking to her, while she drifts between consciousness and sleep.
He feeds her, he gives her medicines.
He is fiercely protective about her.
He barely gets out of that room, and even when he is sitting in the hall,
He hears her call and runs to the room. It turns out that he imagined it.
He is hanging on to her for dear life.
He is 91.

They have been married for over 65 years.

She sleeps so peacefully.

2011-10-31T23:22:00.002+05:30

Let her sleep.
She isn't waking up.
Let her sleep.
She will be alright tomorrow.
Let her sleep.
Let her sleep.
Let her rest
in peace.

Can't stop crying

2011-10-30T23:48:00.001+05:30

I can't stop crying. She heard the bell ring. She walked with the support of her husband. She came and sat down next to me. One seat away from me. She could hardly speak. I smiled at her. She said she wanted to sit next to me. For the first time in her life she was in a nighty. Four sizes too big for her even though it said medium in it's tag. I smiled at her. I was drunk. And I walked away. From one seat away from her and sat at the dining table. And I broke down. I can't stop crying. I haven't spoken to her in years. I can't stop crying.she is 83 and dying. All she wanted was to sit one seat away from me. And she was happy to see me. It was 11 in the night.And I can't stop crying.

notes to myself 23

2011-10-27T00:26:00.003+05:30

and we try to overwrite memories, in vain.
We hope we can do the exact same things, remembering the past, recreating the present, in hope we overwrite the past.
It doesn't happen as well as you hope it would.
It happens in a way you aren't in control of.
You then resort to hoping that the other version of the same day same time happens in way that the current memory gets destroyed with passage of time, with new, powerful memories.
I hope you had a good diwali.
A new life, a new movie, a new movie.

In retrospect, I think it was okay the last time around, the same way it was okay this time too.
I hope you never have to go through what i had to, I hope you had already forgotten what I tried hard to erase
---------------------------------
I think I have a much larger memory than I had hoped I had.
------------------------------
So I am going to make it tougher than I had hoped it would be.
------------------------------
Why is it that we hold on so much than we expect we would?
------------------------------
In fragmented sentences, in fragmented thoughts,
I capture memories that I wish to forget.
In measured words, in censored versions,
I pray not to remember you.

notes to myself 22

2011-10-26T01:07:00.001+05:30

My friend Sancho.
Such a nice read.
A pleasant breeze.
-------------------------
Was busy writing the b-plan exec summary last two nights.
Just about finished.
Waiting for edited version to come back.
Wish me luck, ok?
------------------------
So, I have a feeling we are going to blow away 5k for an unsatisfactory output.
Because there seems to be something basically wrong here.
You don't want to do it anymore.
------------------------
I can't believe I convinced this girl to block that boy today!
I seriously can't believe it.
And then I gave her a bit of faith, and a bit of strength and she did it.
But the surprising part was that she broke up with the other boy.
I wonder what was going through her head.
------------------------
Happy Diwali, folks.
------------------------
Milestones,
insignificant ones.
Like writing a 100 posts.

Lets talk
where there is something
significant,
ok?

notes to myself 21

2011-10-23T23:51:00.001+05:30

Very long day.
Very little to say.

Won't someone
just take me away?

Ono no Komachi

2011-10-22T16:51:00.001+05:30

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ono_no_Komachi

The autumn night

is long only in name --

We've done no more

than gaze at each other

and it's already dawn.

(Tr. Hirshfield & Aratani)

Though I go to you

ceaselessly

in my dreams,

the sum of those trysts

is less than a single glimpse

granted in the waking world.

Was it because I fell asleep

Tormented by longing

That you appeared to me?

Had I but known I dreamt

I should have wished never to awaken.

(Tr. Helen Craig McCullough)

I thought to pick

the flower of forgetting

for myself,

but I found it

already growing in his heart.

(Tr. Hirshfield & Aratani)

A thing which fades

With no outward sign

Is the flower

Of the heart of man

In this world.

(Tr. Arthur Waley)

Those gifts you left

have become my enemies:

without them

there might have been

a moment's forgetting.

(Tr. Hirshfield & Aratani)

Sad --

the end that waits me --

To think at last

I'll be a mere haze

pale green over the fields.

(Tr. Burton Watson)

This body

grown fragile, floating,

a reed cut from its roots...

If a stream would ask me

to follow, I'd go, I think.

(Tr. Hirshfield & Aratami)

The flowers withered
Their color faded away
While meaninglessly
I spent my days in the world
And the long rains were falling

(Tr.Donald Keene)

fleeting thoughts 2

2011-10-22T14:56:00.000+05:30

I was going through some old chat conversations.
A lot of them.

And...
I hate to admit it.

I was an idiot.
I was mean and rude most of the time.
I was selfish.
I was lazy.
I refused to go out.
I hardly said nice things.
I was discouraging.
I was controlling.
I was always making jokes.
I never listened.
I never paid attention.
I was all about me.

I wasn't respectful.
I wasn't caring.
I wasn't decent.
I wasn't accommodating.
I wasn't fair.
I wasn't kind.
I always took.
I hardly gave.

I had very little to give other than my time.
And I stopped giving that too.

I know I tried compensating by providing whatever little I could.
And I realise that it didn't matter much.

I am sorry.

I think I took away too much and gave too little and I never realised it.

I think that explains the desperation in my posts, the craving for your all-giving kindness.

I hardly gave you what you you wanted.
I never gave you what you desired.

I think you deserve better.

Much better.

And I hope you will get it someday...
-------------------------------------------------------

me: hmmmmmmmmm

R: :)
I love you :)

me: i love you tooooooo R.

R: thissss much?
:)

me: yeah!
thisssssssssssssss much!

R: :) aww..
uve become so nice... since we got back.

me: whats that supposed to mean???
huh
huh

R: hahahahha..
i mean u wre nice before..
but that whole.. u being nice. respectful.. extra caring..
was not there.

me: what?!
WHAAAATTTTTTT?

R: not as much as now!
i mean.... u wud never say ... " why do u sound like u got fucked from behind?" ...
to me now..

me: hahahahaha
hahahahaha
ofcourse i will!
:P

R: of course u wont.

me: i dont remember when i said this!

R: nto as serious as how u said it then though

me: lol
hahahahahhahahaha

R: whaat :(
ure much nicer now.

me: awwwwwwww
thank you
you are much nicer now too

R: and you've helped me grow. and i think it took awhile for u to realize.. ive grown.

me: hmmmm

R: i was always nice :D

me: hahahah
yeash
thats true though
you have always been nice
:)

R: :)
thats because i love you.
i am very selfless when it comes to you.

me: hnmmmmmmmmmm
yeah
:)
true

R: :)
ok ill go sleep now ok..
temme something nice before i go no
okay ill call u.
bye

me: okay
you call
and i will say nice things
:)

I don't remember if i did.

--------------------------------------------

Goodnight.

Notes to myself 20

2011-10-21T22:42:00.000+05:30

I have been posting continuously since 15th of last month (barring the 3day gap during my Kotagiri visit)
I am going to give myself a round of applause.
applause
applause
clap clap clap
clap clap clap
--------------------------------------------
Today I thought about a lot of people in my life.
I was mailing a lot of people and before I typed out the mail I spent a few minutes thinking about the last time i met them or spoke to them.
I had forgotten that I knew a lot of people. And I had known them well, too.
At some point of time I had been very good friends with them.
And then they had disappeared from my life.
Sad, no?

It breaks my heart
\to think
that you are going to
disappear too.
-------------------------------------------
And then I got in touch with my long lost friend.
My agony aunt, my 'trip' friend (for we used to trip on each other ever so often), my all time love, my once-upon-a-time college crush, my very dear, happy drunk Maneetah...
And she would describe me as her girlfriend, her bitch, her trip mate, her comedian, her entertainment...

She was, between 2006-2008, quite close to my best friend and my favourite senior in college.
And these phases overlapped. (Oh yeah, they did. How come? because... keep reading)

We used to like similar things. Our tastes in book, music, men were sometimes very similar.

We used to be very good friends, but then we randomly stopped talking to each other sometime at the end of 2009. And I renewed connections with her today and we have a lot of catching up to do.

Girl talk!

Because
she
is
a
leo.
-------------------------------
Long working weekend ahead.
All over again.
Sigh.

Notes to myself 19

2011-10-20T22:03:00.001+05:30

Hmmm....

So I usually know within two months where it is going. I am not the kind to stall too much. If it is taking longer than that, then it could mean
a) balls need to be grown

b) comfortable where it is right now, not gonna do anything about it.

c) am not that attracted.

d) I will milk it as much as I can till I find something better.

This is my rule of thumb.

And yes, it gets complicated the minute "where is this going?" or "why hasn't it happened yet?" comes into the head.

I would have gone for it by now, if I really really wanted to. I won't think too much about the shadows of yesterday or the shape of tomorrow.
And I did too, long ago.

And got myself a keeper, too, you know?

-------------------------------------------------

I really need to learn to be clear and precise when I write.

I am learning though, slowly.
The hard way.
I learnt today that "to begin with" is not the same as "in the beginning" and they could be interpreted in vastly different ways.

-----------------------------------------------

I have been meeting quite a few people these days.
And I found a strange commonality in these people.
People seek out comfort zones and get into them easily.
We always want simple things in life. A work that we like or don't mind too much, decent salary, a house as close to work as possible, vegetables and provision stores close to that house, a few friends at work, a few friends outside, few living nearby, weekend outings, long walks, healthy food, movies, dinner, sleep, a boyfriend/girlfriend without any complications, maybe a long distance relationship, a place to call home that we visit once in a while and long for at other times, a mother and a father who will be around for very very long and not fall sick too often, a mother and father who we don't want to be like but secretly admit to be otherwise, a hobby or a sport to follow, a belief system to fall back on whenever in doubt, a party or a function to attend once in a while, a little celebration, a comfortable bed and a cozy pillow, a good loo where we get to be ourselves for a few minutes every day, lots of happy memories of school and college life, a few sad ones thrown in to make the happy ones seem happier, a few books to read and some time for ourselves to do all the nothing that we want to do.

I want these things too, sometimes.

But I want more.

Lots more.

I don't want a comfort zone.
Not yet.

-----------------------------------------------

The best part about having fantastic realizations or coming up with theories is the certainty that we get with it. And the little voice at the back of the head that says, "ha, you fool" that we choose to ignore but remember later on and laugh about.

----------------------------------------------
I have a little piece of goodnight with me.
It's came in the mail this evening, in the form of "Congratulations, your program has qualified to the next round of our business plan contest.", one that I applied to in a hurry, typing furiously with tear-blurred vision...

Thank god for small mercies eh?

--------------------------------------------

And another round of indulgence.

Black Hole - Charles Burns

Zot! - Scott McCloud

Lucky - Gabrielle Bell

Louis Riel - Chester Brown

Abandon the Old in Tokyo - Yoshihiro Tatsumi

At 199 a piece.

Ohhh, Somebody Stop Me!

-----------------------------------------------

A Retrospective, from Illusions, Illustrated.

This was a poem I had found long ago and posted in my first blog on Thursday, August 21st, 2008.

I read it again recently and I thought, hey, why not end with a little taunt. - :-)

'It's raining in love'

I don't know what it is,
but I distrust myself
when I start to like a girl
a lot.

It makes me nervous.
I don't say the right things
or perhaps I start
to examine,
evaluate,
compute
what I am saying.

If I say, "Do you think it's going to rain?"
and she says, "I don't know,"
I start thinking: Does she really like me?

In other words
I get a little creepy.

A friend of mine once said,
"It's twenty times better to be friends
with someone
than it is to be in love with them."

I think he's right and besides,
it's raining somewhere, programming flowers
and keeping snails happy.
That's all taken care of.

BUT

if a girl likes me a lot
and starts getting real nervous
and suddenly begins asking me funny questions
and looks sad if I give the wrong answers
and she says things like,
"Do you think it's going to rain?"
and I say, "It beats me,"
and she says, "Oh,"
and looks a little sad
at the clear blue California sky,
I think: Thank God, it's you, baby, this time
instead of me.

-- Richard Brautigan

fleeting thoughts

2011-10-20T12:05:00.003+05:30

It popped up in my head this morning, between the twin states of dream and sleeplessness.

A very good friend told me, a long time ago, when I had gone to him looking for sanity,

"the best thing to do is to talk it out. No point ranting about it to yourself or some third person. Be it a matter of the head or the heart, get the concerned person, sit down and have a straight conversation. No point in playing with it in your head. It doesn't help at all. Go, sit down, don't stand, sit down and talk - heart to heart, head to head, individual to individual. "

Hmmm... talk it out.

Notes to myself 18

2011-10-20T00:25:00.002+05:30

Did you know that there was originally a tagline below my blog title that read in black font in black background,
"I = you"?
------------------
I attended Pandit Shiv Kumar Sharma's concert today.
With Chinni.
And then I showed him my library and office.
And then he wanted to treat me for taking him to a fantastic concert.
So I took him to Treat.
And we had a lovely dinner of rotis and stuffed tomato and Veg Kohlapuri.
And then on our way back in Awesom-O I asked him to help me out with a story that I have been thinking about for two years.
And he listened to me patiently and he gave me my first piece of advice.
Rule number one - Make it as personal as possible. The story has to be about individuals and not types. So write from your life experiences. Do not write from the cinema you have seen or from the morality that has been ingested by you over a period of time. Do not to be judgmental about the characters you create. Let them speak and act for themselves. Write from your heart. Let it flow. Do not have any rules or restrictions when you write.

Thank you Chinni.
I hope to write my first draft soon and get to the more interesting part.
----------------------------
It's such a nice feeling to hear from an old friend, who is now in Texas and calls himself El Sapo from El Paso.

And so much faith and confidence he has in me.
It's reassuring.
Gives me hope.
Thanks El Sapo.
You made my day.
--------------
First day with first new member of the company went well.
Hope it gets better from now on.
-------------
Today,
I
go
to
sleep
a
happy
man.

Notes to myself 17

2011-10-18T23:56:00.003+05:30

It was a long walk from the bus stand.
I crossed the road slowly, dragging my feet.
There were two people standing at the bus stop.
A boy, with a backpack and glasses and a girl.
They looked like sales reps, the ones you spot in pondy bazaar
peddling encyclopedias.
They stood three feet away from each other.
It was 11-25pm by my watch.

And yet they stood there
unmindful of the time,
eyes fixed at the distant road
wishing for a bus.
Casting quick glances,
feeling secure
in each other's presence.
----------------------------------

Such a Long Journey is coming to an end and the unrest in the book coincides with the unrest within. I don't want to get out of that world. Please let it not get over no?
Gustad... Dilnawaz... such earnest characters I wish I knew them. And so much love they have for each other, day after day twenty years into their marriage...

Abhi na jao choddkar,

Yeh dil abhi bharah nahi.

------------------------------------

notes to myself 16

2011-10-17T23:39:00.002+05:30

Lonewolf, Upstairs.
Good one, no?
-------------------------
I keep saying "Mannneyh Mannneyh Manneyh Mannneyh Manneyh" the way Ajit says it in Mankatha and its a strange adrenaline rush. I end up laughing that evil laugh and feeling like I own the world.
Surely, those guys were onto something big. Go ahead, try it out.
Say it the way he says it and I dare you to tell me that you don't feel the rush too.
---------------------------
I just get this strange feeling that very soon I will witness death around me.
I wish I could express this sensation in words. I can actually feel the cold fingers of death coiling around her neck slowly... squeezing out the life juices drop by drop. I can see her struggle, put up a fight.
I can smell the fear the escapes from her mouth whenever she gasps for air.
I can see the longing in her eyes, the lust for another day, an extra hour, a few stolen minutes.
And I can understand her need to speak, to interfere with life that seems to be happening without her contribution. She wants to be heard, she wants to speak as much as she can before it is too late but nobody listens to her. She is made to shut up, by her son, by her husband and sometimes by her conscience.
She is dying, and she knows it. She is putting up a good fight. She is a survivor. She always was.
I can't look at her.
I avert my gaze quickly if our eyes meet perchance.

I don't have the decency to smile at her or acknowledge her presence.

I don't have the courage to walk up to her, go close for she can't hear very well, and say sorry.
I know it would make her happy if I spoke to her. I know she would find peace if I did.
I don't know why I wont.
---------------------------------
I need to learn grammar of
English.
Cinema.
Life.
----------------------------------
Are mothers really that attached to their sons?

And this is how i stay sane

2011-10-17T21:37:00.003+05:30

Binged again at Landmark.
I outdid my previous outings and bought 17 books this time.
Not to mention the six I bought yesterday.

I think I know what the problem is.
I have money to spend. And I have no life.
Plus I think I am subconsciously satisfying my urge to possess.

Anyway,

I bought the following books yesterday.

American Born Chinese - Gene Leun Yang - My library has a paperback which I had borrowed and read, but this hardcover feels nice in my hands. It is a multi layered story about trying to fit in. It has a Monkey King who wants to be taken seriously as a god, a Chinese boy who is trying to fit in to his new school in the USA...

Notes for a War Story - Gipi - Wow, Such lovely watercoloured panels. Its by an Italian Artist known as Gipi, about the lives of three boys in a war torn country in Europe.

Bloomsbury Good Reading Guide - It was 99 bucks and I thought it would make a nice companion for the year ahead.

Astro Boy - Osamu Tezuka - Finally I have something by the genius. It's a small book and I think it covers about two episodes in the super long, extremely famous series.

Arzee the Dwarf - Chandrahas Choudhury - I had ordered a copy from flipkart but it's not with me anymore and I wanted to read the book so I picked this up at 99 bucks. It's about a short man who works in a cinema theatre. I think it will be a good read.

Anthropology: 101 True Love Stories - Dan Rhodes - this caught my eye and is turning out to be a nice read. It has 101 stories with each having exactly 101 words. They are fictional stories from the point of view of a guy. There are a lot of girlfriends with strange and quirky names and some of them are hilarious.

Try this one for example.

As part of the getting-to-know-me process, Nightjar told me all about her ex-boyfriends. She went through her shoe box full of photographs. 'His penis was much bigger than yours,' she would say, 'but he had bad breath.' Or, 'He was quite old but he could still go all night.' When, at last, she had finished, she asked me about my romantic history. I told her I had been waiting all my life for that special someone, and how glad I was now I had finally found her. 'Ah, I see.' She rolled her eyes.
'You're one of those.'

I laughed so hard after reading that. I think this one's a keeper.

So all those I bought yesterday.

And these I bought today.

Yarns and Shanties (And Other Nautical Baloney): The Twelfth Sherman's Lagoon Collection - Jim Toomey
Sharks Just Wanna Have Fun: The Thirteenth Sherman's Lagoon Collection - Jim Toomey

These two books are collections of comic strips about "the misadventures of an overweight, lazy Great White shark named Sherman, his controlling, hot-tempered wife Megan, and the friends and foes they share their tropical home with."

They were 49 bucks a piece.

Beware in the Graveyard - Satyajit Ray's Feluda mysteries in graphic novel format. 49 bucks, and I thought this might be interesting.

Rude, Crude & Tattooed - Zits Sketchbook - Jerry Scott, Jim Borgman. - This is again a comic strip collection. I love Zits! It is hilarious. About a teenage boy Duncan and his friends and family. It's sort of like a grown up Calvin & Hobbes.

Thats just a sampling of what Zits is about. Go read it online. There are truckloads of it archived everywhere.
49 bucks again.

Klezmer: Tales of the Wild East - Joann Sfar - This was the most expensive buy of the day @ 249. I always wanted to read/own something by this guy. He is supposed to be one of the biggest French Comic Artist today. This one is about Jews during the War.

Lie - A traditional tale of Modern India - Gautam Bhatia - Indian Graphic Novel. @ 99 bucks. Had to get it, didn't I?

Forge - A CrossGen Anthology. NO idea what this is about. It came for 49 bucks and looks super colorful.

Commando - 3 in 1. For action and Adventure. -Again at 49 bucks, I had to get myself this comic for its very mention makes Bala and Chinni go nostalgic. I think a lot of people grew up reading Commando. Did you?

Strangers In Paradise - Treasury Edition - Terry Moore. - Oh this is special! So Strangers in Paradise is a b/w comic about these two girls, women actually, Francine and Katchoo and their friend David Qin. It explores the complex relationship between the two. And this treasury edition is simply gorgeous. Rs.199

Britten and Brülightly - Hannah Berry - Turned out to be the discovery of the day. It's a murder mystery and it looks so mindblowingly beautiful. Rs.199

The Little Man: Short Strips 1980-1995 - Chester Brown. I simply had to buy this one. I am sure very few know/remember this little piece of trivia. This blog got its name from one of my favourite graphic novels by Chester Brown, I Never Liked You. And this book is a collection of his short pieces. Aaaah. I can't believe I own a Chester Brown! @ Rs.199

Superspy - Matt Kindt - this is again a super buy. "Super Spy is 52 interwoven short stories about cyanide, pen-guns, heartbreak and betrayal. Each story follows the life of a spy during World War II. Spanning the globe from Spain to France and Germany, this book takes the reader on a tour of the everyday life of the spy." @ Rs.199

Animal's People - Indra Sinha. I bought this book because it said Shortlisted for Man-Booker Prize in 2007, and it came for all of Rs.49. It is a work of fiction set in the backdrop of Bhopal Gas Tragedy. (ha. I can't help snigger everytime i say gas. :-( Sigh...)

Sin City - Hard Goodbye - Frank Miller - Rs.199 and I pounced on it.

Eisner/Miller - So these two guys, legends in their own right, Will Eisner, and Frank Miller met up for a conversation over a long weekend and spoke about comics. And this book is sort of like a recording of their conversations. Intrigue made me buy it. And the price tag - Rs.199.

Wimbledon Green - Seth - Can't believe it. This is my second Seth! And Wimbledon Green is about a comic book collector told from various perspectives and many different formats. Rs.199

Push Man & Other Stories - Yoshihiro Tatsumi -

I teared up a little bit when I found this book on sale. It was such a surreal moment. I still can't believe that I have been reading comics for about 3 years and all of them downloaded from the internet... and suddenly I am the proud owner of a lot of comic books. And some of my favourites too.
It feels strange. And very unreal.
If you had to wake me up and tell me it was all a dream, I have just one request to you.
Please tell me I have been dreaming
for
over
three months.

notes to myself 15

2011-10-17T00:55:00.001+05:30

the future and the past merge, seamlessly.
I am sad and I am hopeful, at the same time.

I am also drunk.

It is a strange feeling, to experience the moment, where the thoughts of the long gone past encounters the hopes for the future within seconds of each other.
We live in hope. We live in the past. We live with our misgivings, and ourselves.
We live with the scents that we produce, with the stink in our feet and our underarms.
We live in our clothes that we put for wash the next day, or sometime soon.
We live within ourselves, our thoughts and hopes merging, into one simple amalgamation.
A+B.

We live, cheating ourselves, selling out on beliefs, selling out on our little principles which we form during brief moments of heightened sobriety.

We are who we are, without rules, without our guiding lights, in darkness, in our hearts.

We put them out to dry, our hearts,
hoping that someone would notice how well fleshed out they are.

We put them out on the line, "manjaa" laden strings, which carry them as far as we would let them,
defensive, yet optimistic, that some new kite would want to play, a "deal", with this new, yet unknown free bird.

We hope that our past isn't too obvious, isn't too noticeable, isn't how we are judged.

We hope that someone would be up for it.

We live in hope, and die in regret.

Notes to myself 14

2011-10-15T23:50:00.001+05:30

I used to write a blog called Our Lonely Lives during my depression era (now famously known as my disappearing act). I had become a recluse at that point, spending all my waking hours either in the company of my PC or with my good friend, Loneliness.

So this Our Lonely Lives, it was a wordpress blog and at that time I was too conceited that I had to keep it locked and password protected. Only I could read what was written in it. I had spewed venom and spilt all my hatred towards life and those surrounding me. I remember rereading it at a later point and thinking I had hit rock bottom and I would never get there again.

Ha.

I bumped into my good friend, Mr.L (Loneliness, for the uninitiated) quite recently and it was as if we had never parted ways. We spent a lot of time bringing each other up to date. We even managed to talk about the good ol days when there was just us and nobody else around at Somasundaram.

He proposed an interesting theory though. That my best work happened in his company. He said that almost all my "profound" ideas and thoughts and all my favourite stories came to me during my long affair with him.
And as I thought about it, I couldn't help but agree!

With his help I came up with my Matchbox Thieves; He made me think of the middle aged man who gets a chance to meet his favourite heroine; He was instrumental in my puppeteer hero contemplating rescuing his wife sitting in a cinema theater; he witnessed me come up with my trilogy on cinema.

His presence boosted my vocabulary. He gave me my detached vision, with which I could see the world as myself and as him.

Mr.L!
You are back.
I am looking forward to your sojourn.
------------------------------------------
Today's conversation with Geetha @ Hippo

Me- Hi, eppdi irrukeenga.
Geetha - Hi N, epdi irukeenga! pathu romba naal achu.
Me- Aaan. I am doing good.
Geetha (with a glint in her eye and a knowing smile) - Ria madam epdi irukkaanga!

--------------------------
I finally got loads of money in my account.
And I will be getting more.
Lots more.

------------------------------------------
A rebellion is brewing within him. Thambi, be patient. Your turn is around the corner. You will get your break. Everything will work out in your favour soon.

I sympathise with him though.
I am not even half as deep a shit as him and I cause/caused way more trouble.
------------------------------------------
Ashok Nagar.

notes to myself 13

2011-10-15T00:04:00.000+05:30

Seems like everyone around me is offering the same solution to my predicament.

WORK
YOUR
ASS
OFF

And that seems to be the only sensible thing to do.

And today, Vgoo said, "you can choose today to not have a social life and work long hours. You are at a point where you can decide and do it. I mean, if you have nothing better to do, why not just keep working?"

Which is what he does.
Which is what songi does.
Which is what Ashwin does.

Which is what my prof does.

Which is what I need to do too.

I have been living fairly luxuriously, working 8-9 hours a day, 5 days a week and taking the day off on festivals, national holidays, common colds, headaches, heartaches etc.

I have spent way too much time thinking about issues in life, brooding on it, wallowing in self pity, remorse, guilt, depression etc.

I have a year ahead where my company depends solely on me and my performance. I can make it big or not. I can prove myself or not. I can make lots of money or not. I can be successful or not.
It is entirely in my hands.

It is a good feeling to know that I have a shot and just one shot to make a difference.

I am going for it.
----------------------------------

I think one of the most sensible things I did in life was surrounding myself with lots of level headed, sober people. I am so glad that I have people who offer me sanity when I need it instead of alcohol or weed. (Sure, these people can get me that too. And they have when I have needed that.)
It is a great feeling to know that I have people with me who are extremely focused in life, who are aware of what they really want and are working towards it, day in and day out.

There are no pretenses at all. These people aren't saying they want to get somewhere in life while wasting away with intoxicants and idiots. Sure, they have their share of fun. Unlike me, they fix a time and place for fun and don't mix the two.

I am thankful to them for being there for me.

I used to be like that at one point.

I think I will get there soon.
--------------------------------------

I think I had regressed a lot in the last two months. In thoughts and in action. I had spoken and written stuff that I would not have as my normal self.

I am sorry if I hurt your feelings.
I am sorry for stooping to all time lows while speculating about your personal lives.
I am sorry for misinterpreting your genuine concern as judgmental talk.
And most of all, I am sorry for my jealousy and envy and pride.

I said and wrote a lot of things when I was off balance, tottering, struggling to regain my balance after the carpet was yanked off from under me. I am sorry for everything that happened.

I really am.

I think I have regained my senses.
And you will not find me ranting too much anymore.

The drama is over. For now.
-----------------------------------

It's going to be called Multi Story Pvt Ltd.

And it is going to be my show.

Lessons in forgetting 1

2011-10-14T18:18:00.002+05:30

Always begins after the loss is complete, the remembering.

- Rohinton Mistry,

Such a Long Journey.

notes to myself 12

2011-10-14T13:00:00.001+05:30

I got back this morning.
And as my foot touched the floor in Chennai Central, I was hit by an overwhelming sense of reality.

Kotagiri was almost dream-like. I was surrounded by wonderful children, full of love and affection.
I stood on a terrace and watch the clouds float past the most breathtaking view I have ever had the chance to set eyes on.

Four days of no pressure. no worries. and surprisingly no tears.

And then I got back to Chennai.

I was reminded of everything I had left behind the minute I got out of the station.

A drop of tear rolled down my face.

I felt feverish.

-------------------------------------------

I came home and slept, fitfully between dreams.

In the one I remember, I was sitting in a theatre where they were showing a live football match. I think Barcelona was playing. And Arjun was sitting next to me. We were sitting right up front. And I get up to go to the restroom and I walk all the way back and I see her in the theatre. She is sitting and watching the match too. She has a nice bag in her lap.

I freeze. She doesn't see me. I run back to my seat, feeling strange and confused. I keep looking back. I compose myself and decide to go back for her. I walk up to the row where I saw her and she isn't there any more.

I get scared. I search frantically. I can only see a few people from the Kotagiri trip sitting in the next row. And they don't seem to recognize me.

I woke up in a panic.

-------------------------------------

I sent a mail from futureme.org.

I am confident. I have hope.

I am ready.

-----------------------------------------

About Survival

2011-10-14T12:17:00.001+05:30

On my way back, there were thousands of cockroaches in my compartment.
I tossed and turned and every time I opened my eyes,
I could see one scampering away quickly, purposefully.
In all shapes and sizes.
All over the wall, the berth, on my bags.
I squashed a few with my book and threw them away.
They landed on the floor and quickly ran away.

about love

2011-10-10T22:29:00.001+05:30

"I love you", it says,
to no one in particular.
It takes me by surprise
as I roll over to my left.
It's scribbled in violet,
with a circle around it,
to the side of my berth.
These words, as I type them out,
are dedicated to you,
whoever you are.
Your words give me hope,
whoever it was meant for.
I smile, lost in distant memories.
I will spread the message,
on your behalf.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

Notes to myself 11

2011-10-09T17:07:00.000+05:30

I was at Chepauk last night.

Somerset vs Mumbai Indians.

We walked in twenty minutes into the game because buay saw on tv that the stadium was practically empty and that we could easily get tickets. It was a fairly good match except there wasn't too many people to root for and the spirit was just not there. Nonetheless, it was the best I could do on a saturday night without trying to drown myself in a bottle.

So we are sitting at the match and I spotted this couple sitting a few rows ahead of us.
The seats were empty so I could hear their their conversations.

The guy must've been about 27-28, definitely a cricket enthusiast. He kept walking off to the front of the stands to get a closer look at the proceedings in the field. The girl, his wife ( I could see the mangalsutra and her metti) was about the same age and she wasn't interested in the match at all. She had the prettiest ear rings in all of chepauk - these big flower shaped ones which often cast colorful shadows on her neck whenever she turned to talk to him.
All through the first half of the match I could here her saying "vaanga polaaam. Enakku bore adikkudhu! Please... " and she even managed to generate these fake tears every once in a while with a big smile on her lips. She was always speaking in a childish tone, in a coy, coquettish kinda way. And the guy simply ignored her and continued to watch the match. He walked off atleast four five times, once to get some food which he polished off mostly by himself, and then in the pretext of going to the loo or getting water or some such thing. On all these occasions he quietly walked to the front of the stands and stood amidst the crowds to watch the match, while his wife sat behind with a bored look on her face. And every time he walked back she would get excited and ask him if they could leave. And somehow he convinced her to stay.

Apart from the match, he spent a lot of time on his blackberry. He was either talking to someone or typing something furiously.

I kept glancing at this girl wondering what was going on in her head. She seemed to be pretty calm, and relaxed except for her weak requests to leave.

And the first half ended with Mumbai Indians putting up a traget of 161 for the Somerset boys to chase.
And the second half began and Malinga got two beautiful wickets in his first spell. Stumps went flying, and suddenly this girl, she jumped up and cheered. It was so uncharacteristic of her. She became very excited and was holding this guy's hands and grinning from end to end. She even said something like, "See, i told you he will get the wickets!"

And then the match went on without anything exciting happening for a while. The guy had by then settled down in his seat with his blackberry in his hand and the girl was leaning on his shoulders and trying to doze off. She must've been talking to him quietly into his ears. He put his hands around her and I could see that they were both very comfortable and just like that they had become a perfectly happy couple.

Somerset were doing well for a while but the last four overs changed the game and Mumbai Indians ended up with an easy victory.

And then we left and as I walked away I could see that they were actually a very happy couple.

The two stayed in my mind for a while after we had left.

One, I realised I was jealous of them. I was jealous of the guy. (aside - I have suddenly become this super jealous character who envies everyone and everything these days. It seems to come so naturally to me. I remember a lot of occasions where i had suppressed it, thanks to some misplaced sense of "gentlemanliness", and it has only backfired on me.)

Two, I realised that inspite of everything, there is some sort of a commitment that transcends the trivialities of everyday life. It's not just these two, there are a few others I know too, who like different things in life, who want to be in different places, who are so busy with work that they hardly get time to spend with each other, who spend more time staring at a computer or with their bosses than with their loved ones, still take that extra effort to be with their loved ones even if it is just for a few hours. It may not be a lot of time, it may not even be quality time, but they are willing to compromise everything else for those few hours.

And are happy together.

I know married couples who spend as little as a few hours every week together. I have seen people who hardly talk to each other on the phone during the day and by the time they reach home, they are too tired to even talk for long that they simply doze off in each other's arms. These people take that little extra effort to spend some quality time with each other. Even if it means missing out on an office party or some well deserved weekend sleep.

It amazes me how they manage so well.
But then I suppose this kind of effort comes naturally for those with that kind of maturity and commitment.

I suppose it is unconditional love that keeps these people together.

This is also a lesson in time management.

Lesson learnt.

-------------------------

I am off to Kotagiri tonight.
I will be there for four days and I will get to interact with a lot of kids. I am doing a small theatre workshop for 12-15 year olds and conducting a few story telling sessions for children between classes 1-5.

I am looking forward to this. It will be exciting.

---------------------

That is ofcourse the only respite in an otherwise difficult phase of my life.

It is two fold.

1) there is this insane amount of pressure at work. There are a million things to be done. I am doing everything by myself. And anything I do has a direct impact on my life and on the future of the company. And I am working alone. (If you know me, you know what happens when i am left alone) I have to put together a team soon. A team of 8-10 people. And I will be responsible for them too. Suddenly I have been thrown into something big. It scares the living daylights out of me.

2) then there are my parents. Not a day goes without my mum or dad asking me to get a "real" job - a "steady" one in a Bank or in a "big" company. And not an hour passes by without my dad or mum taking a jibe at what I do. "I had great hopes that you would be studying airplanes or something great. And here you are sitting and reading children's books" or try this one "You are an idiot, a tharuthalai (gone astray) what will you teach the kids? You will be a bad influence on them" and "How are you qualified to be teaching others when you have no qualifications to be of any use on earth". But then, I am glad they still let me live with them and they are generally kind to me and show a lot of concern. Its just unfortunate that they channelize their concern this way.

-------------------------------

I missed this fantastic opportunity to take out all my frustrations in life. A few hours back, I was caught by cops at the adyar depot signal. That's the fifth time in the last 15 days. I have already paid fine thrice, tried playing with their "fine" printing device, and made friends with a few cops. And I got caught again today. For the same reason - No helmet.
I started with "saar, naan naethu dhaan fine kattinaen. please give me a few days time to buy a new helmet"

And then he was like "that's okay. I don't want you to pay any fine. I want you to swear at this other guy we caught who is talking a lot of bullshit"

WTF? And I get down and go to the corner where everyone was standing and this fello, seemed my age, not from Chennai, seemed to be an IT kinda guy, and he was driving a fancy new bike. He had been caught for not wearing a helmet and he was complaining loudly about how the cops are being unfair and had caught only him while there were a lot of others who had been let go.

The cop told me that he was pointing at old men and ladies on bikes who weren't wearing helmets and asking them to stop so that they could pay the fine too.

I wasn't particularly interested in either what the cop had to say nor this guy but for some reason he thought I would sympathise with him. He started off with "see, when government lays new rules it should be uniform and unbiased. These cops are being unfair to me!"
I simply took out my wallet, showed the receipt for the fine I had paid two days back and left.

Then the cop came to me and said, "enna saar neenga. vandhu naalu thittu thittitu povenganu nenachaen. Rendu arai vutturundha kooda thappila. Semma mokkaiya engakittiye rules pesaraan"
(What saar, I was hoping you would swear at him or atleast give him two tight slaps. He is talking too much rules to us)

I wasn't in the mood to get angry or worked up. I just laughed and said "make him pay the fine and let him go sir."

I drove on and reached Gandhi Nagar. I then realised that I had missed a golden chance to take out everything on him.

"You stupid motherfucker. Life is absolutely unfair. You can't be talking rules when you haven't obeyed them yourself. You are earning truckloads and drive a fancy new bike and if you can't buy a helmet for your head I hope you get crushed under a lorry and die. Here I am driving a shitty Kinetic Honda that is probably cheaper than the cost of two helmets. I once owned a helmet which was stolen from me by someone I had trusted and employed. I haven't got my salary in two months. I have exactly a thousand bucks in my pocket that I have to survive with for the rest of this month. I am running around trying to make a living and I pay my fines whenever I am under fault. So yes, Life is fucking unfair. please shut the fuck up and pay your fine and leave."

----------------------

So yes, I had that one chance, and I blew it. I could have probably got him worked up, started a fight and beat the crap out of him and the cops would have been on my side.

They don't come often, these awesome opportunities.

-----------------------

I get very tired these days. I hardly sleep well at nights. I am always tossing and turning. There is too much running on my mind and It is very taxing.

I wish I could simply stop everything and just run away from it all.

But I don't want to do that.
I don't want to give up, however tiring things get.

I have done that in the past, when I gave up on something because i was very tired. I have given up and quit a lot of things where I should have simply grit my teeth and persevered, or changed my strategy or simply spoken things out. But I quit, I walked out. I gave up on a lot of things.

I have regretted it later. I have felt absolutely miserable. I have spent days and weeks feeling bad about it and wallowing in misery, and guilt which slowly turns into self pity. And I have hit the bottle, or smoked like a chimney trying to get over it.

I don't want to do that again.
I won't quit.
I don't want to give up easily.

So the next time I complain to you saying I am tired and that I want to run away or some such thing, simply slap me across the face and remind me that I should never quit. Ok?

Notes to Myself 10

2011-10-08T11:50:00.000+05:30

I think I have finally come to terms with my relationship with this girl.
It is over.

I was struggling with this decision because I was holding on to her like a drowning man. Even though I figured that she doesn't want to be there for me any more, I wasn't ready to let go.

It took me a while to realise that I am not really drowning. So I don't need to hold on to anyone or anything anymore.

Yes, It is sad. And I did cry bucket loads day and night for the last three weeks.

I was heartbroken and disillusioned and lost.

It took me a while to realise that I can't do much after this. She has clearly moved on. I should have fought for her on Sep 21st. I did not. I simply let her have her way and came back home crying like a little kid who lost his favourite toy. I was taken by surprise with all her accusations of not showing love, not caring for her, criticising her too much, and taking her for granted. Maybe I did take her for granted - well we were together for about two years. I can't say I stopped trying, maybe I stopped trying too hard.

But I had the last three weeks to puzzle over the other reasons she gave for breaking up with me. And in the end I think they were only excuses. That she had grown tired of me and wanted a break and was looking elsewhere is the only justification I could come up with.

Then there is the other aspect of her spending a lot of time with people at work and this one boy in particular. I was okay with it because this was her new job and she was getting to spend time with new friends and everything. But over a period of time I think she started spending a lot of time with this boy and maybe I should have asked her not to sleep over at his place... well, I am not sure. But it did hurt me later when she came and told me that she hadn't told him that I was present in her life. Not a word was spoken about me. This came as a little bit of a surprise. And I have spent a lot of time thinking about it and no explanation on her part justifies her actions of completely hiding my presence in her life.

And now I find out from people around and from her own blog that she spends a lot of time with him, sleeping over at his place and going stoned to work. She told me that she liked him and he liked her too. I am not sure if she is already seeing him but I suppose it is just a matter of time.

In retrospect, It seems like she was just bored with me and was looking to move on to someone new and this guy came along at the right time. It seems like that. Maybe it is my imagination. Maybe it is true. I will never know.

But it doesn't matter.

It is over between us.

I must add that a lot of my self doubts played on the relationship. I wasn't sure to begin with if she was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and I wasn't sure if I would be in a position to get married in a year's time. I wasn't sure if i was ready for the big fight that would surely have come up with the two families of staunch opposing religious views. I wasn't sure of a lot of things.

But I was sure that I really really liked this girl. And I was sure that I loved her a lot.

It doesn't matter.

It is over between us.

So I have taken a resolve that I am going to stop stalking her blog a 100 times a day and I am going to remove the stat counter from my blog too which i had installed hoping to see if she visited my blog at all (It looks like she doesn't.) I am going to stop googling for her name everyday to see if she has written something somewhere online. I am going to stop visiting her twitter page. I have already been blocked from facebook and gtalk.

It doesn't matter.

It is over between us.

Those were two fantastic years though. We were a lot of fun. And some great memories that get triggered as i travel around the city. Every corner has a story to tell. And every word and every gesture of mine of reveals her influence. Everyone around me reminds me of her because I had made her an integral part of my life so much so that a "hello how are you?" was usually followed by "how is your girl?" and now these people are taking a conscious effort not to talk about her. It's ironical you know. That people around me had taken us for granted. They just assumed we were gonna be together for ever.

It doesn't matter.

It is over between us.

You know what's my latest nightmare is... that I will see her with that boy at some theatre or beach or restaurant or someplace and I will spot them having a good time and she would suddenly spot me and act all awkward. And maybe it would upset her evening. It will definitely kill me. I really hope I don't bump into her anywhere. Alone or with someone.

It doesn't matter.

It is over between us.

It is over.

-------------------------

"...this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her."

- Neruda.

notes to myself 9

2011-10-06T23:17:00.001+05:30

I have started reading Such A Long Journey by Rohinton Mistry.

And Its a nice feeling to be holding his book. I read A Fine Balance long ago and It was a wonderful experience. I felt comforted. I felt like I was in safe hands.

And I get the same feeling when I hold Such A Long Journey in my hands. It gives me some hope that while I am reading that book, life will be okay. I don't have to worry about feelings that go unexpressed, about sentences that go astray, about syntax and punctuation marks that go amiss.

I know that I am spending time with the work of a master craftsman. His characters are absolutely human, real.
I know that I can relax while I am reading this book. He is so thoroughly engaging that I get transported to his world.
I try to fall asleep with the book on my chest.

Hoping that my dreams won't wake me up.

This book is my safe house. My comfort zone. My own little oasis.

Otherwise, I am lost.

I am scared to let my thoughts wander.

I have this heavy feeling in my head that simply doesn't go away.

--------------------------

I read from end to end this blog titled Sepian Shores. I had stumbled on it ages back and had blogrolled it.

It was a nice read. It felt like I had hung out with this person over a cuppa coffee. The blog is something of a personal diary. Sepian Shores, this girl, she is about 28-29, writes once in a while about the ups and downs in her life and she makes it a point to smile through all of them. She takes pleasure in little things of life like coffee, and badminton and food...

There was something special about the blog.

Thank you, sepian shores.
You made my evening brighter.

note to myself 8

2011-10-06T02:39:00.003+05:30

remember this as the day you called out for help...
from the sanest people you have had the chance to convince that you are sane.
You could definitely use some.

Wisdom of the drunkard

2011-10-06T02:22:00.000+05:30

Never trust anyone.
Especially when you are drunk.

In a moment of weakness he hit me.

And I accepted it as the truth.
It took me a while to realise what it really was.
And by then it was too late.

And there is nothing worse than too late.

Is this the story of my life?

Notes to Myself 7

2011-10-05T01:49:00.000+05:30

Can't believe I have managed to write everyday.
I am almost impressed with myself.
I hope I can make a habit out of this even if most of what I churn out is agonizingly depressive shite.

What if I run out of steam??

What if I lose the motivation to write simply because circumstances change or if I run out of angst?

Surely my dear reader, you have noticed that, haven't you?

That i write only when I am angry/depressed/conflicted/in pain...

I even have a theory about it which I had come up with ages back in one of my long forgotten blogs. The theory went something like this - that people who are happy with themselves seldom blog. I had a lot of points back then to prove it. Now I simply take it as one of my axioms of life.

A person who is in peace with himself will seldom find the need to express himself.

----------------

Something strange happened today.

I received a mail from "Oddity and Light". It was a poem titled "Valediction: A Forbidden Mourning". I really couldn't understand it very much. It had a lot of interesting parts though.

But then I was more intrigued by the email itself. I googled and found that it is a poetry blog. Someone (most probably unknown to me) posts his/her fav poems by famous and lesser known authors in the "Oddity and Light" blog.

And there I found this little poem

It Isn't Time That's Passing
by Ruskin Bond

Remember the long ago when we lay together
In a pain of tenderness and counted
Our dreams: long summer afternoons
When the whistling-thrush released
A deep sweet secret on the trembling air;
Blackbird on the wing, bird of the forest shadows,
Black rose in the long ago summer,
This was your song:
It isn't time that's passing by,
It is you and I.

Isn't it nice? :-)

-----------------------

And today was a lot of shopping and lot of talking.

I bought another bunch of graphic novels.

Some of those were absolute gems.

199 a piece

Joe Sacco - Safe Area Gorazde: Notes from Gaza (I gifted this to buay)

David. B - Epileptic. ( I was dying to get hold of this! You have no idea how many hours I have spent on google trying to track down a scanned version.)

Alex Robinson - Box Office Poison (this book actually costs 1500!)

Appupen - Moonward (fuck. This one was the surprise pick of the lot. Its simply fantastic. Please go lookitup! This guy, George Mathen, is also the drummer of this band called Lounge Pirahna. Wicked, no?)

Sudhir Tailang - No, Prime Minister (a collection of political cartoons about Manmohan Singh)

Brian Talbot - Grandville Mon Amour (according to wiki this is supposed to be a mixture of steampunk, alternate history and thriller genres. I picked it up because I wanted to read something by Talbot; I had heard a lot about his Tale of One Bad Rat)

Dave Sim & Gerhard - Melmoth (5th volume of the Cerebus series.)

Seth - George Sprott (I can't believe I am holding a work of Seth in my hands. I am in awe of this guy.)

Philippe Dupuy - Haunted (Someone describes this as "portrait of the artist as an introspective, solitary man. I had no idea what this book was about when i picked it up. I simply went with the publishers, Drawn & Quarterly)

Tove Jannson - Moomin (again, no clue. Went with gut instincts. This is the collection of only the comic strips by this Swedish-Finn lady illustrator and writer. She has created an entire world based on these white colored hippo looking trolls!)

I can't believe I got luckier this time around.

I hope to go to Spencers, and Citi Center before the sale gets over and bust all my cash and buy till I run out of all my money.

-----------------------

Today is my best friend's birthday. He is turning 26 and he is getting married soon and he is slowly but surely falling in love with this girl. He is a shy boy but this girl is drawing him out, little by little. I am sure they will be a great match.

Ah, I get ring side view of the evolution of their relationship and it is absolutely heartwarming.

He is one of those rare people who I can trust to be on my side thru thick and thin. I am proud that i get to walk the planet with him.
I love you, man.

Many more happy returns of the day.

---------------------

I was lying down in the beach and I overheard a lot of snippets of everyday conversation of people who walked by me. I hope I can recreate it someday and it would make a superb thriller. (something like Where is the friend's home? maybe?)

--------------------

I am so glad I could do my annual ritual with my dad of visiting the nearby Bengal Association during the Dusshera festival. It's probably the only special thing that I share with my dad - our love for Bengali street food (actually I get my foodie-ness from him. He has taken me to so many restaurants and we have had so much fun eating out together. These days he has reduced his eating a lot. He simply sits there with a content smile while he watches me eat...) and I felt really nice that I could take him this year even though he didn't eat much.

He was happy.

:-)

PS: Must take him and mum to Bay Leaf one day.

---------------------

Haha. I just realised that I swing from Love to hate to Love within the span of a few days. Just the other day I wrote this angry piece where I dismissed everyone around me for not letting me brood in peace. And today I am upbeat, cheerful and actually grateful to all the people around me.

Such a simple illusion this life is, no?

Notes to myself 6

2011-10-03T23:02:00.000+05:30

This is a job profile that is waiting to be filled in my company.
I am looking to hire 4-5 people for the role of content developer for the Book Lovers' Program for Schools.

Find below the details.

1) The job involves developing lesson modules in English for a communication program for classes 1st - 8th standard. - The idea of the program is to develop better comprehension, communication and creative thinking abilities in children through story telling, book reading, class discussions, writing and art.

2) These modules are meant for English teachers in schools. They will use these lessons to take classes for their children.

3) Typically, you are expected to read a lot (both online & offline) of children's books and research online about latest teaching techniques and come up with lesson plans based on your reading. Once you have a clear picture of what the lesson is supposed to achieve, (for eg, a lesson based on the popular children's story of Emperor's New Clothes for class 1 would involve a story telling session, followed by reading the book, and then an interactive session about human qualities such as pride and folly and honesty and vanity and clothes and all that, followed by maybe a small skit or a drawing exercise), you should make the lesson module (Title, Overview, Objective, No of classes, material required, class description, Additional Info, etc)

4) Once the lesson module is made, you have to edit it for punctuation, grammar, spelling etc. You need to make sure that the language is of a good standard like that of a textbook.

5) Then the lesson module is "tested" - You teach the same lesson for children in one of the schools we work with. And based on your experience you modify the lesson. You may choose to add a little gist of your personal experience - What worked and what didn't as a guideline for teachers who will be using it later.

6) A tried and tested module is then added to the package which is then sent off to various schools. A module needn't be only about books or storytelling. Any children's game or a theatre game with a learning quotient can also become a module (Eg, one of our modules is the freeze frame exercise which is a standard game in an intro to theatre workshop)

7) If you have a background in theatre and teaching, you will also be sent to conduct workshops and orientation program in schools for teachers and to take demo classes for children.

8) we also plan to conduct regular brainstorming sessions with experienced teachers and theatre professionals.

Additional Info

- It is a full time job. You are expected to put in 45 hours a week (approx 9hrs X 5days a week)

- Our office is inside the IIT Madras campus. It's a lovely place to work.

- This is a new venture of a two year old company. We are in the process of putting together a team of 4-5 content developers.

These are the important questions that I have for you.

a) Do you like reading a lot of books?

b) Do you have a good command over the English language?

c) Are you comfortable with computers, internet and word processors (MS word, Open Office etc)?

d) Do you like children?

e) Do you have an opinion about the current school education system in India?

Please think about these and if you are interested in the job profile please send me a copy of your resume and give me a call and we can arrange a meeting sometime this week.

-------------------------------------------

This would be the perfect opportunity for anyone who wants to work with kids, or who wants to make a career out of writing for children (or otherwise), or teaching, or working with children, or working in the field of education.

Why?

a) there is a vast exposure to children's literature. You get access to and as part of your job you will read a whole lot of stories, books, novels, textbooks etc aimed at children. There is no better way to learn about kids than reading what's meant for them.

b) You will write a lot. You will have to understand how stories work. You will learn, by reading and writing stories, what works with kids and what doesn't.

c) You will get to interact with a lot of kids. And you know the best thing about kids? They are brutally honest. If they don't like you or if you are boring, they will not hesitate to let you know about it. And if they like you, you will be the happiest person on earth. Their affection is therapeutic.

d) You will work in a free and nourishing environment, surrounded by books, surrounded by trees, surrounded by learning, surrounded by like-minded nice warm hearted people.

Sure, I am just starting off, and this is a venture that can go both ways depending on circumstances. But, I believe in it. I have faith that we will do well, I have faith that we will grow big. We have a sound business plan, good amount of funding, and most importantly our intentions are good.

End of hard-sell.

-----------------------

There is absolutely no reason for me to hard sell this job profile. This is literally a dream job for a whole lot of people. And the pay is pretty good too.

I think I had someone in mind when i started typing this out. Someone who once told me "I want to be a children's writer one day". I am sure this person is going to make it, too.

It's just ironical that I get to write for kids, before she does. And that I am pursing a career which will, god willing, actually have a positive impact on a lot of children's lives. And a career in writing for children would be a natural progression for me, after this.

Hahahahahahaha.

Wish me luck.

Notes to Myself 5

2011-10-03T00:20:00.000+05:30

I picked up this book of translation of ancient Sanskrit poems at a Landmark sale.
And the second poem I read hit me and I am still reeling in its impact.

Her quick eyes
and animated mouth
unsettle me.
So, of course,
her lifted breasts,
full lips -
soft fruits of desire.
But why should a
single wisp of hair,
stroked beneath her
navel like
some unforgettable
line of poetry,
reduce me to such
anguish?
- Bhartrihari

And there were a few more gems too. For example,

This time let me
be the lady
you play the lover--

to which the girl
protests
shaking her head
but eyes
wide like a
deer's eyes she threads
a bracelet onto
his wrist
-Anonymous

Wow, no? And check this one out.

Little gasps
of breath,
her eyelids barely parted,
bristling skin
and beads of sweat--

above love's temple waves
love's banner,
and I
can only bow my head
at the mysterious change
a woman
undergoes--
- Anonymous

And this...

A snatch of dream,
a juggler's contrivance--
making love to her
lasts a flickering instant,
then disillusion.
A hundred times
I tell myself this
but still can't forget
those antelope eyes.
-Dharmakirti

And this is pretty clever.

Once again
you mount this playful
woman's breasts and touch
the tender region
along her thighs.
Closing one arm around you
she draws forth
your pleasure
with measured strokes
of her hand.
Some other lifetime
what austerities
did you practice, O sitar,
to win this reward?
-Vacaspati

And this one is for you, my love.

Last year and each
year before,
birdsong and spiced wind
blew down from the
Kerala hills.
But restless, unbridled,
my wits, friend,
have never been
so distracted as this year.
-Utpalaraja

This one is for me.

Fate is a cruel
and proficient potter,
my friend. Forcibly
spinning the wheel
of anxiety, he lifts mosfortune
like a cutting tool. Now,
having kneaded my heart
like a lump of clay,
he lays it on his
wheel and gives a spin.
What he intends to produce
I cannot tell.
-Vidya

I can only wonder how fantastic these would sound in Sanskrit. And to think these were written atleast a thousand years back...
Sigh.

----------------------------------

Starting tomorrow, I run.
Wish me luck.

Wisdom of the Drunkard

2011-10-02T00:43:00.003+05:30

" chinna chinna anbil thAne jeevan innum irukku "

sings Yesudas.

In those little pleasures does life continue to be.

As we drive along, getting drunk sip by sip, I hear these words and realise that, off late, I have been skipping all those little pleasures of life.

And later when I am questioned wtf is wrong with me, why am i making excuses to get drunk and why am i throwing my life away so easily, I try explaining my state of mind to him and he refuses to listen to me.

He makes it very clear that I need to put an end to this.
A lot of people around me are worried.
This is not a version of me that they see often. And they want to know what it is that they can do to get me out of this.

It's heartbreaking you know. That a man can't dwell in his sorrows for too long. He can't brood. He can't waste time in longing. He can't pour his thoughts out without being answerable to all those he spoke to/all those who read what he had to write. He needs to be alright all the bloody time. He needs to be upbeat, he needs to keep up his spirits, he needs to have a smile on his lips all the fuckin time.

Well, thank you so much for your concern. I really appreciate all the effort you are putting in to make sure I am okay.

I am absolutely okay.

I am no more of an addict than you. I am no more depressed than you are. I am most certainly in no bigger dump than you seem to be thriving in.

You know what? I am actually sorry that I came and spoke to you about my life. Remind me to punch myself in the gut next time I bring up anything about my personal life that isn't up to your satisfaction.

Also, stop reading my blog if it bothers you so much.

And stop me mid sentence if you aren't going to listen to me without being judgmental.

Let me remind you of something very basic, yet very difficult to comprehend.

I don't live by your rules.

If you think I am wasting away, well, I am only wasting away my own bloody life and you sadly can't do much about it.

What the fuck happened to all your sense of humour?
Can't a guy write what he feels like in his own goddamn blog without being taken too seriously?

Just because I talk about violence doesn't make me a terrorist. Just because I look at a little girl on the street and say, "oh how cute!", doesn't make me a pedophile. Just because I drink, doesn't make me an alcoholic. Just because I tell you what's happening in my life, it doesn't make me weak.

Well, here's the joke of the day.
That little pleasure that Yesudas so earnestly sings about.

From me, to you.

Get a life.

Lazy, Stupid, Boring.

2011-10-01T11:50:00.001+05:30

I come here to write something very insightful and the thought simply slips away.
I am lost in a collage of words that flood my thoughts and leave me gasping.
I want to say something that I realised last night. It had a lot to do with this particular person who I thought I knew very well until I was hit by a curve ball out of the blue.
Ah yes. I think I nailed it.
It's boredom.

I suppose that is what happened with us. Law of diminishing returns. There were more interesting challenges elsewhere. At work, at after work conversations, at late night drinking sessions, after a few puffs of that green thing, there was a need to be present and observant and fully immersed. Because it was new, because it was exciting, because it was important for selfish reasons. It was either that or coming back home to the same old gruel and cold potatoes and that hard bed filled with bugs and covered with dirty sheets.
It was once a new home, full of promise and excitement. We just got used to it pretty fast.

The other thing is the need to be constantly surprised. I would blame it on the times we live in. It's all about rushing through life, meeting deadlines, working hard, rushing out of work, partying hard, getting exhausted and going to sleep. And waking up and rushing headlong into the routine. In all this rush, where do we have time to be ourselves? we only have time to watch the latest fad on youtube, or read the latest post that went viral on facebook.

I suppose I wasn't ready or qualified enough to compete with the likes of youtube and marijuana and the giant world of gossip. And I am not good at competing with anyone other than myself.

And I surely didn't have the time. Because I am a part of this mad rush too, you know?

It wasn't a conscious choice. It simply happened the way monsoons happen. The way the Sun goes down. On its own. Unnoticed.

The question that used to puzzle me was "at what point did i stop trying to please you?". And I suppose the answer to that is two fold. I stopped trying hard. And there were others who were out to please you more.

I am reminded of this scene from Crazy Stupid Love (2011).
haha, yeah trust me to relate every goodamn scene from every goddamn movie to whats happening in life.

Steve Carell - I miss you Em. I made an effort when we were younger, didn't I? I mean, miniature golf and dancing. You were such a great dancer.
Julianne Moore - I had to be. You were such a good miniature golfer.
Steve Carell -I just, I don't know, I guess I got lazy. I got boring, is what I got.
Julianne Moore - No. No.
Steve Carell - And I'm so mad at you. I'm really mad at you for what you did. But I'm mad at myself too. Because I should not have jumped out of that car. I should have fought for you. Because you fight for your soulmates.

It so nicely captures that feeling of helplessness when you just watch something slip out of your hands unable to really do anything about it.
It leaves you with nothing to do except to rant day after day and feel sorry for yourself.

But hey,
One Life.
Shit Happens.
This too Shall Pass.

Notes to Myself 4

2011-09-30T23:59:00.000+05:30

Binged today too.
Thanks to a msg from a friend that informed me about this mega sale at Landmark, I went there and bought books for about 1600 bucks.

I bought
Graphic Novels
Jason Lutes - Jar of Fools
Craig Thompson - Goodbye, Chunky Rice
Jeffrey Brown - Little Things: A memoir in slices
William Messner Loebs - Journey - The adventures of Wolverine MacAlistaire
Matt Madden - Exercises in Style - 99 ways to tell a story
Larry Gonick - Cartoon guide to Genetics
Jeremy Love - Bayou (Zuda Comics)

Each 199 flat.

Non-graphic books
Andrew Schelling - Dropping the Bow - Poems from Ancient India

Ring Lardner - Best of Ring Lardner
Divisadero - Michael Ondaatje

These cost another 200 put together.

First set of graphic novels I own.
I am a happy man.

I remember telling her a year and a half back at one of the landmark sales that very soon I will come back and buy books to my heart's content.
That day just happened.
It took a while getting there though.

-----------------------
Thats two days of over indulgence.
And the weekend is just here.
Tomorrow and day after is going to be a food + movie binge.
I am leading this life that I certainly can't afford. And I don't mean monetarily. Its just the kind of lifestyle that will have great repercussions at a later stage in life.

Whatever. That's just guilt's voice from a distant corner.
SHUT UP, guilt!
-----------------------------
But i think I know what I am doing.
I am trying to compensate.
For my loss.
By crowding my room with Books and DVDs.
I am trying not to let myself think too much.

That's just rationale's voice from a distant corner.
SHUT UP, rationale.
------------------------------
But it was a fairly unproductive day as far as work is concerned.
Not good.

That's just my sense of duty's voice from a distant corner.
SHUT UP, sense of duty.
----------------------------
I am looking to hire.
I know exactly the people who would be a fantastic fit for the job profile I have.
It's just that these people won't agree.
Sigh.
--------------------
My to do list is ever increasing.
And October is already here.
--------------------
It's amazing how the things I wanted to write about slowly disappear from my head once I have had my dinner.
--------------------------
I am a brain, Watson. The rest of me is a mere appendix. - Sherlock Holmes.
------------------

OH SHIT. My phone fell into a bucket of water.
Fuck.

How convenient?

Notes to myself 3

2011-09-29T23:35:00.001+05:30

DVDs. Truck loads of them.
I binged. Bought like 120 of them.
At ten/twenty bucks a piece.
Total expense 1600.
Thanks Chinni for the heads up. I wish I had listened to you two months back.
----------------------------------

I miss her terribly and I constantly worry about her.
Who wouldn't?

-----------------------------

I went to HLC international school today and met Mr.Srikanth there. He is T.M.Krishna's bro. And it's a very small world. I think he likes the idea. Let me sell it to him and then come back and gloat.

----------------------------

I finally have some faith. And some belief. And some hope. That I might just do well for myself.

Pls do remind me every time you meet me to work my ass off though. Will you?

------------------------

Another evening spent with Bala. We spoke about things we like. Movies, and books and people from history and theatre, and acting and a li'l bit of gossip.

In a surprising moment of honesty I told him about my personal life. He was surprised. But never said anything.

-----------------------------
Here's a shameful secret.
I weighed 90 kilos the last time i checked.
That nine zero.
For the first time in my life.

I am going to join a gym. And run and run and run.
Please help me lose weight. please no?

My target is to become 75 kilos by end of 2011.

--------------------------------------------
On the way back from his place I realised something. I have this constant need for a mentor. I need someone to keep telling me that they are doing something worthwhile. And that's what makes me want to do something worthwhile with my life. (may or may not be what my mentor is doing) It's like I need to know that there is some sort of a purpose to life and I need to reassure myself that people around me who I look up to are doing something with a purpose.

The days I don't have a mentor, the days they are out of my mind are most certainly the days that I aimlessly waste away.

-----------------------------

Corollary to previous realisation is this - I always look for purpose in people around me. I almost entirely base my life on them. I am of this theory that life is quite meaningless and that one must find someone with a purpose and just stick to them and ride along with them and help them out and in the process find some happiness.

If you leave me alone in an island I would most probably just set everything on fire and die in like half a day.

---------------------------------

I am waiting to see how I am going to act up. I am almost certain that I will. Historically speaking, I have always acted up under current circumstances.

This time around... I am just waiting for the right moment. Or inspiration. Or some such thing.

-----------------------------

I am scared, you know? Of myself. For myself.
I am scared I am gonna end up on the streets one day.
I am scared that I will kill someone or be the cause of someone's death.
I am scared that I will run away from the most important people in my life right when they need me.
I am scared that I will be forgotten very soon.

Most of all, I am scared I will be someone mediocre.

Notes to Myself 2

2011-09-28T23:41:00.002+05:30

Dude, you definitely need to stop ranting to B-boy and hogging all his time.
Man finally has a life and a wife (to be) and all.
Let him talk to her in peace.

--------------------

Cops in Chennai are actually decent people after you pay them their due.
And they are now using a hand held device for collecting fines and giving out receipts that I saw from close quarters. Its a pretty neat device. And they are using docomo sim to connect to the server thru gprs.

It feels good to be booked finally.

------------------------

Doubts doubts, setbacks setbacks.

Ha.
Inspite of being a non believer, I keep thinking there are things like good time and bad time and i am surely going thru a super rotten time!
Apart from personal ones, work seems to be suffering setbacks as well.

Keep fingers crossed and wish me luck, please?

Sigh.
Wake me up when September (and October) ends.

-----------------------

All you need is love.
Love is all you need.
Love is all you need.

I get by with a li'l help from my friends...

Yesterday...

Across the Universe.

Some of the Beatles numbers that came into my head today at various points.

---------------------------

Dude, get back on Shelfari.
I am reading a lot these days.
Need to keep track.

------------------------

Bala's place. Every time I go there, it feels like I am going back home.

--------------------

Maids - Jean Genet. Wow. Such a fantastic script. I am sure it's gonna be an awesome play too. And as usual, very few people will come see it. And even fewer would get it.

It's amazing though. the man never gives up.

And when i put the whole speech that my prof gave me in his context, it makes so much sense. My prof explained this to me in very simple terms.

There are three things to life - paNam, paer, pugazh. (Money, Name & Fame)

And the guy genuinely interested in what he is doing is not after PaNam or Pugazh. He is only after establishing a name for himself in the field he is working in. He is only looking to get recognized as someone who is good at what he is doing. He isn't bothered too much about the other two. They may come, they may not. But let that not bother you. Make sure you work so hard and so well that you will get recognized.

And he added, make sure you are doing something that you really like. It can happen in two ways. one, you let your heart lead your head, ie, you like something a lot (writing, music, arts, theatre, gossip etc) and you figure out with your head how to go about pursuing a career in your field of liking.
two, You let your head lead your heart - you know that you are good at something (math,accounts,research,arts, writing, digging holes in the ground, etc) and your brain tells you that it makes logical sense to follow a career in that field because you can make some name and money in it, and then you convince your heart to like it.

The catch here is to find that thing that you really like doing.
Otherwise it really doesn't matter.

Oh and getting back into the context,the man has never been deterred by lack of money or fame. He just loves doing what he does and he pursues it day and night, week after week, month after month.
Very Inspiring.

------------------------

But what about lazy bums like me who like to watch life as it goes by? :)

------------------------

Notes to myself 1

2011-09-27T23:49:00.002+05:30

Went to Mehta Nagar Bookshop

The lady at the shop: Vaanga saar. Epdi irukkeenga. Enna romba naala aalaye kaanum?
Me: Hi! Epdi irukkenga. Adhu dhaan ippo vandhutaene!
Lady: Avanga varaliya?
Me: (smiling to myself at the irony) Avanga varala. (and as an afterthought) Avanga velaila romba busy aa irukkanga.

I continue browsing books.
After a while.

Lady: Saar!! Enna ivvalo gundaaiteenga?! Neenga modhala varumbodhu evvalo olli kuchiyaa irrupeenga theriyuma? Ippo ivvalo gundaiyiteenga.
Me: (I become puppy shame) heh heh. Aaamam. Ippo oru edathula okkandhu velai seiyaraen. Saaptu saaptu thoongaraen. Adhdhaan.
Lady: (giggles)

I bought for a sum of 270 rupees the following.

1) Ed Mcbain - Hail, Hail, The Gang's All Here! (An 87th Precinct mystery)
2) Bertolt Brecht - The Good Person of Szechwan
3) Daydreamer - Romantic Adventure Library No.268 (WOW! okay so there is absolutely no info online about this book. Its a b/w comic which has handsome men and pretty women and some indian looking guy and some adventure happening)
4) Peter Lovesey - The False Inspector Dew
5) Steve Jackson & Ian Livingstone - Midnight Rogue (its my first Fighting fantasy gamebook!)
6) Vidya Pradhan - The Milkman's Cow
7) Asha Nehemiah - The Rajah's Moustache (this and the book above won top awards in the read out loud/picture books category in competition for writers of children's books organised by Children's Book Trust, CBT)
8) Aravind Adiga - Between the Assassinations
9) Amit Chaudhuri - Freedom Song
10) Bhavna Chauhan - Where Girls Dare
11) Rohinton Mistry - Such a Long Journey

They came upto 290. And the lady gave me a 20 buck discount.

---------------------------------

A quote that I contemplate often came back into my head today.
Its a proverb and it goes "never look a gift horse in the mouth".
I keep wondering when is it okay to look a gift horse in the mouth? maybe two years after you got it as a gift? Is it okay to look then?

-----------------------------------
It stuck me recently that your emotional dependency on people is way more than normal. I realised this when I was driving to Mehta Nagar. I figured that the only reason I am so depressed in life is because I feel like someone took away my safety blanket. Now I feel so naked and vulnerable to the forces of life. I am scared they would get me before I can get the blanket back around me.
----------------------------------
The boy who could never relate to most of my depressed rants is falling in love. He is slowly getting to know what it is to be emotionally involved with a woman (that is not his mum). It is always so cute to hear stories about the blossoming of love, especially first love. It is in a way reassuring. You know, the big deal about having faith in life and keeping hope and stuff? This is the kinda story that works well in those situations.
--------------------------------------------------
When it comes to moving on, how soon is too soon?
When is it okay to hold hands, cuddle up, sleep with another person after a break up? A week? A month? two months? I keep wondering if it is time bound at all. If you make up your mind and there is someone around waiting for you, then i would say two and a half hours. Go watch a movie (90mins) and get drunk/stoned and have dinner (an hour or so) and get right on with life.
note to self - ask the J about her take on this.
-------------------------------------------
The age old question of purpose of existence has been bothering me again ever since last month. knowing fully well that there isn't any purpose doesn't really help. The loss of my greatest illusion so far has really put me in a fix. Now I have to build another one from scratch. Or go back to my old one. Neither seems to be possible. Wtf are you gonna do dude?? Machi, nee tholanja po.
--------------------------------------
It's a great struggle to keep malice out of my heart. Its nearly impossible not to build this ridiculous anger against someone whom I have never met. Even if i am fairly confident that this person played a crucial role in fucking with someone's head, I feel ashamed to give this random person so much credit. Are you telling me that some fello did a better job of convincing someone madly in love with you to walk away in approximately two months? Really? Wow. Come on, take a little more credit dude. You saw this coming. You played a big role in it. You let this happen to you. Stop playing the victim.

Okay. Fair enough. I am not altogether innocent.
But what about fair play? What about benefit of doubt? What about... having faith, and keeping hope and all that bullcrap?
What about the two years that I invested in this? Are you telling me that people around me are gonna keep doing this thing where they ask me to get out whenever they feel like it? Are you telling me there is a pattern here that I am supposed to figure out and be aware of?

Aren't I cynical enough as it is?

Are you telling me that I used up all my second chance coupons in 2007-2009? Are you telling me that people have been super lenient with me so far and all the niceties were back when I was on the other side of twenty and henceforth people are gonna start shitting all over me the minute I start acting up?
Remember, I am not innocent. Everything that's happening to you is because of you.

Hmmm... be warned man. The ride's just starting.

My Dear Naresh

2011-09-27T22:52:00.001+05:30

Okay. So I am gonna stop writing letters to random people.
Because these letters aren't meant for them.
And these letters are not gonna be read anymore.

So I will write notes to myself.
That makes so much more sense.

Take care man.
And hold on tight.
The ride's just starting.

Suresh

My dear Dinesh

2011-09-26T23:25:00.001+05:30

Its been a while. How was your weekend?

I left friday afternoon to bangalore. I reached by around 9 and we had dinner at ashwin's place. After that Buay and I left to his place. On the way I picked up half a bottle of Royal Stag and Pepsi.

Buay lives in this amazingly huge residential colony/apartment complex. There are supposedly 650 houses inside his complex. It was massive. It was overwhelming.

The first impressions of his house was very positive. Its a small single bedroom place. There is a hall and on the far right there is a kitchen and next to that the only bedroom. On the left of the hall is the loo. Thats all. It was a simple house.

We freshened up and i mixed my drink in the pepsi bottle and we stepped out for a walk around the apartment. Thats when It actually hit me how big it was.

We got back and settled down in his bedroom. There are no furniture in his house. The hall is empty except for the tv and its stand. (which btw doesn't work because he has no cable connection) The kitchen is okay. he has a stove and a hot plate and everything but he rarely uses his kitchen. The bedroom has a cupboard on one side and the other wall is a window that opens out to a lovely view of the apartment complex. His bedroom has just one bed and a charpoy.

We watched Dr.Strangelove. Have you seen it? Pls do whenever you get the chance. Its super.

We woke up early next day. And we had absolutely nothing to do. So I got drunk again. By about 9-30am I was drunk dialing people asking them to tell me where I can go score in blore. I even called Sathya in the US. lol.

We lazed around and went for a late lunch to Bhagini & had andhra meals. This is a strange story. Apparently I had been to that place once before with Ashwin & buay for lunch and I had absolutely no recollection of that. No memory at all. I kept arguing with buay and we even called up Ashwin to confirm. He said we had been there once.
Why don't I remember anything then?

Came back home and slept. Ashwin came and woke us up later. Then their colleagues joined us. We then played cards. At 8-30 we left for Kurt's budday party.

Kurt is their colleague. Genial guy from a very sweet family. We were joined later by his friends. 30 something fun loving bunch of boys. We were drinking there from 9pm to 4am. We cut cake at 12 and even gave Kurt budday bumps.

Next morning we woke up very late. I had a long bath to get rid of my hangover and then buay and I headed to Taco Bell for lunch. Its at the Sony World junction at Kormangala.

Taco Bell is worth a try. We got out and then i dragged buay to the toy store across the road.

I got in and my eyes welled up and I had to struggle to keep the tears at bay.

Whereas buay was so mesmerised by the remote control cars they had. A million thoughts ran thru my head. Of how you would have loved it there and how we would have spent a few hours happily in there, longingly looking at all the toys and reminiscing. I thought of all the toys I have had and all those I so badly wanted but never got my hands on... I thought of all the things I had missed out in my childhood and before I could start feeling bad about it, i remembered this small "tankie" thats there in my Golu set.

That tankie was my dad's priced possession. I don't think my dad had any other toy other than this tankie. Its a small brown colored one where the barrel moves back and forth as the tank moves forward. And it is still there in his possession. I suddenly felt very sad. I felt sad for all that my dad missed out on and all the sacrifices he had to make to provide for his family, to provide for me. I remembered my mum telling me long back when I was much younger that my dad's family was very poor and they had a lot of stomachs to feed and that my dad has gone without food on many days. I remembered my mum telling me how he walked long miles to college and his only possession were three sets of white dhoti and shirts. I remembered my mum telling me that he studied on a govt loan and that he repaid it within two years of finishing college. I remembered how he gave up his dream of becoming an artist to support his brothers and sisters. I remembered how my dad and mum decided after great deliberation to abort their second child because they thought that I was more important and that they may not be able to provide for another son or daughter. I remember my mum telling me how after this heartbreaking decision my dad decided to get a Vasectomy.

We then got out and got into Chroma. I looked around without any interest at some of the latest gadgets - awesome smartphones, uber cool laptops and all-in-one desktops.

I was in this blah mood for a while. Then buay decided to take me to Total Mall near his place. Thats a super massive shopping center. Its really huge. Like half a km in length and four floors. We roamed around there for a while.

I imagined furnishing buay's place and making it my own. I saw this very nice cot and table set which i thought would suit his place very well. I picked out matching bedsheets and curtains. I imagined getting married to you, moving into that place, decorating it with all our wedding gifts, both of us working in bangalore; I imagined coming back home early and making a surprise dinner for you of dosa and fish curry. And once it became dark, we would go for a quiet walk around the apartment, holding hands, and talking about our day and speculating what the people in the other apartments were upto...
I imagined coming back home and cuddling up with you in our two seater couch and watching a movie till you dozed off.

And I imagined all of this and I became very jealous of buay. I wished I could swap places with him. Oh I forgot to tell you, our man is slowly falling in love. Its very cute. And the girl is already in love with him. They are both up late messaging each other, getting to know each other. Its very heartwarming you know. Something similar is happening with ashwin too. Except I didn't get to see it at close quarters. You know how buay has this very cute smile that makes him look like he knows a secret that nobody else does? Well, if you saw him now, thats what he would look like. :-)

We roamed around Total Mall and shopped for some vegetables and fruits and I missed you terribly. I felt this sudden urge to bring you to bangalore and take you to this mall.

We got out and got back home. There was a bottle of Vat 69 that we had bought the previous day and having nothing better to do, I got drunk.

And I spoke a lot. I spoke a lot to buay as we drove from home to his office to get print out of my tickets and then to dinner at Panjabi Tadka and back home. I spoke all this while about my life. I told him about my plans for the next to years, the new company and my hopes and dreams for it. I told him about my depression and I told him why this is the most difficult phase of my life so far and I told him about you and me.

We then changed topics and continued talking about random things until we dozed off.

We got up in the morning, and he dropped me at the station and I got the train and got back home today.

It broke my heart to see that I have been removed from your blogroll and that you are going to stop writing to me. I understand that you want to move on. I respect that.

But I think I will keep writing. I am writing for you. And I am writing for myself. Somedays it's for me and somedays its for you. I want to hold on to this for dear life. It may not do me much good. But I want to do it because it matters to me. Because it is important for me. Simply because I want to do it.

I want to remember this phase of my life. I want to record all my thoughts. I want to be able to read all of this some day and remember how much I cared about someone in my life. For all I know, I may not care so much again about anybody else. My memory is bad but I want to record as much of it as i can before I forget and before life takes over and before time heals all wounds.

Thats why I want to keep writing.

take care. I hope you are alright. I hope you are having a good time otherwise.

love, hugs and kisses
Suresh.

My Dear Nareh

2011-09-23T22:34:00.003+05:30

I am in bangalore.

I reached at 9 and buay came to pick me up.

We came off to ashwin's place for dinner.
Theres a t20 champions league match on tv.

I chanced upon this today just before leaving.
It helped me thru the train journey.

Have a nice weekend.

Love,

Suresh.

PS:I would have typed out a longer letter. but buay wants to go home soon. will hopefully write a little more tomorrow.

My Dear Taruna

2011-09-23T00:51:00.000+05:30

How are you?
How is work?
How was your vacation?

Let me keep this short.

I had a rejuvenating, refreshing conversation with my prof today. He told me to pursue with conviction whatever i believe in and to work my ass off. Its exactly what i wanted to hear even if it is right off the shelves.

I saw Crazy, Stupid, Love. You should watch it.
I think I subscribe to that theory (in the movie).

Cheers
Suresh

PS: I want to write well thought out stuff. Not just off the top of my head.

My dear

2011-09-21T23:19:00.003+05:30

I am not sure who this is meant for.

I am lost.

I am defeated.

I am tired.

Goodnight.

Suresh.

Dear Ashwin

2011-09-20T23:09:00.000+05:30

You know what's been a major motivating factor for me to continue writing? Blogger has an awesome new interface. I used to hate the old one. Now its so clean and supremely usable.

Hello man.
How it goes?

My day was okay. More or less. I spent a major portion of it staring at an excel sheet. I made it from scratch today. And to think that this sheet of numbers is gonna determine my life for the next 18 months is a little scary. But its empowering too, because in a way, i get to choose my destiny.

Today was some function at home. My mum had invited Revathy athai home for lunch. There was special food too. Vadai, Paruppu pradhaman, kathrikka kootu, vazhaikka usili, pooshnikka sambar, rasam and raitha, and rice and curd. It was a feast on a leaf.

My mum exhausts herself putting these function feasts together. Its a lot of time spent in front of the stove and on top of that she has all these madi-aacharam mannaangatti (sand-cake) issues. I suggested to her at a later point that I will get her a cook (a pious, clean brahmin woman at that) and she flatly refused it. She won't be okay with any intrusions into her fortress. But then she confessed so humbly that this is her only duty in the house and if i took that away from her, then she would be quite jobless.

And at that moment I sort of understand what she means. I know what it feels like to take away the only 'purpose' in life. Please don't think I am exaggerating if i say that I going thru a bout of purposelessness right now.

I tried counter arguing that she could get a new hobby, like read books, or visit temples or hang out with other aunties in the area, and so on. She said, she could do all that but none of that would match the satisfaction she gets out of feeding us. She then went all mega-serial on me and declared that the day she is unable to get up and walk to the kitchen i should go look for a cook.

The rest of my day was also about the excel sheet. You know what. I don't trust the guy i sent the sheet to. I think he is going to put personal interest ahead of the company's. I honestly don't trust him. I hope for the sake of the company that I am wrong. I keep hearing these distant warning bells go off everytime i interact with him. But that could be more from the mistrust that happened over our personal tiff more than anything else. I am not sure anymore.

I then took my dad to the temple. While i waited outside, I spoke for a longtime with buay and rashwin. OH!!!! I almost forgot to tell you dude.
I am going to B'lore this weekend!!!!!!
I think I need this vacation. To say that I have had a rough month would be putting it mildly. So the plan is for me to take the Lalbagh Express on friday at 3-30pm which will drop me off at K.R.Puram by about 9pm. Buay has promised to pick me up and take me to dinner and then home. Saturday will be lunch at rashwin's place - his parents are in blore. So homemade lunch and then evening we are attending their colleague Kurt Gilby's budday party. We intend to get super drunk and pass out at his place. Sunday morning means Oil massage and head bath and then Andhra meals. Sunday night I am taking the train back to chennai.

I want to meet a few people too. Maybe i will meet Brinda. I want to meet Rehaz. I am not sure if he would pick up my calls though. I want to go congratulate him on his new job and maybe buy him a beer. I doubt if that will happen. I want to goto Blossom and buy truck loads of books. I doubt if i will do that. I want to goto Corner House and have death by chocolate. I doubt if i will get there.

But more than anything else, I want to take you along to blore....

I am sorry to put you thru emotional crap like this man. I miss you and I hope I will get to meet you sometime soon. I know things haven't been great between us, but I am sure we can put all of that behind someday and be what we were... Best friends for life. If you need me to sign on the dotted line someday, I am sure I will be ready very soon. In about half a year? ~~But it is really your choice.~~

How was your day like? I know you are doing great at work and I am very proud of you, dude. You are growing at an amazing speed that sometimes startles me. In a year, you will be ready to do great things... Do your own thing, or move on to bigger roles and eventually realise your dream. Not very far off. And nothing is going to stop you. Not me, not your family pressures, nobody can stop you. I have heard that determination in your voice. You have what it takes and you can do it. Just make sure you never doubt yourself. Not for a second, ok?

Take care man. Enjoy yourself. I know you need a vacation too. Please take one as soon as possible. Go for a trip to pondy or something, with friends... Or goto a nice quiet hillstation or a beach resort with someone you want to be with. And just forget about all that went wrong and forget about all your work issues and just chill the fuck out. I know you need it.

Peace out, bro.
Suresh.

PS: On a completely different note http://www.facebook.com/ChennaiRTFF
http://sudhishkamath.com/2011/09/20/chennai-roof-top-film-festival-revival-heist-night/
Check these out. There is a potential story somewhere in it.

My Dear Nirmala

2011-09-20T10:01:00.002+05:30

I am late and I am drunk.

My day was mostly shitty.

It was majorly wasted in pointless pursuits and aimless wanderings.

I spent it watching MMS clips off some 3gp site and then later in the evening I went with my dad for a preview show to watch a yet to be released movie which was pretty much along the same lines.

And then I went drinking with Sid.
He challenged me. He said i was wasting my life. He asked me to risk it and goto New jersey or London or more practically goto Bombay where he said I should slog like a donkey for a year till I figure out what I am worth.

And he even said go apply to Mukesh, of the Ambani family.

I dunno if it was just drunk talk or if he really meant it. I am guessing he really meant it.
It was a lot to think about. I admit, he is right. I think I am wasting away. I should challenge myself. If I don't do it now, I will never be able to do it ever.

You know what, I think I just might. I just might.

And sometime during the day, i found this little piece online titled "HOW TO EMPOWER YOUR DAUGHTER"

Let your daughter get dirty. Children need to explore the world around them and be physically active. Science, nature, sports, arts, and crafts--all these important parts of growing up entail getting dirty.

Give her time to try to do a task herself rather than "rescue her" by giving advice or doing it for her. Encourage her to be persistent in working out her own solutions.

Encourage your daughter to state her opinions and thoughts, and listen respectfully to what she says. If she has trouble speaking out in class, practice with her at home and help her plan strategies for the classroom.

Notice how you compliment girls. Typically girls get compliments on what they wear or how they look, while boys get compliments on what they do. Try to give compliments on specific accomplishments, not general qualities. "Your speech had a powerful opening," not "You are a good speaker."

Encourage her to participate in sports. Give her the support to join a team sport. Show her you value physical fitness and strength in girls and women.

Watch television together and discuss the portrayal of women, how realistic it is, what messages it sends. Extend this to movies, videos, magazines, and computer games.

Find ways to help your daughter develop math, science, and computer skills. Provide games that develop spatial skills such as puzzles, model kits, checkers and chess, etc. For older girls, look into after-school classes or summer camps on math, science, and computers.

See that she learns some mechanical, building, and repairing skills, and becomes familiar with tools. Give young girls blocks and simple tools. Have older girls learn to repair bicycles and encourage them to take apart old appliances, etc.

Emphasize the importance of developing talents and interests. Such pastimes give girls pleasure and a self-image that doesn't rely on appearances, popularity, or relationships. Girls need to be good at doing things as well as at dealing with people.

Examine your expectations for girls and boys. Do you give boys more leeway to be rowdy, physically active, outspoken? Do you expect girls to be more domestic, caring, polite, thoughtful? Do you expect boys to help with outdoor tasks and girls with indoor ones?

Introduce her to strong female role models. Expose her to a variety of career possibilities and women who enjoy their work. Teach her to assume she will have to make her own living someday, as most women do. Participate in Take Our Daughters to Work Day in April!

Support your daughter in pursuing her interests and in taking risks. Be ready to help, but encourage her to make her own decisions and choices. Praise her for her intelligence, abilities, and initiative as well as hard work and dedication. Most of all, believe in her.

I think, I did many of those things for you, my dear Nirmala. You may differ, but I definitely did work along the lines of the article above. I was very protective of you, but I let you explore the world too. I watched you get your hands dirty, I taught you little things I knew, I helped you understand the person that you are, I supported you in your pursuits, I encouraged you to try harder, to push yourself, to set high goals, to believe in yourself.
And most of all, I listened to you. To everything you had to say. Very patiently.

I hope you are enjoying your day off. I hope you had fun last night.

I hope you get to spend time with people you like, with boys you fancy... without being silly about it. You are a big girl now, Nirmala. I understand that you are attracted to boys your age/boys elder to you. Its quite natural.

I hope you know that I am not going to prevent you from pursuing these boys. I hope you know that I am here for you, if you wish to talk about it. Sure, I am no expert in these topics, but I am willing to listen to you, without being judgmental, without getting angry in the pretext of being protective.

Like i said, its quite natural and I will not stop you from talking to boys or spending time with them even though it makes me very jealous to think that one day my precious little girl will be swept off her feet and carried away into the sunset by some lucky fello.

Take care my lovely little one.

You will always be my favourite thing in the world.

lots of warmth, love and hugs,
Suresh

My dear Fauzia

2011-09-18T22:11:00.004+05:30

How are you, my pretty one?
Is sunday treating you well, my love?

Last night at around 12-30 it started raining pretty heavily. I hope you were safely indoors and enjoying the rains from a distance. I couldn't sleep too well for a long time. The flashes of lightning and the whiplash of thunder kept me awake. I was worried for all those on the road, getting back home after saturday night's party. I was worried you might have got stuck in the rains like the last time. And most of all, i was worried about myself.
A brilliant flash of lightning showed a reflection of me cowering under my sheets, afraid of the wrath of nature, the fury of the winds. I realised I am not a strong person. I am not brave enough to tread new waters all by myself. I realised that I am not going to become the great person that I wish to be simply because I lack what it takes to get there. The conviction. And faith in myself. I don't have it.

In fact I think I am the kind of person who is very comfortable in his mediocrity. I am more than happy to be jealous of the gifted, more than satisfied in being "sour-grapes" about the risk takers.

And that puts me in a strange situation. Now that I have realised I don't like challenges, and I don't have faith in myself, I am not sure what I want to do with my life anymore. It has lost its charm.

I am going thru things with a sense of detachment, especially work, with a single minded purpose to keep myself occupied and ofcourse make some money in the process.

Thats what hit me last night in the rain. And thats why I was worried.

I woke up rather late. My parents left early in the morning to pondy. They were going off to get sloshed and catch up on all the gujjals that they missed out on all these years.

Yeah, right.

They went off to meet long time family friends. They are on their way back as i type.

Makes me wonder though. about long lasting marriages. Let me save it for another day.

As i was saying, I woke up late and searched online for something to engage me, something to wake me up, grab me by the shoulders and shake me up, something that would spur me into action.

Dear Fauzia, let me tell you something. The internet has little to offer in that direction. And I looked for you too. In some vain hope that I would find a reason to smile, to cheer, to hoot in joy.

Alas.

I then remembered it was Vgoo's budday. I called him up and wished him. We spoke for a while. His mum is visiting him so he has some company on his budday. He turns 26 today. He has clearly told his parents to leave the bride hunt to him. He isn't too hopeful though. He says he just bought himself a year or two to chill out.

I spoke the most. I told him about all the changes in my life - the new company and the story of its genesis, my current state of mind and the reason behind its sadness and so on. He listened patiently, inspite of it being his budday and all that.

"why the fuck didn't you call me before dude?", was all he said in the end.

I didn't have an answer to him. Honestly, I had forgotten all about him. He is my bestest friend in the whole wide world and I had forgotten to call him when i was going thru some tough shit. What is with that?!

I figured I had surrounded my entire life with only thoughts of work, and you know who. And in the process I had sacrificed my relationship with my BFF. Sigh. It is true, you know, that study that says you lose two of your closest friends when you get into a relationship.

Then I made noodles (yes, I am back to being noodle-face.) and had a lazy brunch, dragged myself reluctantly to the bath, got out and had lunch after a while and then headed out to for a meeting at office.

Vikram, from Hyd was interested in what we were doing and had come down all the way to meet us. We spoke at length about our new venture and he seemed very interested in working with us + investing in our program.

He had to leave by 5 to catch a train. We then went to adyar and discussed the possibilities. Somehow, the other two boys were a little threatened by his entry. I suppose his investment would mean lesser stake for everyone and even lesser control.

I left by about 7pm and came to meet buay. His mum had made idlis and i stuffed myself with 7 of those. (reminded me of how much you used to look forward to your sunday breakfast...Hot idlis with super sambar! do you still enjoy them as you used to, Fauzia?) We spoke for a bit while watching Mankatha special program on sun tv. I then dropped buay at the mambalam station. On the way I narrated the "Underwear" story. You remember how cutely he laughs? It felt nice to make him laugh so much as I told the story.

I drove back home.

Oh, I almost forgot. Sometime during the day I sent a budday card to Vgoo and while I was at it, I picked out some cards that I liked. What do you think?

Thats about it.

Hope you had a fun weekend.

I...

umm...

warm regards,
Suresh.

My Dear Raj

2011-09-17T22:49:00.002+05:30

Wuzzzzzzzaaaa!
How are you doing today?
Today is a saturday and I hope you are out having a good time.
I know you like your saturdays. I hope you are surrounded by beer, loud music, dancing, and most importantly people you like.

My saturday started out lazy. I woke up rather late and sat down after a bath and brunch (dosa again, Mum's got lot of maavu around at home to last a lifetime) to get some work done.

I made a call to Kotagiri and figured out some details for the trip. I told them that I would be bringing someone along to take video. I think they are okay with it although I am not sure how the kids would react to a video camera AND a new guy teaching them something strange.

I also found out that the storytelling classes aren't going too well. The kids aren't interested in listening to their teacher read out from Jungle Book. They want something more engrossing. something with pictures I suppose. They prefer reading by themselves. I know that if i told them the story of Jungle book they would love it. But how do i get the teachers to do a good job themselves? Therein lies the challenge.

And then I had an interesting conversation with Janani about relationships. She reads this blog regularly (prolly the only other person to do so) and she observed that something was going on. I confessed it was just a strange obsession of mine that i was indulging in. The we spoke about how we are always trying to please the other person in a relationship until we hit a point where we ask, "whats in it for me?" And then i said its gonna go downhill after that. She pointed out that it gets very exhausting when we indulge in obsessive love, to which i said that most of the time we are hardly aware of it. And even if we are, we convince ourselves that we are pursing something great and continue without too much of introspection. I told her a little bit about my new job but then had to stop conversation because it was lunch time and I had to head out to buay's place.

(I think you should read her recent blogpost about a girl contemplating a dip in a lake. Its very well written.)

Lunch at buay's place was awesome as always. It was chicken kozhambu and roasted chicken. I belted... we were then watching Panchathanthiram on TV for a while and then we headed out.

There was more food in the offing. We stopped at Bajji kadai and had freshly made, super hot, dripping in oil capsicum bajji and vazhakaa bajji.
And then we went to Rado. And I had butterfruit juice while he went for fruit salad with ice cream. Yeah, I know man. We always end up stuffing our faces when we hang out INSPITE of our personal resolutions to lose weight. Haw Haw.

And out of the blue we decided to goto Trade Center to check out the Times automobile fair. In my awesome-O. Thats what he calls my kinetic. we weren't sure if the poor thing would survive the trip. We fueled up and headed towards kathipara. And just before turning towards Nandambakkam, buay had a strange impulse and turned left into the road leading towards St.Thomas Mount.

He said he had been wanting to go there for a long time and BC and him had planned to do it the next time they were in chennai. We stopped next to a nice white house and asked a mallu uncle for directions. He was a handsome man, early forties. With his bulging muscles, in his lungi and banian, i thought he would have given the mallu villains a run for their money. He spoke politely though, without an accent!

A left turn about a hundred metres from his place took us to the road with an upward incline. Raj, you wont believe it! It felt like we had been teleported to a far away small town on the foothills of a mountain range. There were cows lazing around on the badly laid roads, kids running about, countless shrines, and churches and prayer halls and a quick drop in temperature. We then entered the archway and bought a entry token and the steep climb began.
It was just a half a km ride, and as we turned a bend on the road, madras lay bare in front of us. It was like looking at your favorite heroine without make-up, the way she would be at home before going to sleep? It was a whole new perspective of a long worshiped beauty.

"faaaaaaak", buay said. "this is awesome!".
I concurred. It was beautiful. We slowed down and took in the view. I spotted a couple standing near the bend in the road, engrossed in conversation, oblivious to the rest of the world, ignoring the fantastic view. They knew they were at a special place, and were completely at ease.

We then parked the bike and climbed up to the church slowly. An opening in the trees on the right gave way to another magnificent view, and just at that moment a flight came in for landing. It was amazing, Raj!

Then we walked a little up and turned left and I saw a cemetery, with four rows of neatly arranged tombstones, one next to another. They were exactly replicas of each other, the only difference being some had withered bouquets of flowers on them while the others didn't.

64, 82, 90, 29, 18, 46...The ages of the people laying in rest there was written on their tombstones.

Then we climbed the stairs and there was a wide open ground and the whole of madras was visible in front of us. We could see the airport on one side, the Equestrian academy on the other, and we even spotted the Hyatt far away. It was cloudy and there was a cool breeze.

I felt alone. I had only one thought in my mind. That if i ever could, i would bring you here. And sit with you and while you took in the view and watched planes take off and land with a childish fascination, chattering incessantly, i would stare at you with contentment and savour the moment and store it away for those lonely days that await me later in life.

The shrine itself was nice, and functional. Not particularly pretty. I suppose they figured that with such a wonderful view, that would touch people's hearts there was really no need to try hard.

Strangely we observed that there was a Kodimaram, and a thaer (a temple chariot) and bells and other things that are certainly Hindu in their origins.I haven't visited too many churches but i am sure this is an anomaly and not a norm.

We spent a little longer there, thanking ourselves for the detour that we took.

And as we climbed down, all I could think of was... you.

We then went to the trade center and checked out the cars over there. Raj, you would have liked it. I am sure you and buay would have had an engaging conversation about cars and i would have stood back and watched you both talk about your favourite topic. We saw a white Audi A8 and a red Audi R6.

There was also a chocolate fair next door but i wasn't really in the mood, plus my tummy was full.

We drove back thru Ramapuram and MGR Nagar and KK Nagar and Ashok Pillar and reached Mambalam. I dropped buay off and came home.

It was a good trip. We had lots of laughs and tripped on everyone on the road....

Its nice to know that your days are packed and so are your evenings. Its good to keep yourself occupied. I know you are good at it. I am happy you are able to talk about your life with people you trust and have an open conversation. And that you are taking a serious effort to move on in life without letting things pull you down.

I am very proud of your work too. Its amazing how much you manage to do with so many constraints and under a lot of pressure. I have always admired your work ethic.

Hope you are okay and hope you are taking care of yourself.

There were lots of things i wanted to write to you about, but as it always happens i get caught in a train of thought and before i depart i forget the things i wanted to write about.

Goodnight, have a great weekend.

Suresh.

My Dear Arjun

2011-09-17T00:53:00.001+05:30

hi

i hope you had a good day.
Let me assure you that i am thoroughly drenched and somewhat drunk as i type this. so please pardon the typos, grammar and other mishaps in this somewhAt brief letter.

Let me work backwards.
I reached home drenched after dropping rahul at his place in Alwarpet, his place. I borrowd a cover from him to cover the bag. We left from Gandhi Nagar at around 11-30 when the rains had let down for a while. Did you enjoy the rains? I thought you might have... maybe you stepped out into your terrace or out in the open and let your arms and face get drenched.

We left from Estelle at around 11-15. We had a long conversation there between glasses of beer. We were five - Amrut, his wife, Rahul, aneesh and me. we spent most of the time talking about good old days and tripping on amrut. At some point i felt guilty for having so much fun. suddenly i realised what you would be going thru. I am sorry man. I know your loss is bigger than mine. By miles...

I hope you are doing okay.

before that we were in gandhi nagar discussing stake division and equity and profit and loss and balance sheet and other business stuff that you wont be too interested in.

before that I went to drop off my colleague in besi after having chat with her at Adyar ananda bhavan. She is a very nice girl, who turned 20 yesterday and i thought i should give her a treat. She hadn't had lunch so i thought i will get her something to eat. She preferred chat and hence we landed up at A2B.

Before that I was in the library. I spent a lot of time figuring out the Kotagiri plan. I am heading there between 9th and 12th October to conduct classes for 1-5 kids based on the modules we have prepared and I am also conducting a theatre workshop for the older kids.

while I was preparing the content for the classes I came across this book called Underwear by Mary Elise Monsell. Its about a Zebra and a Orangutuan which love undies and they challenge a grumpy buffallo to say "underwear" without laughing and the grumpy buffallo ends up laughing his ass off. there is a youtube video of a mum reading it out to her daughter. i hope you end up writing such awesome stories for kids someday. You should check it out. I really loved it. I would laugh my ass off if some grumpy old buffallo said "underwear" ten times in a row.

Before that I went to tiffanys for lunch with the librarian. she is a very sweet girl, you know. Although she is gonna be a mother soon, she is so full of innocence. We ended up talking about how we loved Mankatha and Ajith's performance in it. I had meals while she had curd rice.

Before that I spent quite a while preparing for the theatre class that i am going to conduct in Kotagiri. I wish you can come attend this class of mine dude. I know I am not like awesome or anything but I am sure you would be proud of me. Oh, i forgot to tell you. I spoke to my childhood friend Usman regarding some help i needed - I am looking for a videographer to accompany me to kotagiri so that we can video tape the whole workshop and then edit it and make a half hour video and send it to schools. Usman Sarjun said he would help me out. He is currently working with Mani Ratnam as an AD. yeah I know. totally jealous of him.

And before that i left from home and was on my way to insti. I was driving inside the campus when i braked to let two deer cross and i suddenly remember how much fun we had the other day... you were playing with them outside the gate... you were so scared and excited and you looked so adorable and innocent. that image is stuck in my head.

And before that I started my day on a very good note. The Bombay guys paid up! My bank account isn't actually empty now. I did a little jig and jumped around the house.

And before that i reluctantly woke up because my mum kept saying its past 8 and i had asked her to wake me up.

And before that I had a dream...

of you.

Hope you had a good day. I am sorry I didnt look at the paper today.
I hope I didn't miss your name.
I don't care what you say.
I am exploring the world, I am moving on to new projects.

I am not gonna let go.
not yet.

loads of warmth,
and affection,
and longing,

Suresh.

My Dear Kannamma

2011-09-16T00:17:00.001+05:30

My Dear Kannamma,

How are you doing today?
I am okay.
I had a long day of introspection.
I left home by about 10 after having nice dosas made by mum (with yummy aachi tomato garlic pickle) and headed to gandhi nagar office where i spoke to sahil for a while and flipped through the paper (hoping to catch your name). I picked up my laptop and a few books (Dr.Seuss's Hunches in Bunches, Diary of Amos Lee, Big Red Barn etc) and left to the library. There i spent quite a lot of time picking books that i wanted to read and research on. I hope you remember that we are starting out a new venture - we are going to make lesson modules for kids (class 2nd to 8th) and conduct teacher training workshops for schools who wish to give their children an hour of wholesome learning every week. So I picked out books that i thought would make enjoyable lessons.

There were at the end of this selection process about 50 books. I put them in a carton and kept them aside. Out of these I pulled out about 10 to carry home with me. There was Roald Dahl's Treasury, Ruskin Bond's collected works, Puffin History of India Vol 1, Satyajit Ray's childhood days, Coraline by Neil Gaiman, Sudha Murty's Magic Drum & other collected short stories, and other books. Kannamma, I wish I could read out some of these to you. I am sure you will love them.

I stepped out of the library and went to the canteen to have lunch. I ordered for a meals and an omlette and sat by myself. While I was eating i remembered a book that I saw in the library - John Updike's "S" - about a lady, Susan who lives away from her family and writes letters to her husband, children, mother, psychiatrist etc about her life and everyday events. I read the blurb and found it interesting. And I also saw another book - Daddy Long Legs, which is also in the form of a collection of letters written by an orphan girl to her benefactor who she has never met and the only image she has of him is that of his long legs which is imprinted on her mind and she decides to address him that way - Daddy Long legs. And through these letters we see the coming of age of a girl in early twentieth century America.

These two book stayed in my mind. And somehow I figured that I am in a similar situation. Kannamma, I too am away from my mother, my love, my friend, my sibling, my parent, my partner, my mentor, my source of inspiration, my wake up call, my happy song, my vodka shot, my nightcap, my lullaby...

Kannamma, I hope you realise what stuck me at that point? I decided I will write too. So what If i am away from you? I will not let you fade away from my memory. I will not lose touch with you. I will write to you. Everyday. As much as i can. Whatever that comes to mind. I will write to you everyday.

I then drove back home contemplating what to write today. And by now you know me well enough to figure out that I also wondered if you would read what i wrote and whether you would reply or if you would even read what i wrote...

I came home. I settled down to read. I must have dozed off at some point. I had a dream where I get acquainted with a little girl who frequents a potti kadai that I go to. I bump into her fairly regularly and while I get my cigarettes, she buys candies, and toffees and little knick knacks. The setting seems strange. I don't remember anybody else except the two of us at that shop. Initially I don't pay much attention to her, but slowly I am intrigued and I observe from a distance. She must have been about 10, in her pigtails and school uniform. She is a curious character herself, always trying out a new candy or digging around the shop for something new.

One day, I see her playing with a cigarette. I get a little anxious and go towards her to see what she is doing. And then i notice that it is lit and this little girl takes a puff from it. I try calling out to her but my I am unable to.

I woke up with a fit of cough, Kannamma.

After that I got some work done, sent out a few mails, had my cup of coffee while i sat and read Corridors. This graphic novel is set in Delhi and is about urban angst and alienation and the story is structured in a way which portrays the disjointed life we lead. Its filled with characters who are somehow unsatisfied with life and are always searching for something. There is a guy who is obsessed about collecting random things, a surgeon who smokes up and goes for an autopsy, a husband who goes to a tantric hoping to improve his potency, and so on. I think you will like this book, Kannamma. You will definitely get inspired by the free flowing art work. There are superb sketches of life in Delhi - crowded streets, people in a hurry, long corridors, pillars, books, faces, smoking men etc.

Will you write a graphic novel someday, Kannamma?

I went out to drop my mum at the Raghavendra temple. I then headed to Somas for a walk and a smoke. I stood at the corner with the swings and the slides and the ABC blocks and watched the guys play volleyball for a while. It was nostalgic. I am sure you agree, Kannamma.

I came back home and had a lengthy discussion with buay about life and what i am doing currently and what my plans for the next year are. I wanted to tell someone that I have planned my finances smartly and if all goes well (and I will do my best to make sure it does) I will have a decent amount in the bank and a lot more in the company.
It may not be much, but it would be a satisfying year. I hope.

I then sat down to have dinner and at the dinner table i explained to my parents about the new venture and how we are going about it and what would happen if things go well and what if they don't and so on. I also told them that I would be staying home, with them, for atleast a year. They are a little apprehensive about it but they were visibly relieved to hear the last part.

And here I am, typing this out.

I hope you had an okay day too, my dear Kannamma.
Please take care of yourself. Is your tummy alright?
I hope to see your name in the papers soon.
I will try to write everyday.
Take care.

Warm hugs and kisses,
Loads of Love,

Suresh.

PS: when you find the time, please read Pablo Neruda's "Tonight I can write the saddest lines".

2011-09-15T09:16:00.002+05:30

Why are you doing this?

i have to.

It hurts.

it is supposed to.

What are you gonna do now?

carry on with life.

Where will you go next?

nowhere. I am staying put.

Wont you wait a little longer for me?

No. I have waited long enough.

Promise not to do anything stupid?

So you are moving on?

Not yet. But thats the idea.

What about...next year?

nothing. its over.

Will you be okay without me?

No. I will not be okay without you.

neither will I.

a rant without a reason

2011-09-04T18:39:00.003+05:30

is like a tap that wouldn't close.

drip

drop

drip

drop

drip

drop

drip

drop

drip

drop

drip

drop

drip

drop

drip

drop

fac(e)ts of life

2011-08-20T02:08:00.003+05:30

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Anger

Denial

Bargaining

Depression

Anger

Denial

Anger

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Anger

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Bargaining

Anger

Denial

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance?

2011-08-17T08:32:00.003+05:30

This is what you wanted & this is what you are going to get.

This is what you plotted for, with arsenic, drop by drop.

You have done this a million times. In your head it felt like freedom.

Yet, why does sadness pour out of your ears, blood from your eyes?

The clay you held dear has finally yielded,

it has turned into a beautiful Koel, a Kokila

who flew in one summer and filled your heart.

It must now fly away far west.

Take heart, dear one. You shall always remain in her memories.

Always, and never.

But why fear?

:-)

O wind,
If winter comes, can spring be far behind?